There were many years of my life that I rode the Victim Roller Coaster.
(No, that is not a new ride at Six Flags.)
I lived in a world of sick stomachs and exhausting conversations that I would repeat over and over to every friend who would listen. Every day a new life-threatening drama that might ruin my entire existence.
I couldn’t understand why things always happened to me: Why my relationships never worked out like I wanted them to, why my job was always overwhelming and why life seemed to always pick on me.
There was an easy answer to this…clearly, I was cursed. The universe hated me.
After moving to 3 different states in less than a year, I finally hit rock bottom.
I was in another job I hated. Underpaid and underappreciated.
Another relationship that I thought had real potential, went bad. Obviously, it was all his fault cause he just sucked.
I felt like all my friends were never really there for me when I needed them and had deserted me in my hour of need.
My parents were concerned but didn’t really know what to do.
What was wrong with all of the people in my life? They needed to get their shit together!
Enter the best, most patient therapist known to man (next to my amazing friend Mary Kay-I just didn’t know her yet). Her name was Erin and she calmly listened to my problems, gave me a big hug and then did something that I really needed. She kicked my ass and told me to get over myself.
And don’t think it was super easy to ask for help. I was Kira. Fierce and independent! I could figure this out on my own, right? Nope. Turns out I had to hit my head on the wall over and over until I was too tired to try anymore.
Erin helped me realize that everyone can benefit from getting an outside perspective once a week. Taking time to step outside their head and just make sure they aren’t crazy. Plus, I know now it is vital to be able to ask for help to have a healthy relationship. This was just great practice.
It wasn’t over night, but after months of a lot of tough-ass conversations with her, it finally dawned on me. Turns out my parents were actually doing the best they could with what they had been given. That I was CHOOSING guys who just didn’t have anything to give me. That no friend should have to be a sounding board for my incessant whining where I complained about the same stuff over and over. That I was picking jobs that were more about what I thought others would think was cool than what actually was a good match for me. That I wasn’t actually cursed and the universe didn’t hate me.
Thank God! Because curse removal seems like a tough gig.
The truth is most of the drama was because I made shitty decisions all of the time. Especially in relationships. (Kind of what we are doing here, right?)
Creating relationships where if they actually made it through the 76′ Kira Wall (which was NO small feat) I then would weirdly bend over backwards to be what I thought they wanted me to be so that they would for sure love me and keep me forever and ever. Like a My Little Pony.
But why would anyone want to keep someone who is one part snarky, one part freaked out all of the time waiting for them to realize I was a fraud who had no idea how to have a functioning relationship? Getting upset when they didn’t read my mind or know exactly what to do about some made expectation about our relationship that I never shared with them. I just wanted them to know me better than I knew myself and have me completely figured out like it was their full-time job. Was that too much to ask for???
Did I mention all of that just made me look fucking crazy? I can’t believe that great guys didn’t want to date that! Weird.
Here is the best part, I then would bitch/cry about how they could do that to me! Hadn’t I been great to them? Bent over backwards for them? Changed for them? Done everything I could to be a wonderful girlfriend?
I was pretty much missing the whole point.
They just wanted to date the funny, laid-back, confident girl I had led them to believe I was. One who knew who she was, what she needed and had taken care of her shit enough to not vomit it all over the relationship. One who would talk things out instead of freaking out for no apparent reason. One that could relax and just enjoy how fun a relationship could be. Because otherwise, what is the point?
With the help of Erin (and trust me, I was NOT an easy client) I finally had to decide to step back, put the pointer finger back in it’s holster and stop blaming. My parents, my job, my dates, my friends, all of it. I had to realize it just wasn’t helping anymore. It wasn’t the knee-jerk answer to all of the questions about why my life sucked, but instead, a distraction from moving myself forward. It was time for me to put down the blame and start taking responsibility for my choices and the consequences that came with them.
She also told me by the end that I was a natural therapist and should go for it. I choose life coach instead and created this kick-ass biz. She is clearly a genius.
So Buttercup, if you are reading this and know that something needs to change, the change is here. I am ready to listen, give you a hug and then kick your ass in the best way ever. You won’t even recognize yourself after you will be so freaking happy and ready for love.