Now, if I can just open a camp where singles from around the world can all come regularly. And we can canoe, play capture the flag and have wine in a water cooler so it is on tap, my business life will be complete!
But I digress.
So, after I launched it at noon last Sunday, it all went pretty darn smoothly. I added new members. Sorted out some registration issues. Welcomed people with the most ridiculous video I have ever created.
And after things settled down for a bit, I got in my car and drove an hour and a half to see my Dad in the hospital. Where he has been since January 11th, when an infection nearly took his life.
I am actually sitting and typing this from his hospital room while he sleeps.
It was a rough morning of emotional outbursts of anger and swearing mixed with uncontrollable sobbing as he tries to comprehend what exactly has happened for about the 200th time. Sometimes he gets it, sometimes he is doesn’t.
Physically, his body has changed. He still has a healing time of at least 6 months. But the 5 months in the hospital has made him weak. So he can’t walk anymore or barely stand. Until he can stand and walk he can’t come home and see “his kitties” that he talks about every day.
We have no idea at this point if he will ever mentally be the father we once knew. A beyond brilliant, but fragile man who loved The Goonies and Adventures in Babysitting, knew everything about cars and would call me about five times a day to just ask what I was doing.
I would kill for one of those calls now.
I am exhausted. Emotionally and physically. And I have nothing on my Mom who is with him at least five days a week or my sister who works all week and then visits on the weekend.
We have all had breakdowns and tantrums over the last couple of months and we just accept it.
On my good days, I just try to be happy he is still alive and and appreciate the time with him. Even if it doesn’t feel like him. On my rough days, I am tired, sad, sick of hospitals and that fucking smell, pissed off at things and downright not the version of myself that feels like I can take on the world.
I miss her.
I have filtered out friends, because you figure out who you really want to talk to when something like this happens. Cancelled more than a few appointments with friends, clients and peers. Taken a hard look at my life and then just ignored it because I don’t have the energy to actually deal with anything.
I have no idea what is going to happen to my Dad. I have no idea if he will ever come home. I have no idea if he will ever be back to a version of himself. There are glimpses, but who knows.
I am not writing this as a sob story to have people feel sorry for me.
Many people deal with similar things with parents or loved ones. Hell, I even hear stories regularly of friends or acquaintances who are personally dealing with cancer or diseases. My life is easy compared to them.
But as I walk through my day, online and off, I realize that right now I am not the funny, reasonably charming, fierce as fuck force to be reckoned with who is hellbent on changing the world with love, swearing and scavenger hunts:)
I have moments where I am grumpy, introverted and hurting.
I have moments where I am am socializing with friends and feel guilty for taking that time for myself.
I have moments where I am pissed off that my Dad isn’t trying harder at physical therapy and is not his old self.
And in those moments I am not always pleasant Suzy Sunshine that I used to be and feel like I am failing at life. I occasionally snap at people. I have flipped off more than a few drivers. I have yelled at my family. Freaked out on a guy and made some questionable decisions.
And those people who judge me and may think I am a bitch. Unfriendly. Grumpy. Disconnected. They don’t know me. They don’t know my story. They have no idea of the life I am living right now.
And rarely do they ask.
Because in so many ways, we have stopped talking to each other. We think we know people through their facebook posts, pictures and checkins. We judge people by the way they look, the car they drive, the job they have, the clothes they wear, where they shop, how much they weigh, who they date, what kind of pet they have. The list goes on and on.
And you know what? We don’t know fucking shit about anything. Absolutely fucking nothing.
Most days you have NO idea of the battles that each person faces.
The struggles that they have.
The sadness, frustrations and worry that occupy their mind.
The pain they may be working through.
And we just sit back and judge them because that is so much easier. It keeps us safe in our comfort zone. Allows us to look at life in black and white.
She is this. He is that.
This person seems to have enough of these qualities to get to hang out with me and that person does not.
It is fucked.
Every person has a story. Every person is a complicated mix of emotions, reactions, projections and life experiences that make them so much more than we can see or even learn right away.
So how do we change this shittiness?
1. Stop thinking you can tell if someone is great for you in the first 5 minutes. The only thing you can tell in 5 minutes is that you are attracted to someone. Woohoo! Good for you! Your trophy is in the fucking mail!
For the rest of us who are wanting relationships that last longer than the span of a fruit fly, be open to attractions that come slowly. Are you looking for a relationship or a fuck? You tell me.
If it is a relationship, are you living a life that is going to get you the relationship you want? Think on that.
2. Walk around with this sentence in your head at all times. I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THAT PERSON IS DEALING WITH, SO I AM JUST GOING TO BE KIND. I didn’t say you have to kiss their ass, be their best friend or date them. Just be respectful. Here is a big fucking reminder. “Those who are the hardest to love need it the most.”
3. Buy into the unknown. There is no fucking crystal ball. You have no idea on a daily basis who is going to change your life. You are hoping it is the cute guy’s profile online that you have been flirting with, but it might be the funny but sloppy co-worker that you never really considered before. Or your barista. Or the person that fixes your car. You have no idea the impact that different people will play on your life until you actually let them.
This starts with talking to everyone. Smiling. Asking questions. Collecting stories. Just like we do in the League.
What part of your life do people not see? What are you holding back?