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CAN WE JUST GIVE EACH OTHER A BREAK ALREADY?

Blargh!

I am not sure if that is a real word or not, but it is how I feel.

It is how I feel every time I hear, see or read another “dating horror story.”

“GASP! He did this! She did that! Can you believe it?”  

Look at how superior we are laughing at some poor, lonely person just putting themselves out there to find love. Aching for a little companionship.  Hoping to trust someone. Wanting to believe in the good of people. Trying to find someone who likes and loves them for who they are. Even if it is flawed, imperfect, odd, or quirky .

We have all had different experiences. Different life lessons and teachers. Not everyone grew up with amazing parents who knew what they were doing and showed us how to create a beautiful relationship. Or even how to just act on a date.  If you did, YAY FOR YOU!  Go buy your parents a huge gift because they saved you lots on therapy.  Seriously, call them right now, thank them and tell them you love them.  For God’s sake they brought you into this world!!!!

After you do that, let’s all remember one thing.

Nobody actually knows what they are doing when it comes to love and we are all just doing the best that we can.

Listen hard there.

We are doing the best that we can.

People are all crazy, stupid scared of rejection and being vulnerable.  They suit up every time they go out (in public, let alone a date) just to not get hurt again and again.  They get super nervous and say awkward things.  They say too much or too little.  They come off as braggy because they overcompensate so they don’t sound like losers.  Lots of times they are just not that great at portraying who they really are in that first date because they too are scared of getting hurt or rejected.  None of that has ANYTHING to do with knowing if they are capable of creating a great relationship with you.

Great at listening to a place where you feel heard.  Being able to support you through ALL times.   Appreciating you even when you are less then stellar.  Solving problems with you so you don’t have the same issues over and over like so many couples do.  Giving and receiving love so openly that all it takes is a smile to make you know you are loved.  That, my friends, is the kick-ass awesomeness we are looking for and can not be detected in a first date.

So, for those of you who feel the need to pour the wine and bitch to your friends every time you think you have met another loser/douchebag/nice guy you are just not attracted to, here is a thought.  If you don’t think that someone who has taken an hour out of their life to meet you and see if there might be some connection is “worth your time” because they are not what you expected or have enough checks for your ridiculous checklist, then you are doing this wrong.  Please explain to me why your time so much more important than theirs.  Your love more important.  Your ideas so much more creative.  Your stories so much better.  Why do you think your life is so much better than theirs that you need to make fun of them just because they are not your thing.

Plus, I am so glad that you can tell if someone is your “soulmate” in 30 minutes or less.  When you are done being Miracle Max could you cure cancer and invent flying cars already?  I am sick of driving.

Your reminder for the day: Everyone has something to teach you and even if you have dug in a little and are seeing some differences that aren’t going to work, everyone has a story you can learn from.  The moment you embrace that, this dating thing is going to get a whole lot better.  You might even be amazed what you find out.

Last thought, would you want to date someone who you found out had made fun of their last five dates?  Is that a quality you are looking for?

Are you being the person you want to date?

 

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WHY YOU ARE NOT DATING GREAT GUYS

It took me a long time…..

but there was finally a time after the therapy/coaching and hitting my head against the wall so many times I thought I had a permanent concussion from dating unavailable men, that something shifted in me.

One day, I woke up and didn’t want that shit anymore and I had to have a tough moment where I needed to fess up to myself that it was ME choosing them.  Again and again.

I was the one buying the ticket to the crazy train and that shit was on me.

After some pretty solid self work, I dated a great guy.  Before we start the applause and cheers, let me admit something to you…..it wasn’t fucking easy.

Things would be going well and then I would freak out.  For the weirdest reasons that weren’t even real reasons.

I would come up with excuses of why it would never work.

Talk myself out of it.

Push him away.

Quietly sabotage it because after years and years of shouting “where are all the good ones??” I actually had no idea what to do with one when he showed up.

It felt weird and super duper uncomfortable.  “This person likes me??  Don’t they know how ridiculous I am?  What happens when they see all of the crazy hanging out???  This could get really messy.”

I was talking myself out of it before any of the really good stuff could even happen.

At that point, I had to have the hard conversation with myself about why it felt wrong when someone kept giving me everything right?  

When he kept caring about me and then asked me to trust him.  You can read about that here.

Doing all of the things that I had actually been talking about for all of those years.

What the fuck was wrong with me???

So here is what I figured out during that time and I want to share some of my growing pains with you.  You’re welcome.

If we do not like ourselves very much, question our worth and if we are truly capable of having a healthy relationship, when someone starts to like you it just doesn’t make sense.

It doesn’t compute in our subconscious brain.

We learned when we were young that love looks a certain way (probably not a healthy one) and it just doesn’t match up in your head.

So instead of feeling good when someone kind likes us and treats us well, we have learned to know and accept half-ass, unavailable or partial love because that is what we know.  That is what feels comfortable to us.

That is what has become your kind of love and by the way, that is shit.

These are the moments, Sugarpants, where you have to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Having a hard time knowing if you do this?  Here are some tell-tale signs.

You will say that someone who likes you is “too nice.”

Even though they are doing what you know is appropriate, you will feel like it is clingy or too much.  “Why is he all up in my grill?  Why is he asking me so many questions? Why does he want to know so much about me?  Does he have an ulterior motive?”

Even though you initially thought they were cute, you now don’t find them attractive because what they are doing feels weird to you.  “Hmmm, are they really that cute?  I should ask my friends.”

They are too supportive!  (I am just shaking my head on that one, ladies.)

You may even think that they seem weak because they are making themselves vulnerable and available to you.  “Doesn’t he have anything better to do than ask me about my day?”

But this is some fucked up kind of bullshit we have bought into.

That a kind, healthy person who can give and receive love is too needy.  Yes, let’s throw away the guys that show up regularly, ask us questions and listen to the answers and have the ability to create something great with us.  Let’s do that.

Instead, we spend our days chasing the  unavailable guys because we are going to love him until he loves himself! Even if it takes fucking years!!!  We are in this to win this no matter how shitty it makes us feel!   Then we will have earned their love and they will never, ever go away!

Good luck with that.  Tell me how that shit goes for you.

The lesson:  if good people liking you makes you feel uncomfortable and you sabotage it, you need to step up and take care of that shit because that isn’t magically going to go away.  You are just going to keep dating people who are comfortable and most likely unhealthy.

What did I do?  I did something I never did before.  I told him my fears.

I shared what I was worried about.

I let him in on what I was freaking out about and why and more importantly what he should do when that happened to help me work through it.

I gave him the owner’s manual to my heart.  

So he could succeed and we could create something together.

I stopped struggling with myself and gave into the love.  I went all in.

Because love has to go both ways and for all those years I had learned how to give but forgot to learn how to receive.

It changed my life.

Ready to change your life?  Get in the Owner’s Manual!

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LOSING CONTROL IN THE NAME OF LOVE

I tend to write these posts mostly about my past debacles in dating and relationships.  Stories that I have reflected on, owned up to and want to share so you can hopefully check yourself before you make the same mistakes that I have made. You’re welcome, Sugarpants.

However, today is different.  I am standing outside myself, watching, learning and a little surprised.  Surprised how many things are coming from a really good, healthy place in the new possibility.

I am also aware how I like to mildly sabotage myself when I am not paying attention.

So there is that….

As I am processing all that is happening to me, I wanted to get it out of my head and share it with you.  Share what I am feeling.  What I am scared of.  Talk this shit out.

This weekend I was out for breakfast with my good friend, Life Coach/Therapist Mary Kay.  Everyone should have a Mary Kay.  She listens hard, calls me out on my shit and I always walk away feeling clearer and better.

I like to think I am my clients’ Mary Kay.

So we are having this tough conversation about a new possibility that I have been checking out and I am making sure that it is all making sense.  Sounding healthy.  That I am actually doing the shit that I preach.

And as we were digging into the deep, I all of a sudden started to question myself and then without noticing, “the crazy” went wild.  I started thinking of all of the ways that this could end badly.

What if I freak out and push him away?

What if I am disappointing in bed?

What if I get scared and bolt like I have before?

What if he just ends up not liking me once he sees how real I am.

What if I just fucking blow this?

Mary Kay listened quietly, as she always does and looked at me kindly. She then looked me in the eye and said, “Kira, you really like this guy.  You have forgotten how scary it is being that vulnerable.  But you can’t keep looking for reasons that this is going to fail.  You know that and I know that.  You are coming up with reasons so you can take back control.”

Wait!  WHAT?????

She explained to me that she saw this working with juvenile delinquents.  That being so uncomfortable in the space of not knowing how the courts were going to rule (probation, leave their home, an institution, jail, etc) they would act out and commit another crime just so they knew what to expect.

Shit just got real.

Although this isn’t mind-blowing, I have never thought about it like this.  But as I started to move through my head I knew that when things get scary and I am unsure of the outcome, I check out.  I never really realized it was because I wanted the ball back in my court.  I wanted to take control of the situation that felt out of control.

That I would rather end it than be in the unknown.  I am not so good with the unknown.

But that is total crap because as one of my favorite authors says, “To Love is to Lose Control.”

Because love and relationships are going to feel uncomfortable.  They are not always going to feel good.  There are going to be bumps, miscommunications and not awesome moments.  Your past will show up to haunt you and your fears will get the better of you some days.  There are not always going to be rainbows and unicorns.  You are going to have to be vulnerable and give up control for it to work.

However, great love and creating a beautiful relationship is worth it.

So close your eyes and get ready to jump into the awesome.

Let’s get uncomfortable together, shall we?

PODCAST: I AM NOT HAPPY, BUT I LOVE HIM

Sometimes we blame lots of the bad stuff on love.

True story.

We allow shitty behavior to happen and call it love although it has NOTHING to do with it.

Listen up as I talk today about why that isn’t love and what you can do about it.

[powerpress]

Your Adventure for Today:

WHEN YOU ARE IN THAT “SICK TO YOUR STOMACH” UNHAPPY FEELING (IN ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP), I WANT YOU TO ASK YOURSELF IF YOU ARE STICKING AROUND BECAUSE OF LOVE OR FEAR AND WHAT YOU CAN DO TO START CHANGING THAT.

Don’t forget about putting that $250 to the best thing possible…THE RETREAT IN COSTA RICA!    It is going to be nothing less than amazing.

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

Today’s transcript are right here.

 

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MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS. GET OVER IT.

I am going to keep this short and sweet today.  Ok, maybe not that sweet.

If you want a psychic, go hire one.

If you want an awesome relationship, you effin’ create one.

You create a relationship by letting people in on what is going on in our heads.  By letting them in on the weird and wacky world that exists in there.  You know it is.

I have seen this trend lately where we believe someone “gets” us or loves us more if they can figure out what we are thinking at all times.  That proves that they love us.

WTF????

Who told you that shit?  If you know who did, take away their wine for a week and send them to bed without their supper!

People do not show their love by randomly guessing correctly what is going on in that very, very complicated place we call our brain, they show love by asking questions, listening, supporting and learning.  

I don’t know about you but I can be thinking about Kevin Bacon one second and the kitten video I watched that morning the next.  I mean literally the next second.  It all connected in my head, but why would I expect anyone else to keep up?

When we make them guess or put these wackadoo expectations on them, it is not them who sucks by not knowing what is going through your head (I mean be honest, you can barely keep up yourself some days.) It is you for making them guess.  Playing games.  Punishing them when they don’t know.  Making them feel like a lesser person in the relationship because that can’t read your mind. That is just setting them up for failure and why would you want the most important person in your life to fail? How is that creating an incredible relationship?

Amazing and healthy relationships happen when both people get to win on a regular basis.

When both people get to feel great.  Every move you make, every breath you take should be working towards asking questions, really listening to answers and understanding each other.  See what I did there?  I love Sting…….

So that is why when someone asks you “what’s wrong?”   Tell them.

If you are interested, let them know.  Sometimes they may need you to NOT be subtle:)

If you are having a bad day, explain it to them.  Then they can know it is not about them.

If you have expectations about something, share them.  That is how they can actually reach them or help figure out what can work for both of you.

At the end of the day, you just want to let them in.  No matter how scary it is.  You may be shocked at how amazing they can be….once you let them.

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WANT LOVE? GIVE YOURSELF A FUCKING BREAK!

{I am a swearbear.  Get over it.}

Hey There Dandelion:)  Come over here for a nice big hug, because today is going to sting a little.  But it is all for the good of the cause….love.

It is inevitable.

There is always going to be a point when I am working with my clients that they get down right frustrated.  Pissed off. Angry at me, themselves and the Love Gods.

“But Kira, I am doing everything right!!!  I am trying so hard!  Why isn’t this working?  Why haven’t I found love?  Why am I still single?  What is wrong with meeeeeeeeeee??????”

Want to know what is wrong with you?  That.  That right there is what is wrong with you.

Here is my super simple, life-changing genius for you.

CHILL THE FUCK OUT!

Want to find love?  Stop spending your days stressed out and over-thinking it.  Stop questioning everything about yourself.  Nitpicking.  Overanalyzing.  Freaking the fuck out.

There is nothing that is going to make you feel worse, and make piss-poor dating choices, than this behavior.

Ever hear the saying, “Love will show up when you stop looking for it?”  Here is what that ACTUALLY means.

When you stop giving such a fuck, start having fun, living the life you want, being a little selfish, doing the shit you love to do….you become irre-fucking-sistible to the rest of the world.

That inner-happiness and confidence is hot!  People want to make out with that shit.  That is where love starts!

The amazing people you want to date want to be around confident people who like themselves and who they don’t have to fix.  Not unhappy, secretly hates who they are and questions their whole existence people. Nobody really wants that shit.  That shit is exhausting.

Nobody healthy wants to take on your neuroses and honestly, nobody should have to.

Here is where to start.

Get the fuck over yourself.  

Let’s get one thing straight.  You are important.  You DO have the power to change the world.  It is just not going to happen with you being weirdly obsessed with stupid stuff that doesn’t matter and then berating yourself for it.  Stuck in your head, over thinking?  Go volunteer somewhere where people are struggling to eat or live.  See how much your shit matters then.  Get some fucking perspective.

Fix your shit.  

If you are holding on to something from your past that is in the way of you creating a great relationship, fix it.  Reach out for help.  That is why there are kick-ass therapists and life coaches.  You don’t have to do anything alone.

If you are embarrassed about asking for help, then check yourself.  You are going to need to ask for help over and over in your relationship.  That is part of the gig.  Anyone healthy I know would rather date someone who knows how to ask for help and fix their shit, than someone who sits there wallowing in their unhappiness.

Yeah, that screams date me, I am awesome in relationships.

Remove “should” from your vocabulary.  

Besides remaining reasonably clean and respectful to others, there are not a lot of things you really “should” or “have to” do.  Stop beating yourself up over your checklists, scale, job, etc.  We are a work in progress.  Where you are right now is what you were hoping to be at one point.  Embrace that shit.

Super Bonus:  You will also find that when you start living like this, you have more time, energy and awesomeness to give back to others and you will change the world.  Oh, and get kick-ass dates.

That was the whole point, right?

PODCAST: HOW TO NOT BE TOO NICE AND END UP IN THE FRIEND ZONE

Is it really possible to be too nice?  

This one is for the guys (and good for the ladies too.)  I am bringing the smackdown on the what is actually “too nice”, what it is really about and ways to avoid it.

[powerpress]

Guys!  Do you Need help? Umm….I am a life coach, remember? Let’s set-up that free discovery session already!

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

Transcripts of the show’s topic is here.

 

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STOP MAKING STORIES UP IN YOUR HEAD ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

Seriously, stop doing it. It is so beneath you.

What do I mean? Here is what I mean.

I regularly get to talk to really smart and amazing singles. However, sometimes we start to talk about a past situation they are stuck on or a mediocre situation that is still hanging around in the air like a bad cheese smell and the smart and amazing gets thrown out the window. They all of a sudden get that whiney sound in their voice and say something usually like “I know they are {fill in totally crappy quality}…but I just still like them. I don’t know why!”

At that moment, my inner life coach starts to silently cry in the fetal position in frustration.

So, after too many conversations like this, I wanted to enlighten all of you so hopefully we can stop this ridiculousness right now!

You are not getting over your shit situation because you are making up fairytale stories about the other person or your relationship in your head that aren’t true.

Let that process for a minute, shall we?

Whether you are hanging on to the first couple of months that were bliss and then they just weren’t. Or a couple of really solid conversations that made you feel very connected to them.  Maybe it was some crazy romantic moment where you kissed just like in a movie and you thought to yourself, “This is FINALLY happening just like I thought it would!  I knew it!”  But as you hang on to those brief moments you probably stopped noticing the person who is actually showing up every day.  The person you are really dating.

Hands down the coolest thing about about being a life coach, besides my kick ass clients, is that I get to be friends with other really smart life coaches.  A few weeks ago, I got to catch up and just generally have really smart conversation with my friend Rob Mack.  He wrote a brilliant book called Happiness From The Inside Out and he is my go-to for genius thoughts on joy and happiness.

When we were just riffing about life and love as we tend to do, we got into the subject of stories.  Not the awesome tales from childhood or the thing I ask my clients to get out there and collect, but the stories we create in our heads about what life and love are SUPPOSED TO BE.  Stories we have learned from the media, stories that we tell ourselves when things get tough and stories that we intellectually know don’t make sense but we secretly hope are true.

As we were talking Rob put something that has been swimming around in my head for awhile into a really smart thought.  Here is what he said.

“So much of our time is spent thinking and planning for life, instead of just living it.  When we get caught up in our heads figuring out how things are supposed to be or protect ourselves from failure so much, we miss what is actually happening.  What is working and what isn’t.  We spend so much time thinking about what our lives and relationships should be that we are rarely just present in it.”

This mindset is kicking your ass for many reasons, but I am going to touch on a few that have to do with dating and relationships to tell you why.

1)  No one can live up to the expectations

Have you ever met someone and it is just going really, really well.  Like life-stopping connection of awesomeness?  Then they get up to go to the bathroom or something and you are already thinking about all the “coulds” that can happen?    Oh!  We could go check out that new movie, I bet he would like that.  And when we vacation I can show him that secret little vineyard I loved so much in Tuscany, I bet he would love that.  Omg, Julie and Mark are going to LOVE HIM!!!  I hope our kids get his nose…..so cute!

See what happened there?

Fast forward:  Real life shows up and so does the real person with baggage, issues, insecurities, complications and fears.  That cute nose is attached to an actual person whose every move is not awesome.  They will have goods, bads and everything in between….just like you.

I love that you think you are a Psychic Sue who can see into the future.  But for the rest of us little people, we have to keep our eyes wide open as we meet people.  We need to see all of them, not just the parts that seem “perfect” right now.  That is unfair to them and you.  If you decide to just pick and choose the stuff you want to see, you are not opening yourself up to real love.  To embracing all parts of someone, just like you want to be loved.  To be loved for all parts of you, not just the good stuff.

2)  You are allowing bad behavior and ultimately enabling someone so they can’t change.

When you start making up pretend stories in your head of what relationships are supposed to be, instead of looking at what is really happening you are not only holding onto something that isn’t there, you are not allowing the other person to fail so that they can change.  I would love to say that most of us change when we notice bad behavior going on.  That we think “Uh-oh, do I do that?  How silly of me.  I should change that now.”  But we don’t.  We change when things get so bad we are forced to, otherwise we wouldn’t be doing it to begin with.  So when you tolerate, allow or enable that behavior, that person is not going to change.  Your fears are buying into theirs.  Nothing good is going to come from that….ever.

 3)  Why do you have to keep hatin’ on failure so much?

I am at a point where I am starting to think that we are sucking at this life thing.  I look around and I see people make choices every day to keep them from ever feeling bad or uncomfortable.  Yes, I get that it doesn’t feel good.  I get that failing makes us question ourselves and who we are.  But guess what?  Failing makes us question ourselves and who we are!  That is how we frickin’ learn people!  That is how we grow and evolve as humans.  That is how we become better versions of ourselves.  That is how we know enough about ourselves to offer a real version of ourselves to be loved.  Pain sucks, but it also is part of life.  You can try to avoid it, but it is always going to show up.  Always.  So why not go after all that you want and embrace it!  Learn from it.  Love the wonderful flawed, imperfect you.  Only with pain can we know true joy.

So who is ready to get real with me?  To stop pretending to be perfect, when we aren’t?  To go after love with wonderfully flawed people just like us?  To leave the fairytales to books and movies, instead of our lives.  What would happen if we just lived and loved fully?

-Kira