Fuck if I haven’t been known to buy a ticket to the crazy train once or twice.
And as I am almost five months into something new and really awesome (Yes, thank you. Thank you very much.) I can not even fucking believe how much the crazy has shown up.
Shit I thought I had taken care of YEARS AGO has reared it’s ugly head, laughed in my face, and reminded me both how human I am and how out of my comfort zone creating relationships can really be.
Let’s just say it has all been very, very humbling.
And as I sit back a little chafed from my own experiences lately, I realize that one of the biggest fears about getting ourselves out there, meeting people, dating and creating relationships is that we will, well….. let the crazy hang out.
And nothing has the opportunity to bring out that crazy quite like love.Right, Sugarpants?
When we even sniff the possibility of smitten, that usually logical brain that helps us make smart decisions every fucking day turns on us. Like my 7th grade best friend did in Home Ec when we were making biscuits…..but I digress.
As we start to get deeper into the dating and it stops being just butterflies and THIS PERSON IS AWESOME ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME!!!! The logic goes out the window and the thoughts and feelings start to take over.
All of the feels. All of the time.
For me, those dagnab feelings start swimming around in my head and make me question everything I know as true. Things I actually witnessed. Moments I was a part of. Truths, real conversations, all of it.
It truly feels a little crazy.
Because here is a truth we forget about or maybe you have never really thought about before. I want you to sit down for this one. It is a biggie….
Our thoughts and feelings can be big fat liars.
As we go throughout our day we have thousands of thoughts and feelings running through our head. Observations, judgements, choices, all of it. We have our own movies on play in our head as we act out the starring role in this thing called life.
However, here is the rub, all of these thoughts and feelings are not truths. They are only perceptions.
And most of them are coming from places of fear or past experiences and actually have no real sense or truth in them.
And HERE is the roughest part…it is our fucking job to figure out the difference. Especially if you want to be awesome in your relationship.
We get so caught up in the thoughts and feelings or the story line that we abandon the truths. And the truths are where love exists. Where relationships move forward. Where all the squishy good shit that makes you feel like the world is a beautiful place full of unicorns, glitter and cake lives. Man, I love cake.
When we abandon our truths and give into the fleeting feelings of the moment, that is where fear takes over. Getting us to a big fat fucking nowhere.
Need an example? Ok, no problem….I had a “moment” recently.
Truly. It’s a gift. You’re welcome.
The awesome man I am dating and I have completely different schedules. And of all the things you think about when you are creating a relationship and talking about love, the super unsexy things show up.
For us it is schedules.
He is literally sleeping when I am awake and vice versa.
So in the pocket of hours that we get to see each other it is pretty much a guarantee that one of us is going to be tired. Sometimes even exhausted.
So recently, as we are hanging out I was just really, really tired. I just couldn’t wake up. My wagon was draggin’. And if truth be told, I am not very adorable when I am tired. In fact I can be quiet and just plain salty.
But I adore this man, and I really wanted to see him, so I just thought I would power the fuck through. Right?
Well, let me throw in that I am also going through some emotional family stuff and am PMS-y. Which good for you if you don’t get PMS-y, but I do and it really can help cloud the truths.
So, through all of this, it was almost inevitable that a ‘moment’ might happen with D. And it did.
He didn’t do something the way I wanted him to and I just stepped inside my head and started letting the the thoughts and feelings take over.
I mean, not just thoughts and feelings….crazy shit that has no place in my head and certainly not in this relationship.
Does he not want the same things as me?
Is he not as attracted to me as I think he is?
I can’t bring this up to him because he won’t listen, right?
and then I went to the dark place….can I even do this? Actually be in a relationship? Is this going to even work out?
Spoiler alert: Abso-fucking-lutely. I am crazy about this guy. This is so damn real I am mildly freaked out a good percentage of the time. There is so much goodness here I am still pinching myself on a daily basis because he keeps showing up and slowly creating something really fucking beautiful with me.
But that doesn’t stop the feelings and thoughts from coming. Weird, crazy thoughts. Untrue thoughts.
Thoughts that just lay there in my head. Like my cat Leroy, on the heat vent, in winter.
That is where it is my job to know the difference between the truths and the perceptions.
And what people forget to tell you when they talk about love, soulmates and all the romantic stuff that takes up space in our head and becomes stories and expectations of our future relationship, is that it is our job too.
It is our job to control our thoughts that make us feel crazy and know the difference.
It is our job to know our truths so we can respond to a situation, not react.
It is our job to have enough self awareness to know what we need and the confidence to express it to that person.
We need to communicate like mother fuckers to stop hurting each other and start helping each other.
And if you can’t do that, all of this love stuff is going to be a huge fucking struggle.
Because as we expect more and more out of our relationships in 2015, we have to have some radical fucking knowledge about ourselves to be great in them. Otherwise, we keep walking around with our feelings hurt or just plain uncomfortable and we don’t even know why.
Where healthy relationships lie is where your future partner-in-crime just gets to show up every day, know their own truths and work with you to create something awesome.
That is all.
That is why I have been working on something new for a long time in my coaching business. It is called The Owner’s Manual. It is the core of my research, coaching and beliefs.
The Owner’s Manual is extreme self awareness to understand how you work. How you love, communicate, trust, think, process, etc. So that you can know how you thrive in a relationship.
But most importantly, so you have the knowledge to open up that Manual and show it to the right person so they understand how you work. And feel good. And you both can create love. And awesomeness.