Something happens from the time when we are kids to adults. We learn that if we want to be successful at a career, buy a house, save for retirement or achieve any major milestone in life we have to work for it. Yet, when I talk to people about finding “the one,” they want it to happen naturally. Organically. They will “know it when they see it.” ( I just threw up in my mouth a little….)
Let’s get something straight right now. I don’t want to burst any bubbles, but no one is entitled to happiness. Nor is anyone entitled to a wonderful relationship. Just because you were born does not mean you deserve anything. People have to work for it just like their careers or any of the other relationships in our lives like friendships or family. When you feel you are entitled to something you stop working for it and sit around and wait for it to happen for you. Last time I looked, college degrees, jobs and good friends aren’t delivered to your door step like pizza. Shit, that would be awesome, wouldn’t it?
So here is the good news! Everyone out there can have a healthy relationship. The hard news is that you have to work for it just like other areas of your life. You’ll have to deep dive into yourself and really know what you need. You will also have to take chances, step outside your comfort zone, explore, open up and trust. Want to stack the odds in your favor? Do the homework. Figure out who is a good match for you and what beliefs you might have that are holding you back from really beautiful love.
What kind of coach would I be if I didn’t talk about some of the common myths I see people buying into? These following myths are ideas that people hold onto so hard that it is hiding their truth. It is keeping them in that place saying…wtf?
Let’s get over any silly confusion, shall we?
DATING MYTH: “Men are intimidated by confident and intelligent women.”
This one is a toughie. On one hand, you are right. Some men are intimidated by confident and intelligent women. They probably are not the right guys for you. That is OK – we are only looking for one. No one is right for everyone. But when we look a little closer there is usually a little more to the story. What I find is a more common scenario is that when a man meets a confident and independent woman, it may look like you do not have room in your life for him. If you already has everything figured out, where does he fit?
You may be looking for a ambitious, successful person because that is what you have chosen to value yourself, but that doesn’t mean that is what he is looking for. It doesn’t mean he wants someone dumbed-down and unsuccessful, he just probably wants to know that you are kind, supportive and can give a hug and the end of a rough day too. Doesn’t everyone need that? My question to you is this. If you are complaining about this are you showing them all sides of you? Do they see the imperfect you along with the success? Do they see the needs as well as the independence?
No man I know is going to take the time to understand how he can squeeze himself into your life and honestly he shouldn’t have to. I know it is a fine line, but figure out how to be your fantastic confident self and able to express that there is room for the right person.
DATING MYTH: “The Third-Date Rule.”
Dating is not about rules or games. It is about smart decisions that allow you to slowly open up to someone so you can learn if they are a great match that you can create a successful relationship with. Jumping into a sex too quickly confuses chemistry with compatibility. Excited about the spark, it is easy to miss the red flags that alert you when someone isn’t a good match. All of a sudden you are in a relationship and realize you don’t really even like the person and at that point it is sticky to get out and feelings get hurt. AND they have already seen you naked…that can be half of the battle! But you and I both know that isn’t what makes a relationship work.
Here is one easy rule to follow: If you do not feel comfortable talking about if you are exclusive and if this is going in the same direction as you want, you probably should not be getting it on.
DATING MYTH: “Love Conquers All.”
You know what? I love love. I truly think it’s what makes the world go round. It is why I do what I do. But there is a lot of confusion out there about love and relationships. Our expectations are higher than they have ever been before. When we finally meet someone who we feel chemistry and a connection with, we think to ourselves, “Finally!” Then we jump right on in. Even as a life coach, I do not think that it is my place to judge whether or not love can actually conquer all.
What I do know is that too many times we get so excited that we miss the important stuff. The stuff that helps us know whether or not this is a true relationship where love can grow and maybe even conquer. Sometimes, we are not in the right place for a relationship because we haven’t taken care of the crud from our past that is blocking us from tearing down that wall and letting someone in. Other times, we do not know ourselves well enough to see who would be or would not be a good match. All of these things create imbalanced relationships that make it hard to find real love and for love to blossom. I do believe that real love is a strong and powerful emotion and when you have it on your side, it changes your life. But you have to make sure there is also respect, appreciation and communication. Otherwise, you are wasting your time.
Here is the honest truth. Love is going to happen, when it happens. There is no way to control it or force it. It does not matter how desperately you want it. What does matter is that you continue to take care of yourself and work on creating your life to be the type of person that you would want to date. So, stop comparing yourself to everyone you know. You may be still single, while all of your friends have significant others. However, they may be envious of you and dream of the days when they were free to experience the world – despite telling you otherwise. So get out there, take chances, step outside your comfort zone, explore, open up and create your own relationship success story and kick those myths to the curb.
Let’s get there together.