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FOUR REALLY EASY WAYS TO CHANGE THE WORLD

WARNING:  DO NOT READ IF SWEARING OFFENDS YOU OR IF YOU HAVE ZERO INTEREST IN CHANGING THE WORLD.

We can’t keep living like this.

School shootings.  Overdoses.  Politics.  Suicides…

Fuck.

I don’t have enough background or knowledge to give you detail after detail on each situation that is happening, however,  I can tell you, that there is something swimming around in our society that is creating this behavior and we are the only ones who can stop it.

And it all starts with love.

Although we all say we are out there trying to find it, most songs are sung about it, movie and TV plots created around it, even the ridiculous amount of quotes on facebook every day talking about it (yes, I know I do it), we really aren’t that fucking good at giving and receiving it on a daily basis.  And we straight up fully suck ass at sharing it with people who we don’t know.

Here is the truth.  We don’t really like ourselves that much anymore.  

Someone, somewhere started setting up some ridiculous standards a while ago about how we should look, act, learn, live, parent, etc and when we don’t fit that mold, there is something wrong with us.  So somewhere deep down we believe that if we don’t keep striving for those things, we won’t be loved.  By a significant other, our parents, our children or anyone.

So we create these fucked up things/places/groups that supposedly keep us safe, distract or even numb while we are working daily for all of these perfect ideals that don’t actually exist or make anyone happy.  They are comfort zones. Those comfort zones can look many ways but include: unhealthy relationships and friendships, toxic groups and beliefs, unhappy jobs, drinking and drugs, unhealthy relationships with food, etc.

We are all trying so hard not to feel the real feelings of life which can hurt.  However, those real feelings can also feel amazing.  Yin and yang, baby.

Because of that unhappiness and our fucked-up view of what we are supposed to be, we constantly judge others not like us or those ideals.  Tearing people down online and off.  Finding a little bit of some smug joy that “we have it more figured out than they do.”

HA!  Look how superior we are!  We are definitely going to some level of Special Heaven where prettier, skinnier people with nicer things go!

But we are getting this wrong.

Until we start liking ourselves enough to love and be loved we are spreading judgement and sometimes even hate in our society.

You may think that just by “doing your thing” everyday, that you are not hurting anyone.  OK, I am not going to say whether that is true or not…hello!  This is an article on judging!  But it is the complacency that is killing us.  The “I am not happy but it is easier to stay in my bubble, not rock the boat and just hope that things change” bullshit that is ALLOWING the world to keep on spinning into this sadness.

Someone fucking tell me now so I can just start upping my day drinking.  Are we going to ignore the hunger and poverty, right here in our own country?  Are we not going to acknowledge the abuse and neglect that happens to children and animals probably within 2 miles of your house?  The addictions and mental illness?  All of it?

Something’s fucking gotta give.

I am simply a life coach.  One who works with singles.  I am not going to pretend to know how to solve the world’s problems such as the environment, world economics, hunger, poverty, abuse and addiction.  However, I believe in a very simple idea that I do think changes the world.  Love.

Starting with liking yourself enough to have enough to be able to give to others.  To connect.  To create a place where we aren’t scared of each other but instead supporting each other to grow, learn and love.

I would be a pretty shitty life coach if I didn’t share some even small ideas on how to change this.  And I am not going to tell you to fucking meditate or do yoga.  Those are great things that I do believe in, but let’s get back to some basics here.

Here is where we can start to change the world.

1.  Do (at least) three things a day that are things you absolutely love and are passionate about.

That can look however you want it to, but it can not be some 30-second bullshit.  It should be real things.

If you are already saying that you don’t have time, get a grip!  How about starting with the 10 things you are doing that you hate to do?  If you are now going to whine about your significant other and kids remember this simple thought:  You have to put yourself at least tied for first priority in your life.

Plus,  how great of a parent/significant other are you being when you are exhausted and unhappy all the time? Nobody actually cares about all the stuff you are worried about and who cares?  That is their shit, not yours.

2.  Do (at least) 3 things a day for strangers.

Do not start over-thinking this.  I know you do that oh-so-well:)

Start with making eye contact, say hello and smiling. Go out of your way to give a compliment. Buy someone a coffee.  If you want, let it grow when you stop doing the 10 things you hate to do mentioned in the above paragraph.

If you do this just 3 times a day regularly, I promise that it will become the best addiction you have ever had and you are changing your life.  Bonus: you are changing other’s lives too.

Screw Random Acts of Kindness we need Regular Acts of Kindness!

3.  Stop fucking multi-tasking.

You are not actually getting that much shit done and usually it is half-assed.  There is research that people who remain present in their tasks and life are happier and feel more satisfaction.

Another simple way to change lives?  Give your full attention to the people you are with and talking to.  Now go get your Staples button and say “that was easy.”

4.  Be Kind Online

Here is a rule that I am making up right here, right now and hope the world follows it from this point on.

If you are not willing to sit across from a person, look them in the eye and say something, you can’t blog it, tweet it or leave it as a comment. Period. 

The anonymity of online has allowed hatred to grow and be spewed in horrible, toxic ways.  We need to stop that shit…yesterday.

I don’t care if you don’t like an opinion, article or blog post, there are nice ways to share your opinion or give constructive criticism.  You haven’t lived their life or had their experiences.  Stop pretending like you know more than they do.  And if you do know more? Write your own fucking blog!  You should then be a superstar!!!  Congratu-fucking-lations!

Listen, I do not have it all figured out and take the blame for our world on my shoulders just as much as the next person.  But I am sitting here, writing this on a Sunday night and ready to commit to these things.  Because I just turned 40 and I am going to stop fucking around.

I am here to change the world with love.

and clearly swearing:)

Who’s fucking with me?

Want the easiest way to change the world?  Join the League!  An FREE group program that changes the world by changing ourselves.  Let me be the Miyagi to your Ralph Macchio.  

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WHEN DID WE GET SO FUCKING SCARED?

So this is it.

Everything I feel like I have been working towards…maybe my whole life starts tomorrow.  Dramatic, I know.  But true.

I think I may have always been a little different than the average bear.

In life, I have always leaned towards the fun in situations.  In fact, the first portion of my work life was working with kids.  Running programs for them on cruise ships and at camps.  I loved it.

The ability to create a special place, a community, where they could re-invent themselves.  Be someone they never thought they were.  Push themselves in ways they never thought possible.

Change in the most beautiful ways.

All from just showing up and joining in on the fun.

Whether it was a water fight, practicing a skit, capture the flag or the amazing things that happened around that campfire, they were able to dive in first to the fun.  Let go of their inhibitions.  Be in the moment and just enjoy it.

Close their eyes and trust that everything was going to be just fine….

When did we stop doing that?

When did we give up our child-like curiosity?

When did we give up the NO FEAR attitude of a new adventure?

When did we stop looking at this world as a place to explore?  To embrace?  To climb all over like a jungle gym?

When did we get so scared of everyone around us? 

When did we buy into the fear?

It is time that we stop.

Because as I have said so many times before….

“What starts in fear will never end in love.”

When we move through life based in fear and the idea that it will hurt us, it probably will.

When we move through life based in love, you never know what amazing will show up.

The love for yourself.

Love for who you want to be.

and

Love for the world.

That is why I have created The League.

Because I want to start creating these experiences for adults.  And why not for singles?  A time in your life where you could use the push, the community, the fun and the reminder to begin in love.

So let’s fucking do this.

It is time to get passionate about life, make new friends, find the fun and start creating the life you have always wanted.

For you and for the amazing people (maybe someone special) you are going to meet while you have your adventures along the way.

 

Check out The League here.

If you have ANY questions, feel free to email me at The League

-Kira

ps. I think one of the scavenger hunt participants said it best…

“Fear has ruled long enough in my life. What do I mean? Fear of what people think, fear of going to hell for (just about anything), fear of not finding love, fear of not pleasing people enough, fear of being homeless, fear of losing my job, fear of my child dying, fear of not having a man….and the list is endless. This hunt has shown that by conquering fears, like lunch alone by myself, I will survive and grow in the process. Giving into my fear, I lack courage. I want to leave a legacy to my daughter to be fearless. Part of being fearless is being vulnerable.”

Sarah, Denver

PODCAST: STOP WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COMPLETE YOU!

Seriously….stop doing that shit.

Today I am going to break down the two reasons people have relationships and which one is killing you (Hint: it’s the “complete me” reason)…cause I am good like that.

[powerpress]

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!)? That’s ok, check me out on iTunes and download for your workout or commute! Check out all of our podcasts here. Today’s transcript is right here.

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HOW TO STOP DATING BAD BOYS

OK…I admit it and I am not proud.

I used to really like Bad Boys.

No, I am not a huge fan of tattoos.  I am pretty accident-prone, so motorcycles scare the heck out of me.  I think black leather is a bit cheesy.  And piercings?  All I can say is OUCH!

However, for years, I had this image in my head of what a bad boy looks like (probably from the movie Grease when I was 5) and because I never dated anyone who looked like the above description I thought I wasn’t dating bad boys.

Boy, was I totally and completely wrong.

It turns out, bad boys are everywhere and you probably aren’t recognizing the because they may be disguising themselves as normal guys you work with and hang out with every day.  They could be cute co-workers, guys you volunteer with, soulful musicians, accountants, passionate artists and even the adorable nerds that make you want to understand advanced math.

Wait, what are you saying?  If even the adorable nerdy guys can be bad boys, is there any hope?

Why yes, yes there is.

Gather round…let me share a personal story.

My flavor of “bad boy” was disguised as the passionate, creative, wicked smart, super funny, cute guys.  10 extra points if they had a good accent.

Witty banter flowed like boxed wine and I always got a little stumbly when they would go into their 10 minute soliloquy on what they were really passionate about–usually music.  They made me laugh, think and smile.  They led me through some of the most romantic and swooning moments of my life.

You are probably thinking….wait!  I like that kind of  guy too.

I mean, who doesn’t?

What I am forgetting to mention (and loved to completely ignore) is that along with these fun qualities they also were brooding, narcissistic, passive-aggressive, non-communicators, completely emotionally unavailable and honestly…a little lost.

But don’t worry ladies…I could save them!  And kept trying over and over, thinking I was the exception–just like every Rom-Com told me.  I had exactly what they needed to realize their full potential. I was the one who could change them.

I would love them until they loved themselves!  

le sigh.

But in between the rare swooning moments, they took me on the constant roller coaster ride of wondering where we stood and how they felt. One moment we were all about each other, the next I didn’t hear from them for days.  Always left feeling sad, confused, frustrated and lonely.

I wanted to give up.  

But there was always a charming “bad boy” around the corner ready to take me on the roller coaster ride.

It took years of crying in my cornflakes, exhausting my friendships as they were forced to listen to conversation after conversation of confusion and frustration, that I finally had to get real with myself.

If I was riding on this dating roller coaster, I had to admit to myself that I was the one buying the ticket and I was going have to be the one to stop the ride.

It started by admitting that these so-called “bad boys” are not actually that bad.

At the end of the day, they were truly great guys who I don’t think ever meant to hurt me or lead me on.  They just hadn’t worked out their own crap to be able to be great for me and create a relationship.  Somewhere along the way they were not set-up for dating and relationship success.  They probably were not raised in a positive environment where it was ok to share their feelings.  They weren’t taught dating and relationship skills and overall, they didn’t even know what to do to be in a successful relationship.

Most of us don’t.

I couldn’t ignore that they also wanted to connect and feel love.  We all do.  They just weren’t in a place to do that successfully.

Funniest part is, many of them even warned me that they were not looking for a relationship for exactly these reasons.  However, I didn’t care….I believed that “Love Conquers All!!!”

LOVE would save the day!

All we needed was LOVE!

Um…..so heads up.  That is BS.

Because when I didn’t set up healthy boundaries, ask for what I needed, watch for signs of unhealthy behavior and walk away when it was not working…love couldn’t grow or even show up.

Blaming them just kept me in a place where I could be the perfect victim in the world of my own creation.  If it was all their fault, it wasn’t on me and that meant I wasn’t broken…right?

But playing the victim kept me in that sad, frustrated, unhappy place where nothing changed.  And if nothing changed I still didn’t get love.

It was on me to step back and look at my role in the situations.  If I wanted the situation to change, I had to change.

I needed to: 

Dig in on why I was getting into these situations.  Because what I was attracted to was obviously not working.

Figure out why I kept pushing away the guys who really liked me an would show up consistently. Because I did that. 

Find out what I needed to actually feel good in a relationship.  Because it is different for everyone.

Have the confidence to ask for what I needed.  Because I would hide my needs when I liked someone and it left me feeling lost and empty.

Most importantly, I needed to slow down, watch for unhealthy signs and be able to walk away if it isn’t working.

Because love and dating are not so scary if you know how to choose the right people and walk away if they aren’t ready to be great for you.  

Once I did that, I was able to spot the “great guy” who was available and ready to create an amazing relationship with me.  One where I wake up every day knowing I am totally and completely loved for who I am.

Are you ready to get off the roller coaster and break up with bad boys?  How can I help?

-K

If you liked this article, then get tons more dating genius just like this in my brand new FREE audiobook!  Download it here!

PODCAST: ARE YOU SPECIAL?

Bringing it down for a minute today…

Listen up as I share my very first theory about love and it just might change your life.  Seriously!  Would I lie to you?

[powerpress]

Your adventure for today:  Journal the shit out of these questions.

When was the last time you just showed up as completely you and made someone feel really, really special?  Leaving the worries behind.

When have you approached someone with a child-like curiosity and collected their stories like fireflies?  Gone slow enough to get to know all of them and just embrace them for exactly who they are?

What does special feel like to you?

Have you cleared away the baggage enough to feel it?

 DON’T FORGET TO SIGN-UP FOR THE SCAVENGER HUNT OF AWESOMENESS HERE.

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

Today’s transcript is right here.

PODCAST: THREE SIGNS YOU ARE NOT READY FOR LOVE

OH SHIT.

It is gettin’ real today.  Real good, that is.

Today is a big ass reality check about no matter how much you bitch about it over wine, are you actually ready for love?

Listen up as I break down my thoughts on how to detect about whether or not you are even ready for love if someone great shows up.

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

Today’s transcript is right here.

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WHY DATING FOR POTENTIAL MAKES YOU AN ASSHOLE

So I have a little confession for you…..

I am a recovering fixer.

Yup.

This is truth. I always joke (but am serious as fuck) that I can smell a tortured soul from across the room.  Especially if they are a musician.  It is my gift and my curse.

After a couple of drinks, I find I am drawn to everything this person has to say and that all I want in the world is to help them realize the potential that they don’t see.

How can they not see it?  It is right there in front of them!  Just relax handsome musician, help is here!!!!  I will help you become all that you can be!

Le sigh. You know what?

That is such utter bullshit for a bunch of reasons. Let me break down the basics.

You can’t fix anybody’s shit.  No matter how much you love them, inspire them, encourage them and even do shit for them, it never works.  Never.  They have to do it for themselves.

You are just dragging out the inevitable. In fact, if there is some really bad behavior going on there and you are allowing it, you are actually enabling them by not allowing them to fail and then eventually change.  You are holding them back from their better lives.

Plus, just because you are there tirelessly supporting them through some really rough stuff does not automatically mean they will stay with you and love you forever once they have figured their stuff out.

Actually, now that they are healthy, they will probably move on to someone who is also healthy and doesn’t spend their life fixing people.

Finally, if you do stay together, you will feel super uncomfortable in the relationship because you can’t fix anything. You will have a hard time figuring out what is your role in the relationship and ultimately move on to your next project so you can save the world.

One by one!

Never feeling like you have a healthy and balanced relationship. Plus, if you are a fixer on any level, here is the one thing I want you to remember.

Ultimately, when you date for potential, it makes you an asshole.

I could not give a fuck if you have the best intentions under the sun, every person should be able to date someone who loves them for exactly where they are at.

Right at this very moment. Just as is.

If you don’t like where they are at at this moment.  You need to move on.  They deserve to be with someone who thinks they are the end all be all for just being them. Isn’t that what you want too? And if they are in such a bad place that no one will date them, then that is part of their journey too.  They will use that pain to make the changes they need to make and become better people who can have a healthy relationship.

Ultimately, this behavior is exhausting and never going to get you where you want to go.  You’ve got to stop fixing others and start working on you!

There is a reason this behavior feels comfortable for you and you need to figure it out to start dating others who can truly love you and create healthy relationships with you. Because with amazing love and healthy relationships we will evolve into better people.

That is where the really gooey good stuff lies.  But it has to start with love, appreciation and respect.

Right where we are.

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WHY YOUR TRUST ISSUES ARE ABOUT YOU

Fucking trust.

It comes up a lot with my clients.

And why wouldn’t it?  Let’s be honest, there are a lot of shit relationships out there and if you have been dating for awhile there is a pretty good chance you have been in at least one.

It is hard to throw a rock nowadays and not meet someone with “trust issues”.  Just bringing up dating will cause them to delve into a depressing tale at the drop of a hat about cheating, divorce or lots of lies.

I have to be honest, I have heard some stories that would not only stop me from dating but hole me up in my house in the fetal position shouting for Ewan McGregor!  (What?  I love Scottish accents!)

But a lot of times when I hear these stories, they are told like the badges of honor.  Proving to me (and themselves) that there is no one good out there, so why even bother.  What’s the point?

However, they are quietly hoping I am going to prove them wrong, because everyone wants to believe in love.

So today I am keeping it short but mostly sweet.  I am going to drop some knowledge to put this trust thing in perspective.  To give you back that hope.

Because when we stop believing in love, what do we have?  

A life that is depressing as fuck, that’s what.  Like a world without naps, coffee, champagne or mini ponies.  I don’t want to live there….do you?

So here it goes!

When we start to talk about trust issues and not being able to trust others, we need to take a big giant step back and ask a much bigger question.

That question?  Do we actually trust ourselves?  

Let’s let that sit there for a second, shall we?

Because at the end of the day, trust is not really about them, it is about us.

We can not control others so we need to trust that we will make the right choice in who we choose to date.

Trust that we can slow down and recognize red flags.

Trust that we will communicate what we need.

Trust that we can set-up healthy boundaries that build healthy relationships.

And most importantly, trust that we can walk away when something is not working.  That is the big one.

Because, when we can do those things, we can keep our heads and hearts open and make smart choices in our relationships.  We can openly trust and kick those “trust issues” to the curb.

Everyone is doing the best that they can and deserves our trust.  However, it is always our choice to stay or walk away if it is not working.

Adventure of the Day:

Journal the shit out of these questions:

Do you trust yourself?  Know what you need enough to ask for it?  Trust yourself to walk away if it isn’t working?  If you don’t, how can you change it?

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WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT LOVE IN COSTA RICA

 It was a bit of a nightmare.

A movie moment that is uncomfortably laughable because you are just so glad it is not happening to you.

But it happened to me.  (add dramatic music)

I was exhausted but smiling.

On the bus to my destination, Cahuita.  A tiny village on the Caribbean side of Costa Rica.  Happy that in a few short hours I would arrive and head to the B & B that I researched and booked months ago for it’s adorable Canadian owners and the fenced in security since I was traveling alone.

I was reading my mildly trashy teen fantasy fiction (don’t look at me like that) and sitting next to a lovely lady from Saskatchewan when the bus slowed down and then came to a stop in the middle of the road.  I looked up from my novel  only to see why and it looked like there was some traffic ahead.  No big deal.

Then after a few minutes, the bus driver cut the engine.  Full bus.  No air conditioning.  We were not going anywhere.

And we didn’t for almost three hours.  Stuck because of a terrible accident, it was the only road to Cahuita so all I could do was sit and wait.  Have I mentioned I am not so good at this waiting thingy?  However, I had finally made it to Costa Rica so I continued reading about teen vampires and decided to relax and smile.

Four hours later than was planned, 7+ hours on the bus total, we finally rolled into the town I was staying in.

By the way…..

It was pouring down rain.  Like fucking rainforest raining.

My ride was long gone and it was dark out.

My español is no bueno.

I had no idea of the location of the B&B and had no cell reception to get it off my email on my phone.

Turns out there is no official taxi service in this village.

Oh, did I mention I could not even carry all of my suitcases because I had stopped for a 12 pack of wine at the duty free shop in the airport for my retreat?  I am pretty sure the locals who saw me with all of this luggage, soaking wet and no Spanish just thought,  La Gringa Loca.

For a moment, I imagined I was Kathleen Turner from Romancing the Stone but no young Michael Douglas showed up.

I. was. fucked.

But I got there.  About 30 minutes later after finding wi-fi, asking a bartender sweetly to use his phone and then call a taxi.  It was a bit of a mess, but I got there.  Exhausted and soaking wet.

I then ended up with a bad cold for the first 3+ days barely leaving except for food basics.

Yup, that is how I do Costa Rica.  

I am pretty much a catastrophe here.

I am covered in 60 SPF sunscreen and mosquito repellant at all times.  Super sexy, I know.

My hair is somewhere between frizzy and really frizzy and too hot to wear down anyway.

I feel like I have a thin veil of sweat on me most of the time.  I can’t even convince myself that it is a “glow” no matter how much I life coach that shit.

My espanol is not so bueno.  Almost non-existent.  The spanish prep that I was planning never happened after my Dad went into the hospital in January.

I have blisters all over my feet from walking so much.

I am mildly uncomfortable all of the time.

But then there was this.

And this.  I named him Larry.  He lived in my almond tree.  I love him.

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And this.  The view I have had from my hammock as I write and work.

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And with all of these beautiful and new things, all of a sudden, holes in my soul that I didn’t even know were there were filled.

And things I was worried about just started to seem silly.

And what is important in life is glowing in my head.  Reminding me that so much that I work so hard for is total shit.

And whether or not I am catastrophe or not in Costa Rica doesn’t really matter.  Because on the inside, I am forever changed from this beautiful paradise.

And it didn’t matter that I was mildly uncomfortable anymore.  It was all completely worth it.

It is like love.  Real, true, amazing love.  

It will be mildly uncomfortable at times.  You may even have days where you feel like a catastrophe.  Or you feel like you don’t speak their language.  But at the end of the day, it is totally and completely worth it.

Want to join me on my next trip?  Let me know and I will get you on the list.

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TELL EVERYONE TO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

Today will be short and salty.  So hold onto your socks, Sugarpants.

Regularly friends, colleagues, coaches and even clients will point me in the direction of a new website of some promising to help people “find their soulmate” and they always ask, “do you think they are your competition?”

My answer is always the same.  Nope. Nada.  Not even a tiny bit.

Anyone who is searching for “the one”  or their “soulmate” probably isn’t chillin’ like a villain on my blog.  My kick-ass people like hard-core  truths, really smart conversations about how to create healthy relationships, mediocre 80s references and unicorns.

They are the Buttercup to my Beloved Wesley.  The Chunk to my Sloth.  The Joanie to my Chachi…..

However, I DO have some stiff competition out there that sabotages my clients on a daily basis without even knowing it and and makes my job so much harder.  I mean wicked hard.  (That is for you my Boston friends)

Who are these unknowing saboteurs?  Your well meaning friends and family.

True fucking story.

Trust me, I am not trying to suck and make the amazing people in your life who truly love you feel bad.  I can promise you their intentions are good and they want the best for you.  I do not doubt that at all.

It’s just there are a lot of these amazing people giving truly crap love advice.  And the worst part is you are listening to it.

So what exactly does this look like?

They are projecting their scarcity fears on you and encouraging you to stay in crap relationships.  There is nothing to do with love in that.

They nitpick apart your newest dates because they are scared of losing you as their “single friend”.

They are sharing their “horror stories” to make you nervous and glom onto anybody who looks mildly ok…at all.  Jumping in too quickly.  Helping you make up stories in your head that aren’t remotely true.

Then they are there pouring the wine when you are devastated when it doesn’t work out, telling you that “you were too good for them.  They don’t deserve you.”  Never really giving you honest feedback for you to learn from and move forward.  Because let’s be honest….it is not always them.

They are reminding you that you are not getting younger, prettier and that others 10 years younger than you will be moving in to compete with you any minute!!

Yikes!  Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Listen, I realize that this is not all friends and family, but just because people are in or have been in a relationship does not mean that they can give you solid advice.  Or that it is even applicable to your situation.  Because they are bringing their own experiences and fears with them.  It is not there fault.  They want to help and that is the way that they know how.

However, my guess is that a lot of you are pretty great at reading labels, product reviews and testimonials.  You want to know what is going in your mouth or what you are paying for.

So why would you just take love, dating and relationship advice without checking out the source and making sure it is sound?  

Your three-times divorced Aunt Edna might be a pass, or your hot mess friend who has a new boyfriend every month and is always in love with love might not be your best bet.

We are looking more for your friend whose relationship works really well and can share the goods and the reals with you.  Or your grandparents who have had to work through the tough stuff to find a partner.

Want to know your best bet?  Listen to your gut…..or me.  One of the two.

So what shit advice have you gotten?  Share on our facebook!

PODCAST: MEN CAN’T READ MINDS. GET OVER IT.

Want a psychic?  Hire one.

Want a relationship?  You effin’ create. Men aren’t mindreaders.

Listen up as I break down how we need to stop believing that people love us more if they can read our minds. That is looney tunes and kicking your ass…

 

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

Today’s transcript is right here.

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WHY YOU NEED TO STOP LOOKING FOR LOVE

No, I am not trying to be a super downer.  

I am a life coach for God’s sake.  I think we know I am am mostly rainbows, unicorns with a side of sugar cookies.  The good kind. With sprinkles.

But we are not fucking around here, people.  Love is too amazing to be messed with.

So let’s talk about that incredible thing called love.

Even if you deny it, you want love.  We emotionally and physically NEED love.  It is a stunning, pure and life-changing emotion. It makes us happy, feel special and gives us the support to follow our dreams, conquer our fears and become our best selves.

Yeah I know that was a little Oprah-fied.  Talking about love makes me a little squishy.

So here is the good news.  We are naturally good at love.  As children, we are born with a beautiful, open capacity to love and be loved; the ability to open our hearts and minds to people and let them into our lives.

But here is the catch, Sugarpants – ultimately, we are not looking for love.

Love comes easy.  The rush of that emotion is one of the most uncomplicated things on earth.

It is the relationship that fucks us up.  Every. Single. Time.

Most break-ups do not happen because of love.  Rarely do we actually “fall out of love or does it fade away.”  That is some bullshit someone said once and people said, “Yeah.  Let’s say that.  That kind of makes sense.”

Not on my watch, Chachi.  Not on my watch.

It is not that love changes, it is that we have not set it up properly to grow.  Evolve.  Thrive.  Last.

We get so caught up in the chemicals, chemistry and connection in the beginning of love we forget to look at all of the other stuff that makes relationships work.  The shit that matters.  The shit that actually makes or breaks our relationships.

And if we haven’t done the work up front to learn how to communicate, solve problems together, give and receive love, respect, appreciate….you know, the important shit, it makes no different how strong the love is in the beginning.

You will end up standing there with your heart in your hand, again and again,  wondering what the fuck happened.

Love is a part, a beautiful part, but in many ways, it is only the beginning.

That movie moment, holding hands on your front porch when you are 90 kind of dream that most people have doesn’t happen because of love, it means you created a relationship strong enough to keep the love going.

Ultimately, you may be having a hard time at this dating/relationships thingy – not because of love – but because of how you learn and understand relationships.   Unlike love, it is not a gift you were born with and it is not a super power that you get from a radioactive spider bite.

It is a learned behavior and most likely what you learned was….meh.  At best.

And the truth is, which I have learned the hard way a bunch of times, that most of us are not naturally good at this.

When we were wee things we learned about relationships everywhere.  We were like little sponges watching the way the world interacts.  Movies and television, our parents and other adult figures in our lives, our own experiences with others…and let’s be honest, sometimes we did not have the best role models.  Kids can be mean, and adults have their own flaws that make seeing how to connect with people and create long lasting relationships almost obsolete.

What it leaves us with is a seriously fucked up view of what relationships look and feel like.

So we go out there “looking for love,” get hooked on the temporary attraction and are left confused when relationships don’t work out asking “didn’t they love me enough?”  When it never really was about love.

It was about the many, many other things that make relationships a success or failure.

We need to stop looking for love and start creating a relationship.  Start from the ending.  Walking into it with clear eyes, knowledge of what we need and ready to share our owner’s manual up front.

Anything less is bullshit and you need to stop blaming love or yourself when you just didn’t set up your relationship for success.  You just didn’t know.  That is why I am here.

But if you are not willing to set it up for success, what the fuck are we doing here, people?

We need to realize that when we walk through life, sometimes stumbling into people that we feel love for, that we always have the option to create a relationship with them.  Realize that it is about more than just beginning feelings and we have the power to choose to let them be a part of our lives or not.

We need to take the time to know how they work and most importantly, how you work together.

Because I promise you this: the rush of attraction has absolutely nothing on the unconditional love that happens with a truly healthy relationship.  Where you wake up every morning knowing you are loved.  Fully and completely.

That shit is amazing and I want that for you.

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WHY YOU ARE NOT DATING GREAT GUYS

It took me a long time…..

but there was finally a time after the therapy/coaching and hitting my head against the wall so many times I thought I had a permanent concussion from dating unavailable men, that something shifted in me.

One day, I woke up and didn’t want that shit anymore and I had to have a tough moment where I needed to fess up to myself that it was ME choosing them.  Again and again.

I was the one buying the ticket to the crazy train and that shit was on me.

After some pretty solid self work, I dated a great guy.  Before we start the applause and cheers, let me admit something to you…..it wasn’t fucking easy.

Things would be going well and then I would freak out.  For the weirdest reasons that weren’t even real reasons.

I would come up with excuses of why it would never work.

Talk myself out of it.

Push him away.

Quietly sabotage it because after years and years of shouting “where are all the good ones??” I actually had no idea what to do with one when he showed up.

It felt weird and super duper uncomfortable.  “This person likes me??  Don’t they know how ridiculous I am?  What happens when they see all of the crazy hanging out???  This could get really messy.”

I was talking myself out of it before any of the really good stuff could even happen.

At that point, I had to have the hard conversation with myself about why it felt wrong when someone kept giving me everything right?  

When he kept caring about me and then asked me to trust him.  You can read about that here.

Doing all of the things that I had actually been talking about for all of those years.

What the fuck was wrong with me???

So here is what I figured out during that time and I want to share some of my growing pains with you.  You’re welcome.

If we do not like ourselves very much, question our worth and if we are truly capable of having a healthy relationship, when someone starts to like you it just doesn’t make sense.

It doesn’t compute in our subconscious brain.

We learned when we were young that love looks a certain way (probably not a healthy one) and it just doesn’t match up in your head.

So instead of feeling good when someone kind likes us and treats us well, we have learned to know and accept half-ass, unavailable or partial love because that is what we know.  That is what feels comfortable to us.

That is what has become your kind of love and by the way, that is shit.

These are the moments, Sugarpants, where you have to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Having a hard time knowing if you do this?  Here are some tell-tale signs.

You will say that someone who likes you is “too nice.”

Even though they are doing what you know is appropriate, you will feel like it is clingy or too much.  “Why is he all up in my grill?  Why is he asking me so many questions? Why does he want to know so much about me?  Does he have an ulterior motive?”

Even though you initially thought they were cute, you now don’t find them attractive because what they are doing feels weird to you.  “Hmmm, are they really that cute?  I should ask my friends.”

They are too supportive!  (I am just shaking my head on that one, ladies.)

You may even think that they seem weak because they are making themselves vulnerable and available to you.  “Doesn’t he have anything better to do than ask me about my day?”

But this is some fucked up kind of bullshit we have bought into.

That a kind, healthy person who can give and receive love is too needy.  Yes, let’s throw away the guys that show up regularly, ask us questions and listen to the answers and have the ability to create something great with us.  Let’s do that.

Instead, we spend our days chasing the  unavailable guys because we are going to love him until he loves himself! Even if it takes fucking years!!!  We are in this to win this no matter how shitty it makes us feel!   Then we will have earned their love and they will never, ever go away!

Good luck with that.  Tell me how that shit goes for you.

The lesson:  if good people liking you makes you feel uncomfortable and you sabotage it, you need to step up and take care of that shit because that isn’t magically going to go away.  You are just going to keep dating people who are comfortable and most likely unhealthy.

What did I do?  I did something I never did before.  I told him my fears.

I shared what I was worried about.

I let him in on what I was freaking out about and why and more importantly what he should do when that happened to help me work through it.

I gave him the owner’s manual to my heart.  

So he could succeed and we could create something together.

I stopped struggling with myself and gave into the love.  I went all in.

Because love has to go both ways and for all those years I had learned how to give but forgot to learn how to receive.

It changed my life.

Ready to change your life?  Get in the Owner’s Manual!

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THE HAPPINESS JAR

Let me tell you a few things I am all about…..

1)  Coffee so strong it will put hair on your chest.

2)  Soul filling music that is so good it actually changes your mood.  {Hence, I keep making you playlists}

3)  Life changing conversations with anyone.  The kind that make you realize that someone has just beautifully shared a little piece of their life.

4)  True Naples Pizza.  Wood-fired, puffy on the outside and thin in the middle.  I live for that shit.

5)  Doing my absolute best to set myself up for success for all situations.  This includes realistic expectations, saying no to things and bringing only the awesomest of people into my life.

The last one is really important at this time of the year.  Being an “in it to win it” kind of person, I always want to set huge goals for myself for my New Year’s Resolutions.  I have learned the hard way that is downright silly.

Raise your hand in the air like you just don’t care if this sounds like you.

You sit up at night thinking about all of the things you need to do.  What you really, really want. Promising yourself in the wee hours of the morning that this year will be different.  This year you will ___________ {fill in the blank}

You then make these grandiose plans and then get frustrated, overwhelmed and give up.  Proving to yourself that you are a failure.  Bad news bears.

So you know, none of that is true.  At all.  You just didn’t set yourself up for realistic success.  I know for myself,  after years of doing that and failing, I go back to the very basic idea from What About Bob….it is all about baby steps.

Here is a reminder if you forgot:)

 

So this year, I am throwing out all of my resolutions and choosing one small, simple way to change my life for the better and I am challenging you to join me.  I am starting a Happiness Jar.

“What is that?” you exclaim!  Let me tell you.

Started by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, the concept is super simple.  Here are the basics.

At the end of every day, write down your best moment of the day and put it in the jar.  That’s it.  Why is that so important?  First of all, to keep yourself in the mindset of looking for good things.  Second, because when you are having a tough day you can look through your happy moments and successes to remind you that this is only a blip of yuckiness.

Here is what her jar looks like.

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League of Adventurous Singles Addition: Why not also add little things that make you happy.  Quotes, tickets to a concert or event, pictures of people who love you.  I mean, this is your happiness jar. Go to town.

How super simple and fun is that?  AND you get to use a mason jar!  OMG! We are so pinteresty.

You can of course decorate it however you want, but I have also created a couple of printables if you want to use them for your jar because in case you haven’t noticed, I really like you.  I am not a professional graphic designer, so give me a little break.  AND by the way, one is inspired by Kool and the Gang:)

Good-Times 10422532_10152921100886675_886171058690095395_n 10882193_10152921332271675_6022023677546719370_n 10898178_10152921332276675_5960655906992131364_n

 

 

Enjoy!

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THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU NEED FOR LOVE

I recently read this super smart article on Psychology Today.  I passed it around to my clients and even on facebook because I thought there was so much truth there about the ways we sabotage ourselves when it come to love and relationships.

The people I heard back from really liked it, but there was a resounding message from them across the land…..

Fuck Kira!  This shit is hard.  I am not sure I want to do that shit.

I know, grasshopper.  I know…..

Knowing yourself well enough to recognize your stuff and then doing something about it….well, where do you even begin?  Wasn’t this supposed to be easier than this?  Just fall into place?  Happen organically and then we just live happily ever after????

Nope.

You have been lied to about love and relationships for a very long time.

Call Disney and tell them you want your childhood back.  While you are on the phone with them, get me tickets to Disney World.  It has been too long.  I love it there.

Let me break this down for a moment. (add beatbox sound)

So….here is the deal.  Unlike our ancestors, we don’t have to have relationships anymore.  It’s true.  We don’t have to get married to survive in our world like 100 years ago.  Your family doesn’t get a donkey for you anymore and procreation is doing just fine without you.

Without trying too hard, you can usually get a good job, an apartment and even a dog/cat and live a pretty great life.  I mean shit, you can have/adopt a kid on your own and start your own family.  Most likely, you are not going to go hungry, homeless or be dead and empty inside.

Ultimately, you don’t have to do this.

Here is the absolute truth that is not going to be found in the two million dating tips and tricks articles out there.

The truth is, relationships are not necessary for survival anymore so at the end of the day, you have to fucking want it.  

Bad.

With our pretty long list of expectations and even long life spans, married for life looks way different than it did a few years ago.  It is absolutely do-able, but you have got to want it more than the convenience of single life.

You are going to have to want it when letting someone in for real feels uncomfortable.  It will.

You are going to have to want it when becoming vulnerable is scary.  It is.

You are going to have to want it when compromising your life, schedule and things becomes annoying.  It is going to.

You are going to have to want it to communicate on the level that makes relationships work, which will bring on confrontation and insecurity.  They will show up.

You are going to have to want it when you go through rough days and moments and want to just hide your head and the sand and make it go away.  Which you will.

You are going to need to believe in love and relationships more than the days that you don’t like them or even yourself.  It’s going to happen.

Creating a long-term relationship is one of the most challenging things we can do in our life.  It will rock every fiber of your being and make you question yourself.

So you might be asking yourself, why the fuck would you do that?  That sounds hard.  Hard seems bad.

 

Here is what I believe.  Why I wake up every morning.  Why I run a business that is downright not easy for me.

I believe when we create great love and beautiful healthy relationships we become stronger, happier and better people.

I believe when we are loved we can be better friends. Knowing we are deeply loved, little stuff rolls off of us and we have more time to listen and support others to be better people.

I believe when we are loved, we can be better parents. Because when we can be loved and we can give love, we will not doubt being good enough for them. When we are loved we learn and teach it is OK to make mistakes.
Your love and respect for others will teach them to be honest, kind and real.  Modeling a healthy love relationship is the greatest gift you can give to your children.

I believe when we are loved, we can be better family members.  Because when we have deep love and support we don’t have to default to unhealthy behaviors with our siblings and parents.

I believe when we are loved we move through this world more kind and able to give to others.  We smile more and are doing random acts of kindness without even thinking about it.  We change lives just because we are loved.  This kind of love does not come from fairy dust nor does it just happen to lucky people.  It comes from doing smart but rewarding self-work up front so you can create that kind of love and relationship.

Being in a working, supportive relationship is nothing less than beautiful and CHOOSING to show up every day and be a part of someone’s life is the most amazing gift you can give and receive.  Better than anything you will get this holiday season.  Better than virtually anything on earth.

It means more than ever because we don’t have to be there.  We don’t have to have that relationship.  We are there because we believe in love.

I want this for you.  It is hard but I will help you in any way I can.

So, how bad do you want it?

 

PODCAST: CLOSURE IS FUCKING OVERRATED

I have a friend and she wrote a book.  

It is all kinds of genius.

I have her on today as my first ever guest, Andrea Owen, talking about everything you need to know about closure, effed-up relationships and how to get over them.

You want to listen…..immediately.

[powerpress]

Find Andrea’s free chapters and bonus items here and make sure to get on over to amazon and pick up your copy today!

 

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

 

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STOP WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COMPLETE YOU

You complete me?  I just threw up in my mouth a little (or a lottle).

Le sigh.

So I have been working some shit out about relationships.

Partially because I like to have really smart conversations with people, to theorize and research, to figure out why things are kind of fucked up.

Partially because I am working through stuff myself.  

Because even though I can see other people’s shit, I don’t always see my own and I try to learn from my successes and mistakes.  I am sometimes amazed as I stand back and watch myself make decisions, then dig deep enough to figure out why I am making them.  Eventually, turning them around if they are based in fear.

BTW, it ain’t easy.

Seeing the fears that show up when we start to care about someone is like watching a bad 80s movie.  It’s not good but you can’t turn away.  

But, here is what I do know.  So many times we are looking for the destination, however love and relationships don’t end when you find someone.  That is where they begin.  And if you are doing this relationship thingy right, your shit is going to show up at some point.  Guar-an-teed.

In fact, it is probably showing up in how you find someone.

So in all of this researchery, I have really seen two reasons of why people have relationships.

1.  To confirm who they are, or more importantly, who they want to be.  

This is what that looks like.

I am loveable, right?  

If someone loves me there is no way I am crazy. 

If I am with someone really attractive, others will think I am special.  That I am clearly cool and successful.  Even if I feel like shit on the inside.

If someone chooses me, I must not completely suck.  They can fix me.

If am in a relationship, that proves that I am ok.  That I am worthy.  That I must be pretty enough.  

That there is nothing wrong with me.

or

2.  Bring someone awesome into your life.  Just to share this crazy journey and be great for each other.

Because when you like yourself enough (and have taken care of your shit) you don’t need to be completed.  Fuck You Jerry Maguire!

You don’t freak the fuck out about everything they say wondering if they are trying to hurt your feelings, you just know they aren’t.

You aren’t weirdly needy or insecure when they can’t be amazing for you every day, because you are taking care of your own shit.  But you feel comfortable enough to reach out for help, input or a hug when you need it.

You accept them fully for who they are, flaws and all, because you are not needing them to be perfect to make you look good.   You already feel good enough to not care about that shit.

You realize that they are choosing to show up in your life every day and create a relationship with you.  That, my amazing friends, is the most incredible gift we can give another person.  That shit is beautiful.

See the difference there, Sugarpants?

I get that when we feel loved we feel stronger and happier but that is only when it is love that can grow into something stronger and happier.  The rest is built on fear and that is not a foundation to support real love.  There is nothing happy in that place.

When you are good on your own creating that amazing relationship is not the destination, it is just the next step in the kick-ass journey called life.

PODCAST: FIVE TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU SHOULD RUN FROM IMMEDIATELY

Don’t you wish you had a crystal ball to see in the future if your new relationship will all work out?

Well you can’t so get over that shit now.  However, there are very tell tale signs of people who aren’t really ready for a healthy relationship right now.

Listen up as I break down  five different personalities that you you should run (not walk) away from…..immediately!

[powerpress]

 

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

Today’s transcript are right here.

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I AM NOT FOR EVERYONE…NEITHER ARE YOU

I need to say something hard.  Out loud.  I want to yell it in some ways because it is uncomfortable.  

I was at a party this weekend and was talking to a nice and attractive gentleman I had just met.  Being playful and a little champagney (Yes, that is a word.  Stop judging me!)  I asked him to tell me three things about himself.  He was clever, a bit cryptic and lovely.  When he turned the question around on me, which doesn’t always happen,  I went into the struggle in my mind of being absolutely real vs. looking awesome.  I wrestle with this a lot.  I like looking awesome.

I don’t even recall exactly what I said, but after one of them he said.  “That was a bit vulnerable, thank you.”  

I smiled and was relieved that he acknowledged that, because here is the truth.

This is fucking hard for me.  

Part of me really loves to be this online presence that doles out smart stuff about love and talks about adventure and travel.  It is safe. Not necessarily easy, but safe.

I have also created a business as a life coach that feeds into that.  Sliding into the comfort of always asking the questions.  Of exploring without being explored.  That is what my clients pay me for, so I can easily justify it.  However, I can’t deny that it has bled into my personal life too.  My friendships and even dating.

That after a while, I have stopped sharing my own stories, fears and dreams.  I just keep them to myself in a way I never did before.  So if I fail, no one really knows.  I fail a lot, by the way.  You probably didn’t know that.  Because I like to look awesome.

So here are some not so awesome things about me I want to share with you:

I am slightly obsessed with teen TV shows, books and movies.  I totally contributed to the Veronica Mars Movie Kickstarter campaign.  In the past, I even will go out of my way to go to opening weekend to a teen flick .  Where I sometimes eat popcorn and milkduds at the same time so it tastes like caramel corn.

This makes me a little dorky.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I make up words and not very good ones.  Hello, champagney?

Yup, I do that. I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I am not close to a size 4 or 6 and that is one of my biggest personal battles that can steal my confidence away if I am not careful.  Although I am working hard on it,  it is a daily struggle.  I refuse to let it define me.

I know people assume things about me that hurt.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

When I am passionate about something (such as love and healthy relationships) I swear like a sailor.  My mother is not proud and I am pretty sure that my grandmother is turning over in her grave every time I drop the f-bomb.  Which is a lot.

Some people are offended by it. I am not for everyone and that is ok.

For better or for worse, I am doing everything in my power to not officially grow up.  I think it is highly over-rated. I tend to lean towards a more playful existence.  That is not to say that I am not evolving, learning and growing every day.  I just am not interested in buying a house or settling down in the way that many people are.  Plus, I just refuse to take life so seriously.

Some people think that is immature.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I love what I do.  I want to do it forever.  Some people think it is a fucking joke and have no problem telling me or making passive aggressive comments on facebook or my blog about it.  That feels like shit.

Some people don’t get it or even try.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I am goofy and seven layers of ridiculous on a daily basis.  I break out into song in public sometimes, have been known to play Marco Polo in a store and am inappropriate pretty regularly.

Sometimes people think I am embarrassing.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I mostly listen to a lot of eclectic indie music but sometimes I listen to not-so-good Top 40.  I have the new Justin Timberlake on repeat on my work playlist.  Wait.  I am listening to it RIGHT NOW!  Selena Gomez is next.  (Notice that they are both previous Disney TV stars!!)

Some people think that mainstream music is crap and are above it.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

Curiosity is my driver.  I can get bored easily so feel it is my responsibility to choose wisely about who I let into my life and spend time with.  I never want to hurt anyone, but I have.

This is a challenge for me and makes me look fickle.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I secretly love sci-fi and fantasy and really want to go to Comic Con.  I am currently watching past Dr. Who, as well as, numerous sci-fi shows on Netflix, like Lost Girl.  They soothe me.

My inner nerd is strong.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I am messy and not proud of this quality.  It is good when I am dating someone since it forces me to clean up regularly. I could NEVER be with someone who is OCD.  It would get bad….very quickly.  We don’t even want to talk about the amount I spill things.

Some people can’t tolerate that.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I speak at colleges and it scares the bejeezus out of me virtually every time.  I live and thrive for interaction, so speaking at people (with very little response) makes me feel like I suck.  Even when people tell me I don’t.

I am not for everyone and that is ok.

Even though I am a bit bossy in life and certainly in my job, I love when someone calls me out on my shit.  When they challenge me and make me think.  Sometimes, I hope they tell me what to do when I get overwhelmed and am not sure what to do next.

I don’t always share that though but am working on it. I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I have been known to get nervous around guys I like. I get snarky and put myself in the friendzone.  It is my default comfort zone with men and I have to fight it all of the time.

I am still learning about myself and what works for me.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

So Sugarpants, why am I telling you all of my shit?  My quirks?  My wabi sabi?

Because the best thing that my life and business has taught me is that I am not for everyone and that is ok.  Some people think I am smart, reasonably funny and refreshing.  Other people probably think I am immature or obnoxious.  I just hang out with the former rather than the latter.

Many of my clients want everyone (or almost everyone) to like them.  They bend over backwards, go out of their way trying to win this attention and affection.  I have one thing to say to that.

Stop doing that shit.  It is killing you.

There are going to be some people you connect with who will think you are amazing.  There are going to be some that just don’t.  That actually says very little about you and more about what you learned was acceptable behavior when you were growing up.  Your acceptable and their acceptable are two different things.  It just is.  So, no matter what you do or say, you are probably not going to change their mind.  You are, however, going to lose yourself and your mind in the process looking for others to deem you worthy of love.

I am telling you these not-so-adorable things about me because I am just me.  Highly flawed, but still ok.  I like me and the woman I am evolving into.  The best part is that I find the more I embrace me, the more the right people show up in my life.  Clients, friends and in love.

The sooner we can let go of people pleasing people who will never be pleased, we can embrace all of our shit and start surrounding ourselves with amazing people who like us, for us.  That is where great love shows up.  That is what we are doing here.

You are not for everyone and that is ok.

Adventure of the day:

Journal the shit out of  these questions.

*Who are you wasting your time trying to please and why?

*What are you having a hard time embracing about yourself?

*Who can you start spending more time with right now who makes you feel great?

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WHY YOU SHOULD KEEP YOUR EFFIN’ PANTIES ON

I am not your fucking Mom.  Not saying I am.  

I can make a mean tater tot casserole though.

I also know this topic is a touchy one, but that is why I am not here to always be your best friend.  I am here to change lives.  And I hope you might read this article and think hard about this.  It might apply to you and it might not.  

But here we go, Sugarpants!

You know what I love?  Fucking witty banter.  

That delicious moment when the intelligence is laced with humor and you start to feel the amazing electricity and connection.  Leading into life stopping moments of chemistry, kisses and sex.  

That shit is good and for me, the best foreplay out there.  Ever.

It has lead me into slightly naughty situations around the world and some of them were plain amazing and some of them……were not.

I am not going to delve into my personal sex life except to tell you that it isn’t all that exciting for all of the swearing and traveling might lead you to believe.  But over the years, I have been looking around and hate to say that things have gotten a little fucked up.

Between new communications styles (texting, facebook) and a confusing mindset, something has happened along the way.  We have let go of any kind of semblance of dating and even romance.  Holding onto our hearts like a mofo so that we wouldn’t get hurt, we walk along a little blindly hoping love will find us.  Making shit choices, putting ourselves in bad situations and then walking away with our feelings hurt.  Wondering if we should even try again.

I am here to tell you, you should.  But it is time to stop calling guys “douchebags” and “players” for taking advantage of situations that YOU put yourself in.   I am clearly not talking about any form of sexual assault here.  I am talking about “wishy-washy, too scared to talk about sex so you end up feeling hurt and used at the end” here.

You know what I am talking about.

Not asking for what you want and need and not setting up the boundaries to have it go anywhere.  Pretending you are OK with “the hook-up” when you are really hoping that it will turn into a relationship.

Not taking it slow enough to see what is really happening.

C’mon, ladies….we all know you do that and it is not getting you anywhere.

So next time, after you have had a few drinks and awesome witty banter, here are a few things to think about….

Three Reasons to Keep Your Panties On, Ladies.

1.  Keeps you off the crazy train: 

Has this happened to you?

You like a guy.  It would seem he likes you by the flirting, dates and hook up that has happened a few times now.  You are nothing less than pee-your-pants excited.  This is clearly heading towards love, right?  Then you start looking around and something isn’t quite kosher.  Isn’t he supposed to be texting more or calling?  Shouldn’t we be making plans?  Who the hell is that woman all over his facebook wall?  WTF????

When we rush into things with a guy we start to assume it is going somewhere, when lots of times it just…..isn’t.  But since you kind of jumped in you didn’t really talk about it and it leaves you confused and feeling like shit.  I am not going to give you the “you are a precious flower” speech, but if you are giving it away for free without even talking about it, you are going to end up in this place more than once.  Holding the phone, sad and waiting for the crazy train to come into the station.

Simple rule to follow:  If you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex and if they are having it with multiple partners, you should probably wait.

2.  You can keep your eyes open:  OMG!!!!  He is PERFECT! You can’t believe how much you have in common.  That he listens to the same music as you, you have wicked chemistry AND he loves weiner dogs!  Why wouldn’t you be gettin it on with this guy?  I mean, he is probably going to be the father of your children.

Then at some point you wake up 3-6 months later and realize he wasn’t quite the dream guy you thought he was.  In fact, you have some big stuff that you don’t agree on, he doesn’t really know how to talk about his feelings and man, how did you NOT see those annoying habits before?

When we are jumping in physically, we create a connection that really isn’t there.  Our bodies are telling us to “go for it” so loudly that we ignore the important stuff that really makes relationships good.  It’s all chemicals and it is not your fault, but you are going to keep waking up realizing that once again you are back at the place of unhappy and have no idea how you got there.

Yup.  Stop doing that.

3. Wooing is the shit:  I will say this once and I will say it again.  WHERE THE FUCK DID HOLDING HANDS GO???  We have somehow bypassed some of the best parts of getting to know someone and the whole deliciousness of the excitement of possibility.  I remember my first boyfriend holding my hand and my stomach would be full of pterodactyls.  Butterflies my ass.  In the beginning every kiss was magical and building towards something beautiful.  Of course, first loves are special, but I think part of why it is so special is because you are discovering love together.  I don’t think that has to be just for first loves though.  You can discover love with every relationship you have.

However, we don’t ask for it anymore.  We don’t say “call me” or “ask me out.”  We hope that by kissing them from the beginning, something beautiful will just “happen.”  However, I have never heard any respectable guy say I am dumping her if we aren’t sleeping together right away.  In fact, people tend to give more respect to people who ask for it.

If you are out there trying to create a relationship you have to be able to know what you need and how to ask for it.  If you can’t even do that with sex, how are you going to speak up when you need other things in the relationship?  Like love, appreciation, respect and support?

So go ahead.  Keep those panties on and fucking ask for what you need.  You may be surprised about what you get.

-Kira

PODCAST: CAN MEN AND WOMEN BE FRIENDS?

Can men and women be friends?

It is one more in the Kira Chronicles where I am sharing my own mistakes and heartaches for your learnin’.  You’re welcome.

Listen up as I talk today about my own personal story of thinking I knew what love was and being absolutely and completely wrong.

[powerpress]

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

Today’s transcript are right here.

, , ,

THREE SIGNS YOU ARE NOT READY FOR LOVE

Let’s take a moment and just admit that lots of people don’t really know what the fuck they are doing when it comes to love.

It doesn’t matter how many times you complain to anyone who will listen about how you are ready for love and want to date someone.  Just because you bitch about it doesn’t mean it comes true.

Otherwise, I would be living in Italy, with my hot chef boyfriend, Paolo, and this would have a lot more spelling errors because I would be wine-soaked by noon every day. 🙂

Honestly, talk is cheap.

It gets you absolutely nowhere unless you plan on actually doing something to make it happen.  And by doing, I don’t mean signing up for every dating site, going to every event until you exhaust yourself or announcing to every friend that you are single and pushing them to set you up.  That is exhausting and not worth your time if you don’t have your shit together in the first place so that if someone great shows up you even know what to do with it!

Am I right?

Here are three signs you are not ready for love.

1.  You don’t like anything.

You know what I am talking about.

You are the one at the party pointing out bad outfits and talking about how you loathe the music.

At work you are always complaining about your co-workers and boss.

Your last five dates were “atrocious!”

A few people out there may think your snark and dark side is funny but you and I know the truth, Sugarpants.

Your self esteem is struggling and when you point out everyone else’s failings you think people won’t notice yours. You might be able to keep that disguise around work or even some friends, but love is not going to fall for it.

Here is the hard truth.  When you are like that, the translation to other people is, “what does she actually think about me?” A new wonderful date after laughing a few times is going to start wondering what things you are going to nit pick about them.  And ultimately, anyone who is healthy is not falling for your act.

When you like yourself it shows through the way you move in this world.  In the way you are kind, accepting of others, understanding that everyone is fighting their own battle, realizing that the best thing about life is that everyone is different.  That doesn’t mean you don’t get to have a little snark, it just means it isn’t constantly focused at others.

Because honestly,  you just look like an asshole.  Nobody wants to date an asshole.

2.  You are uncomfortable with someone liking you

You meet someone.

They are awesome, until…..they start to like you.

Oh fuck.

They are doing everything that they are supposed to be doing and it feels super duper uncomfortable.  You start looking for excuses to get out of it.  You start to look for stupid things that don’t really matter to talk you out of it.

They are being too pushy.  Too clingy.  Too nice.  

You and I both know this is bullshit, so let’s stop pretending that it isn’t.

Here is the hard truth:  If you do not like yourself very much, when someone starts to like you it doesn’t make sense.  It doesn’t compute in your brain.  You learned that love looks a certain way (maybe not a healthy one) and it isn’t matching up in your head.

This is where you have to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

If good people liking you makes you feel uncomfortable and you sabotage it, you need to step up and take care of that shit because that isn’t magically going to go away.  You are just going to keep dating people who are comfortable and probably unhealthy.

No one’s goal is “Let’s have a mediocre, unhealthy relationship that is really hard and makes me feel like shit most days!”  No one.

3.  You have zero idea what you need

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Sorry I needed to get that off my chest, because you are killing me, Smalls.

I can guarantee what you are looking for is what I call an “evolved relationship.”  Something much more than your parents or grandparents, fed to us by media and an overall drive towards self awareness.  I am no way saying these are bad things, but to have a relationship like this you need to KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU NEED!!

Not want.  

Here is the hard truth:   Throw away the three page list about the qualities of your soulmate.  That shit is degrading to the future person that is choosing to love you, show up every day and be great for you.

Instead, work on what you need.  To feel good.  Thrive.  Learn how to be your best self.  Learn new perspectives.  Love in a huge way.

Recently I was quoted this:

“Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, It’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.”  – Dream for an Insomniac

To some, this is the beginning of love.  The “I want to know everything about you, have sex all of the time and consume you” phase.  That phase, called obsessive love and that so many are striving to have, actually has to evolve or the relationship will slowly fade.  But when you know what you need, can communicate it and work with the other person you can grow it into that mad, passionate, extraordinary love that happens in a beautiful, healthy relationship.

We change lives just because we are loved.

This kind of love does not come from fairy dust nor does it just happen to lucky people.  It comes from doing smart but rewarding self-work up front so you can create that kind of love and relationship.

So I ask you, are you ready?  Love is waiting for you to catch up.

This is EXACTLY what we do in the Owner’s Manual!  Check it out if this year you want to become ready for love…

-Kira

 

PODCAST: ARE YOU WAY TOO INTIMIDATING FOR LOVE?

Sometimes we like to pretend, don’t we?

Pretend that we have all of our shit together and have everything all figured out.  You and I both know that is bullshit, right?

Listen up as I talk today about my own personal story of being too awesome and it biting me in the ass.

[powerpress]

 

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

Today’s transcript are right here.

,

STOP COMPLICATING LOVE

I think it was the genius singer-songwriter Avril Lavigne who brought up the ever important question…“Why did you have to go and make things so complicated?”

Fuck, do we complicate things.

Love, honestly, is just not that hard.  It is what we do when we start to get a whiff of it that complicates the shit out of it.

We add feelings where they don’t exist because we are lonely.

We think we are in love when we don’t have a clue yet of all of their good and not so good stuff.  That whole package that helps us figure out if we can create a relationship with this person or not.

We don’t listen to our needs and have sex way too soon in a relationship which complicates the fuck out of things.

We put up a wall, get clingy, project our crap ….the list goes on and on.

At the end of the day we are all just trying to connect. Build. Share. Learn. Love. 

That’s it. It is a human need and the best one out there, but we  screw ourselves when we try to fit that damn square peg in the round hole.

Let me give you an example.

I have actually had numerous ladies that have told me a story that ends with “well he says he’s just not interested in dating right now…what do you think that means?” Hmmmm…..What do I think that means?!?

Well, as someone who has started to speak fluent manspeak, I will translate it for you. It means “he isn’t interested in dating right now.” Yup, that’s it.

But ladies will sit with their friends for hours over wine and deliberate the whole entire dating situation to decipher this “cryptic message.” They turn into the modern day Nancy Drew looking for clues into what happened!

Here are some of the answers I have heard.

“He got scared of getting too close.”

“He was intimidated by your (smarts, looks, career, sense of humor, etc.)

“He must not be over his ex.”

“He likes you TOO much.”

Here is the the real truth because I like you so much, Buttercup. 

I wasn’t in those relationships so I have absolutely NO idea what happened. But here is what I do know. He isn’t interested. That’s it.  That is all you need to know.

Somehow all of the stuff that brought him and you to that point just isn’t the right match for him. It isn’t personal. Most likely it has nothing to do with you, it just isn’t right.

However, when we are liking someone new and things all of a sudden are not going as planned, there is a question you need to ask.  You don’t need to gather the ladies and wine, this one is only for you.

Am I ok with this?  Is this behavior that is happening ok with me?

If not you have two options.

To talk to them in a kind and honest way. 

or

Move the fuck on.

Why take up your time (and most likely everyone else you know) trying to decipher some cryptic code that isn’t really so cryptic.

Why let these behaviors kick you in the insecurity and have you question your worth?

Why drop emotions on something that just is?   Creating drama that doesn’t actually exist?

Why get sucked in to some unrealistic expectations with someone you barely know?

When really you have all the pieces to the puzzle or at least the skills to solve it all by your pretty little self.

They are either interested in getting to know you (even your needs that feel uncomfortable sometimes) or they are not. So what?  I bet someone is.

Is it really that complicated?

Your weekly challenge:

Work on uncomplicating things. Let go of the feeling that it is all about you, your expectations and just have fun with it. Get to know someone for the pure pleasure of understanding another person and their differences. Collect stories.  Build a connection with the intention of sharing, instead of trying to manipulate it and figure what will happen in the future.  It probably won’t happen that way anyhow. Give a hug…because you can.

Once you start to uncomplicate, you can just enjoy the journey and create a kick-ass relationship in the process.  Isn’t that the point?