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WHAT IS YOUR GOAL IN LOVE?

You know what I think is funny?

Well actually British comedies that make you feel slightly uncomfortable and Louis CK.  I love Louis CK.

But you want to know what else?

People who say that they want amazing love and a healthy relationship and then do nothing in their life that reflects that.

And I mean nothing.

What does that look like?  Oh I will tell you what that looks like.  You know I am bossy like that.

*Not having a fucking clue of what you need in a relationship to feel good and thrive so you keep thinking…“well this one seems to to fit” and you spend weeks/months with them only to be disappointed again.

*Not taking care of your shit and wounds from your childhood and past relationships, so you keep creating bullshit relationships and then playing the victim when they don’t work out.  Man, does that shit get old.

(I have a personal rule that I think should be shouted from the mountaintops.  You get until 30 years old to blame other people and then it is time to put on the big girl/boy pants and get therapy/coaching like the rest of us.)

PS.  Getting help or support to make changes is not weak!  Pretending you don’t need it and leaving a wake of broken crappy relationships is.

*Being so excited that you set up zero boundaries in the beginning to make sure that they like you and then when the real you leaks out (as it is going to) everyone is confused why you all of a sudden don’t want to do their laundry or actually like sports.

*Sleeping with someone because it “feels good” when you know jack shit about the person.  Thinking that because you have chemistry you have love.  (spoiler alert: when you have chemistry, you have chemistry.  Yay you!  That has very little to do with a relationship.)

*Better yet, thinking that just because you want to make out 24/7 with someone in the beginning that they will automatically be a great boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife or PARENT!  What does your libido have to do with the family you create together?  Seriously???

I mean, what the fuck is everyone doing?  Why does every usually brilliant person I know turn off their fucking brain when it comes to love and relationships?

I feel like everyone is trying to make chicken salad from chicken shit!

So today I ask you one simple question that can help start fixing this situation…..what is your goal?

If it is to have crazy, amazing chemistry and to be obsessively in love with each other.  Awesome!  I am not judging you.  That is great!

Just do me (and you) a favor.  Let’s just stop pretending that crazy amazing chemistry automatically turns into a relationship.  And let’s stop being disappointed when that doesn’t last forever.

IT CAN’T LAST FOREVER!

It would be exhausting if it did.

I mean would we even have electricity, cars or most inventions if we all lived in that obsessive love phase all of the time?  We would all be fucking!!!  All of the time.  That is it!  It would be like True Blood 24/7!!

So stop acting like that is love and that is what relationships are based on.  It is not.  But because of some fucked up Hollywood bullshit we think that is what love and relationships look like.

That love is feeling butterflies all of the time.

Or that it comes instantly and “you will know it when you see it” bullshit.

That they will just know, understand and “get you”.  Seriously?  How does that even make sense?

Life is fucking messy.  So are relationships.  They are made up of two very flawed human beings with scars and fears.  And that is completely ok.

So let me break this down for you.  I need you to sit down today and figure out your goal.

Is it crazy love?  Super fucking duper!  Just know you are going to be looking for someone new to get that “fix” about every year to year and a half.  No big deal, that is just how obsessive love works.

Is it a committed relationship?  Well, hot dog!  Good for you Sugarpants!  That is a great but lofty goal nowadays.

So…..a couple of things.

a) You need to take care of your shit so you are not just reacting to the person day after day.  

Taking everything personally and just hoping that your relationship works.  Freaking the fuck out over everything.  Nitpicking your partner because of values that your parents had but they don’t.  Playing some weird ass power plays.  Waiting for your partner to read your mind.  That shit is exhausting and not really a relationship.

The couples I know who are making this work,and I am lucky to know a few, don’t doubt that it will work out because they are 100% fucking in this!  They are a team.  Partners in crime.  All in.  And working  together to fix whatever problems come up.  That is what commitment actually means.

I think my friend Kate Swoboda said it best in a recent interview for The League.  She said that from the beginning of their relationship she and her husband had the same two shared values.  1) That nobody has one foot out the door and 2) that when things get tough they go to couples therapy right away.  With those shared values, they were able to work through lots of tough things.  See where that might come in handy?

b)  Know what you NEED to thrive in that relationship.

How do you communicate?

How do you fight?

What is the best way to solve problems for you?

What kind of daily support do you need?

How do you feel about finances?  Sex? Having fun together?

What are your day to day values so you are both working together towards common goals?

If you don’t know these answers how the fuck do you plan on having this amazing relationship?  Are they just supposed to know stuff that you don’t even know?  In what world does that even make sense?

I don’t believe people fall out of love or stop loving each other.  Their relationship changed and they didn’t do the work up front to change with it.  And getting to know the core of each other.

c)  Do you have realistic expectations so that your partner can just be his/herself?

Not the weird media-driven bullshit stories you have made up in your head.  Where you fall into this beautiful and romantic relationship without having any tough conversations up front.

Do you know why my grandparents had a super wonderful relationship?  They didn’t expect that much.  They each had a well defined role, they walked into it just wanting a nice boy/girl from down the road and then enjoyed each other’s company.  That is pretty much it.

We are complicating the fuck out of everything. 

So what is your goal?

Crazy attraction?  A beautiful relationship?  Figure it out!

In the meantime….are you living a life that is going to get you there?

K