Posts

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CAN WE JUST GIVE EACH OTHER A BREAK ALREADY?

Blargh!

I am not sure if that is a real word or not, but it is how I feel.

It is how I feel every time I hear, see or read another “dating horror story.”

“GASP! He did this! She did that! Can you believe it?”  

Look at how superior we are laughing at some poor, lonely person just putting themselves out there to find love. Aching for a little companionship.  Hoping to trust someone. Wanting to believe in the good of people. Trying to find someone who likes and loves them for who they are. Even if it is flawed, imperfect, odd, or quirky .

We have all had different experiences. Different life lessons and teachers. Not everyone grew up with amazing parents who knew what they were doing and showed us how to create a beautiful relationship. Or even how to just act on a date.  If you did, YAY FOR YOU!  Go buy your parents a huge gift because they saved you lots on therapy.  Seriously, call them right now, thank them and tell them you love them.  For God’s sake they brought you into this world!!!!

After you do that, let’s all remember one thing.

Nobody actually knows what they are doing when it comes to love and we are all just doing the best that we can.

Listen hard there.

We are doing the best that we can.

People are all crazy, stupid scared of rejection and being vulnerable.  They suit up every time they go out (in public, let alone a date) just to not get hurt again and again.  They get super nervous and say awkward things.  They say too much or too little.  They come off as braggy because they overcompensate so they don’t sound like losers.  Lots of times they are just not that great at portraying who they really are in that first date because they too are scared of getting hurt or rejected.  None of that has ANYTHING to do with knowing if they are capable of creating a great relationship with you.

Great at listening to a place where you feel heard.  Being able to support you through ALL times.   Appreciating you even when you are less then stellar.  Solving problems with you so you don’t have the same issues over and over like so many couples do.  Giving and receiving love so openly that all it takes is a smile to make you know you are loved.  That, my friends, is the kick-ass awesomeness we are looking for and can not be detected in a first date.

So, for those of you who feel the need to pour the wine and bitch to your friends every time you think you have met another loser/douchebag/nice guy you are just not attracted to, here is a thought.  If you don’t think that someone who has taken an hour out of their life to meet you and see if there might be some connection is “worth your time” because they are not what you expected or have enough checks for your ridiculous checklist, then you are doing this wrong.  Please explain to me why your time so much more important than theirs.  Your love more important.  Your ideas so much more creative.  Your stories so much better.  Why do you think your life is so much better than theirs that you need to make fun of them just because they are not your thing.

Plus, I am so glad that you can tell if someone is your “soulmate” in 30 minutes or less.  When you are done being Miracle Max could you cure cancer and invent flying cars already?  I am sick of driving.

Your reminder for the day: Everyone has something to teach you and even if you have dug in a little and are seeing some differences that aren’t going to work, everyone has a story you can learn from.  The moment you embrace that, this dating thing is going to get a whole lot better.  You might even be amazed what you find out.

Last thought, would you want to date someone who you found out had made fun of their last five dates?  Is that a quality you are looking for?

Are you being the person you want to date?

 

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WHY YOU ARE NOT DATING GREAT GUYS

It took me a long time…..

but there was finally a time after the therapy/coaching and hitting my head against the wall so many times I thought I had a permanent concussion from dating unavailable men, that something shifted in me.

One day, I woke up and didn’t want that shit anymore and I had to have a tough moment where I needed to fess up to myself that it was ME choosing them.  Again and again.

I was the one buying the ticket to the crazy train and that shit was on me.

After some pretty solid self work, I dated a great guy.  Before we start the applause and cheers, let me admit something to you…..it wasn’t fucking easy.

Things would be going well and then I would freak out.  For the weirdest reasons that weren’t even real reasons.

I would come up with excuses of why it would never work.

Talk myself out of it.

Push him away.

Quietly sabotage it because after years and years of shouting “where are all the good ones??” I actually had no idea what to do with one when he showed up.

It felt weird and super duper uncomfortable.  “This person likes me??  Don’t they know how ridiculous I am?  What happens when they see all of the crazy hanging out???  This could get really messy.”

I was talking myself out of it before any of the really good stuff could even happen.

At that point, I had to have the hard conversation with myself about why it felt wrong when someone kept giving me everything right?  

When he kept caring about me and then asked me to trust him.  You can read about that here.

Doing all of the things that I had actually been talking about for all of those years.

What the fuck was wrong with me???

So here is what I figured out during that time and I want to share some of my growing pains with you.  You’re welcome.

If we do not like ourselves very much, question our worth and if we are truly capable of having a healthy relationship, when someone starts to like you it just doesn’t make sense.

It doesn’t compute in our subconscious brain.

We learned when we were young that love looks a certain way (probably not a healthy one) and it just doesn’t match up in your head.

So instead of feeling good when someone kind likes us and treats us well, we have learned to know and accept half-ass, unavailable or partial love because that is what we know.  That is what feels comfortable to us.

That is what has become your kind of love and by the way, that is shit.

These are the moments, Sugarpants, where you have to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Having a hard time knowing if you do this?  Here are some tell-tale signs.

You will say that someone who likes you is “too nice.”

Even though they are doing what you know is appropriate, you will feel like it is clingy or too much.  “Why is he all up in my grill?  Why is he asking me so many questions? Why does he want to know so much about me?  Does he have an ulterior motive?”

Even though you initially thought they were cute, you now don’t find them attractive because what they are doing feels weird to you.  “Hmmm, are they really that cute?  I should ask my friends.”

They are too supportive!  (I am just shaking my head on that one, ladies.)

You may even think that they seem weak because they are making themselves vulnerable and available to you.  “Doesn’t he have anything better to do than ask me about my day?”

But this is some fucked up kind of bullshit we have bought into.

That a kind, healthy person who can give and receive love is too needy.  Yes, let’s throw away the guys that show up regularly, ask us questions and listen to the answers and have the ability to create something great with us.  Let’s do that.

Instead, we spend our days chasing the  unavailable guys because we are going to love him until he loves himself! Even if it takes fucking years!!!  We are in this to win this no matter how shitty it makes us feel!   Then we will have earned their love and they will never, ever go away!

Good luck with that.  Tell me how that shit goes for you.

The lesson:  if good people liking you makes you feel uncomfortable and you sabotage it, you need to step up and take care of that shit because that isn’t magically going to go away.  You are just going to keep dating people who are comfortable and most likely unhealthy.

What did I do?  I did something I never did before.  I told him my fears.

I shared what I was worried about.

I let him in on what I was freaking out about and why and more importantly what he should do when that happened to help me work through it.

I gave him the owner’s manual to my heart.  

So he could succeed and we could create something together.

I stopped struggling with myself and gave into the love.  I went all in.

Because love has to go both ways and for all those years I had learned how to give but forgot to learn how to receive.

It changed my life.

Ready to change your life?  Get in the Owner’s Manual!

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LOSING CONTROL IN THE NAME OF LOVE

I tend to write these posts mostly about my past debacles in dating and relationships.  Stories that I have reflected on, owned up to and want to share so you can hopefully check yourself before you make the same mistakes that I have made. You’re welcome, Sugarpants.

However, today is different.  I am standing outside myself, watching, learning and a little surprised.  Surprised how many things are coming from a really good, healthy place in the new possibility.

I am also aware how I like to mildly sabotage myself when I am not paying attention.

So there is that….

As I am processing all that is happening to me, I wanted to get it out of my head and share it with you.  Share what I am feeling.  What I am scared of.  Talk this shit out.

This weekend I was out for breakfast with my good friend, Life Coach/Therapist Mary Kay.  Everyone should have a Mary Kay.  She listens hard, calls me out on my shit and I always walk away feeling clearer and better.

I like to think I am my clients’ Mary Kay.

So we are having this tough conversation about a new possibility that I have been checking out and I am making sure that it is all making sense.  Sounding healthy.  That I am actually doing the shit that I preach.

And as we were digging into the deep, I all of a sudden started to question myself and then without noticing, “the crazy” went wild.  I started thinking of all of the ways that this could end badly.

What if I freak out and push him away?

What if I am disappointing in bed?

What if I get scared and bolt like I have before?

What if he just ends up not liking me once he sees how real I am.

What if I just fucking blow this?

Mary Kay listened quietly, as she always does and looked at me kindly. She then looked me in the eye and said, “Kira, you really like this guy.  You have forgotten how scary it is being that vulnerable.  But you can’t keep looking for reasons that this is going to fail.  You know that and I know that.  You are coming up with reasons so you can take back control.”

Wait!  WHAT?????

She explained to me that she saw this working with juvenile delinquents.  That being so uncomfortable in the space of not knowing how the courts were going to rule (probation, leave their home, an institution, jail, etc) they would act out and commit another crime just so they knew what to expect.

Shit just got real.

Although this isn’t mind-blowing, I have never thought about it like this.  But as I started to move through my head I knew that when things get scary and I am unsure of the outcome, I check out.  I never really realized it was because I wanted the ball back in my court.  I wanted to take control of the situation that felt out of control.

That I would rather end it than be in the unknown.  I am not so good with the unknown.

But that is total crap because as one of my favorite authors says, “To Love is to Lose Control.”

Because love and relationships are going to feel uncomfortable.  They are not always going to feel good.  There are going to be bumps, miscommunications and not awesome moments.  Your past will show up to haunt you and your fears will get the better of you some days.  There are not always going to be rainbows and unicorns.  You are going to have to be vulnerable and give up control for it to work.

However, great love and creating a beautiful relationship is worth it.

So close your eyes and get ready to jump into the awesome.

Let’s get uncomfortable together, shall we?

PODCAST: I AM NOT HAPPY, BUT I LOVE HIM

Sometimes we blame lots of the bad stuff on love.

True story.

We allow shitty behavior to happen and call it love although it has NOTHING to do with it.

Listen up as I talk today about why that isn’t love and what you can do about it.

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Your Adventure for Today:

WHEN YOU ARE IN THAT “SICK TO YOUR STOMACH” UNHAPPY FEELING (IN ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP), I WANT YOU TO ASK YOURSELF IF YOU ARE STICKING AROUND BECAUSE OF LOVE OR FEAR AND WHAT YOU CAN DO TO START CHANGING THAT.

Don’t forget about putting that $250 to the best thing possible…THE RETREAT IN COSTA RICA!    It is going to be nothing less than amazing.

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

Today’s transcript are right here.

 

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MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS. GET OVER IT.

I am going to keep this short and sweet today.  Ok, maybe not that sweet.

If you want a psychic, go hire one.

If you want an awesome relationship, you effin’ create one.

You create a relationship by letting people in on what is going on in our heads.  By letting them in on the weird and wacky world that exists in there.  You know it is.

I have seen this trend lately where we believe someone “gets” us or loves us more if they can figure out what we are thinking at all times.  That proves that they love us.

WTF????

Who told you that shit?  If you know who did, take away their wine for a week and send them to bed without their supper!

People do not show their love by randomly guessing correctly what is going on in that very, very complicated place we call our brain, they show love by asking questions, listening, supporting and learning.  

I don’t know about you but I can be thinking about Kevin Bacon one second and the kitten video I watched that morning the next.  I mean literally the next second.  It all connected in my head, but why would I expect anyone else to keep up?

When we make them guess or put these wackadoo expectations on them, it is not them who sucks by not knowing what is going through your head (I mean be honest, you can barely keep up yourself some days.) It is you for making them guess.  Playing games.  Punishing them when they don’t know.  Making them feel like a lesser person in the relationship because that can’t read your mind. That is just setting them up for failure and why would you want the most important person in your life to fail? How is that creating an incredible relationship?

Amazing and healthy relationships happen when both people get to win on a regular basis.

When both people get to feel great.  Every move you make, every breath you take should be working towards asking questions, really listening to answers and understanding each other.  See what I did there?  I love Sting…….

So that is why when someone asks you “what’s wrong?”   Tell them.

If you are interested, let them know.  Sometimes they may need you to NOT be subtle:)

If you are having a bad day, explain it to them.  Then they can know it is not about them.

If you have expectations about something, share them.  That is how they can actually reach them or help figure out what can work for both of you.

At the end of the day, you just want to let them in.  No matter how scary it is.  You may be shocked at how amazing they can be….once you let them.

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WANT LOVE? GIVE YOURSELF A FUCKING BREAK!

{I am a swearbear.  Get over it.}

Hey There Dandelion:)  Come over here for a nice big hug, because today is going to sting a little.  But it is all for the good of the cause….love.

It is inevitable.

There is always going to be a point when I am working with my clients that they get down right frustrated.  Pissed off. Angry at me, themselves and the Love Gods.

“But Kira, I am doing everything right!!!  I am trying so hard!  Why isn’t this working?  Why haven’t I found love?  Why am I still single?  What is wrong with meeeeeeeeeee??????”

Want to know what is wrong with you?  That.  That right there is what is wrong with you.

Here is my super simple, life-changing genius for you.

CHILL THE FUCK OUT!

Want to find love?  Stop spending your days stressed out and over-thinking it.  Stop questioning everything about yourself.  Nitpicking.  Overanalyzing.  Freaking the fuck out.

There is nothing that is going to make you feel worse, and make piss-poor dating choices, than this behavior.

Ever hear the saying, “Love will show up when you stop looking for it?”  Here is what that ACTUALLY means.

When you stop giving such a fuck, start having fun, living the life you want, being a little selfish, doing the shit you love to do….you become irre-fucking-sistible to the rest of the world.

That inner-happiness and confidence is hot!  People want to make out with that shit.  That is where love starts!

The amazing people you want to date want to be around confident people who like themselves and who they don’t have to fix.  Not unhappy, secretly hates who they are and questions their whole existence people. Nobody really wants that shit.  That shit is exhausting.

Nobody healthy wants to take on your neuroses and honestly, nobody should have to.

Here is where to start.

Get the fuck over yourself.  

Let’s get one thing straight.  You are important.  You DO have the power to change the world.  It is just not going to happen with you being weirdly obsessed with stupid stuff that doesn’t matter and then berating yourself for it.  Stuck in your head, over thinking?  Go volunteer somewhere where people are struggling to eat or live.  See how much your shit matters then.  Get some fucking perspective.

Fix your shit.  

If you are holding on to something from your past that is in the way of you creating a great relationship, fix it.  Reach out for help.  That is why there are kick-ass therapists and life coaches.  You don’t have to do anything alone.

If you are embarrassed about asking for help, then check yourself.  You are going to need to ask for help over and over in your relationship.  That is part of the gig.  Anyone healthy I know would rather date someone who knows how to ask for help and fix their shit, than someone who sits there wallowing in their unhappiness.

Yeah, that screams date me, I am awesome in relationships.

Remove “should” from your vocabulary.  

Besides remaining reasonably clean and respectful to others, there are not a lot of things you really “should” or “have to” do.  Stop beating yourself up over your checklists, scale, job, etc.  We are a work in progress.  Where you are right now is what you were hoping to be at one point.  Embrace that shit.

Super Bonus:  You will also find that when you start living like this, you have more time, energy and awesomeness to give back to others and you will change the world.  Oh, and get kick-ass dates.

That was the whole point, right?

PODCAST: HOW TO NOT BE TOO NICE AND END UP IN THE FRIEND ZONE

Is it really possible to be too nice?  

This one is for the guys (and good for the ladies too.)  I am bringing the smackdown on the what is actually “too nice”, what it is really about and ways to avoid it.

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Guys!  Do you Need help? Umm….I am a life coach, remember? Let’s set-up that free discovery session already!

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

Transcripts of the show’s topic is here.

 

PODCAST: START FROM THE ENDING

Occasionally, life hits us over the head with an idea over and over again until we figure it out.

That is what this podcast was for me.

Listen in on how this mind-blowing idea will change the way you date.  I am serious….it is that good.

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YOUR ADVENTURE OF THE DAY:

What could you begin doing differently when meeting new people to start things the way you want them to end?

BONUS: I am going to share a song by one of my favorite artists from college, David Wilcox. I woke up with this song in my head and it was the smack that I needed to get this idea out to you. He talks a little in the beginning about how bad his first date went with his wife and how it’s badness created the wonderful relationship they have now. I don’t necessarily suggest this kind of honesty for a first date, but I do believe being who you are, in all of your imperfect awesomeness, is always the best answer.

 

 

 

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

Transcripts of the show’s topic is here.

 

-Kira

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HOW I LEARNED TO DATE BETTER FROM WORKING ON A CRUISE SHIP

There was quite a bit of time in my life that I was Julie McCoy from The Love Boat, (minus the perfectly feathered hair).  I used to try so hard but I could never get my hair to do that.

Right after college, I was going through some yuck.  I was living with my parents and I just wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life. After a chance meeting at a party, a brother of a friend told me that he worked on a cruise ship running kids programs and he could get me a fax number if I was interested.  Yes, this was before email.

I sat there with that fax number in my hands for weeks.

I was excited by the prospect.

I was curious about the possibilities.

I was freaked out by the complete unknown.

Could a girl from a small town in Wisconsin, who had only seen a cruise ship on TV actually go work on one?  Would I get seasick all the time?  I mean I didn’t do so great in the backseats of cars, how could I walk, let alone work on a constantly moving vessel.  Plus, the “balance issues” I have had my whole life that has left me on my ass in more places than I can count.

After about two months of hemming and hawing I finally sent in my resume having zero confidence that I would ever get a call back.

Well, I did and in less than two weeks I was on an airplane to one of the most fun and life-changing adventures of my life.  The beginning was not easy and there was many, MANY times I lost my footing or made a complete idiot out of myself, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Working on a cruise ship is like nothing else on earth.  Making decent money, traveling for free and living a pretty glamorous life is highly addicting.  It seems like the dream job that everyone thinks it is.  However, it is also completely weird.  Your needs are always set aside for the passengers, you have wackadoo rules because you are on actually living on a naval vessel and OH the drama!  Nothing creates more drama than a bunch of 20-somethings from around the world, who work and live together and are also consistently drunk and sleeping with each other.  We made Jersey Shore look like whiney babies with bad hair.  (And THIS was the 90s!  Where bad hair was born!)

Besides making out with (mostly) great guys from around the world, I realized a few years ago when I started coaching singles that during the five years I worked on ships I learned a lot of great skills that have served me well in the dating world.  They have become some of backbone of what I do with my clients.  I shit you not.  Who would’ve thunk it?

Just for you.  Four things I learned from working on a cruise ship that have made me a better dater.

1.  Socializing

There was many times in my years on ships that “socializing” was part of my job.  That meant for a full hour I would plaster on a pageant-worthy smile and walk around the ship talking to strangers.  Most of the time in a formal dress and heels.  The first couple of times I wondered who I had pissed off to have to reach this level of hell.  I had never been shy, but walking up to strangers who aren’t necessarily wanting to talk to you, was mind-blowingly scary.

The first couple of times I had butterflies the whole time and felt slightly nauseated.  But after a glass of champagne and some practice, it just wasn’t that hard.  I realized with a couple of quality questions in my pocket and the ability to listen that people didn’t mind me coming up and talking to them.  In fact, most of them liked it!

The best part was, once I got out of my head about it, I heard the most wonderful stories from people around the world. They had been through wars, epic romances and every great story ever told.  This was the beginning of my story collecting and I have been doing it ever since.

Why this is great for dating:  Though I loathed it with every fiber of my being at the beginning, developing this skill has served me in so many ways.  It took out the fear of talking to anyone, no matter the circumstances.  Whether it is in an airport, a martini bar or first date, I just sit back, collect stories and listen.  Deciding later whether or not I want to go out on another date.  It allows me to be present in the moment and let go of the expectations that make us nervous and a little weird anyways:)

2.  You can do this

I remember walking around Puerto Rico.  One of the first ports I got off at.  I didn’t really have any friends yet and I needed to get to Walgreens to buy stuff that I didn’t bring with me.  I had gotten some really questionable directions from a fellow crew member and just started walking the streets of Old San Juan to find it.  I very quickly got lost and was winding through the streets knowing zero Spanish.  I remember holding my bag tightly; almost wanting to cry and thinking over and over in my head “You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.”

I did finally find Walgreens and my way back to the ship, but what I really took away from that day and many other just like it, was the confidence that I could put myself in scary situations and safely get through it.

How this is great for dating:  I don’t care how outgoing I am, sometimes I don’t feel like going to a party, event or meeting new people.  Depending on the circumstance I can even get nervous.  I have walked into many new places and events with a “you can do this” chant on replay in my head.

You know what?  I can.  So can you.

3.  Smile and Hello

In the wacky world of working on ships we could actually be “written up” for poor workmanship or naughty behavior.  This scary notion kept us mostly inline and where we were supposed to be passed curfew.

Yes, we were adults with a curfew.  Dream job, right?

One of the things that was crammed down our throats we learned was that no matter where we were, we smiled and said hello to guests.  Walking down the hallways or even washing our hands in the bathroom, we were expected to look at the person, put on a smile and say hello.  Good days or bad.  Hangover or not.  When you were in passenger area that was not an option.

Sounds a little Stepford Wives, right?

How this is great for dating:  I don’t care where I am, walking down the street or in line for coffee, even years later, I still instinctually smile and say hello.  Sometimes people are caught off guard (because we have stopped doing this!?), but it has struck up some of the best conversations, made people smile and just overall helped me feel more connected to people.  Something that can feel missing in this technology filled world.

Ever feel like you want a super easy way to be more approachable or just meet people?  Put down that phone, smile and say hello.  It is the number one easiest thing you can do TODAY to change your dating life.  Seriously.

4.  This too shall pass

There was a not-so-awesome moment on ships where I found myself pretty tipsy, in a floor length formal, being shouted at by a guy I had been making out with, in our officers bar.  Honestly,  young Kira made many shitty decisions and I am grown up enough to admit pretty much deserved it.  It was very upsetting at the time and when I ran to my cabin crying and a bit heartbroken, I swore I was done with men for good.

I felt just like Jack in Brokeback Mountain:  “I wish I knew how to quit you!”

If I had a quarter for every time I said I was done with men in my 20s and early 30s we would all be going on vacation!  Santorini, anyone?

As I mentioned before, the drama ran deep on ships and I put myself in the middle of it many, many times.  Each time, feeling devastated and not sure how I was going to get through it.  This time, my life was surely going to end.

But it didn’t.

I always made it through.  A little battered, but stronger (and we only hope smarter), from the experience.

How this is great for dating:  There have been times where I thought I was done.  At the end.  So heartbroken I couldn’t go on.  The thought of trying again made me want to puke.  However, I made it through.

We can get into the mindset that  there is only one person for us and if it doesn’t work out there are no other options.  There are always options and when you give yourself some time to heal, you can start seeing the options open up in front of you.

No one can make us or break us.  

 

 Kira

 

PODCAST: I ADMIT IT, I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO FAKE IT

Seriously, it might be a problem.

No you dirty birdies, I am not talking about orgasms!  Get your head out of the gutter.  What would your mother think?!

I am talking about how I get up every day and fake most parts of my life.  Definitely this business, but plenty of other stuff too.

Listen in on how and why I fake it every day and how it can work for you too.  Especially when it comes to love.  I am serious!

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YOUR ADVENTURE OF THE DAY:

Stop overthinking everything and start letting go of the outcome so you can just enjoy the deliciousness of the journey.  Stop looking for things to “fit” into your idea of perfect and the way they are supposed to look.  Look at how you can change your perspective to see everything as a success instead of a frustration.  How can you fake it until you get the hang of it?

Transcripts of the show’s topic is here.

 

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

 

-Kira

PODCAST: WTF? WHY DO GUYS DO THAT?

We all have had the moments when we are out there dating and all of a sudden are asking ourselves…

WTF?! I mean really…why do guys do that?

Listen to my latest podcast that lays down some truth bombs about what to do when we get stuck in that WTF place.

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Your Adventure of the Day:

Journal on these questions and feel free to share your answers below.

Create a list of all of the WTF’s in your life.  Whether they are with someone you are seeing, friends, family or even co-workers.  If you are not ok with it, how are you going to teach them to treat you?  What are you going to tell them you need? What can you do in return?

 

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Just remember….I can help!  I have 1 more opening for summer coaching and a sweet ass discount. Email me and we can talk it out!

 

-Kira

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I ADMIT IT, I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO FAKE IT

Yup, that’s right.  There have been many days where I have straight up, no holds barred, pulled most of it out of my ass.

For as cool as people think being a life coach for singles (or dating coach) sounds, it has been a whole bucket of hard.

I was not given a business model to follow. There were no super successful dating coaches instructing me from the wings like a pageant mom telling me when to smile or what to say when I am asked a tough question.  (I do, however, have pretty big hair.)

There have been many days that I sit in my favorite coffee shop/office nearly hyperventilating as my friend talks me off the ledge and plies me with the 3 “C’s”:  coffee, chocolate or champagne.

Since I started my business almost five years ago, I have questioned every fiber of my being and seen every fear that I knew, or didn’t know I had, show up and laugh at me. I have had months where I had to decide which bill was more important, watched my own dating life come to a complete stop more than a few times (turns out telling guys I am a dating coach is not quite the turn-on I was hoping it would be), worked 12+ hour days pretty regularly, and drank more coffee than I knew could even be consumed by a human.

So, you can probably understand how it makes me laugh really stinkin’ hard when people assume this passion and career choice has been an easy road that started with me waking up one morning and saying “I am going to be a dating coach!” with it all just falling into place. I learned very quickly to wake up most days and just “fake it until I make it.”  I would assess the day and my goals and just start working…. hoping for the best and trying not to lose my mind in the process.

So why do I do it? Why would I put myself through the daily struggle of my business when I had zero idea of what the outcome would be? Why would I forgo the steady paycheck, insurance, safety net and pretty much sanity of a normal 9-5 job?  Am I a thermos short of a Punky Brewster lunch box?

Well, maybe….but in all of this crazy hard of creating a business out of thin air, it turns out this experience has really made me a way better person.  This is part of my adventure called life and I have learned more about myself in this challenge I have taken on than I ever thought was possible.  I have taken those fears, looked them in the eye and said “bring it on, sailor.”

The best part?  I get to make other people’s lives better too.  Biggest bonus?  It turns out after all of this hard work and fakin’ it, I am actually really good at this life coaching stuff and it is starting to kick ass.

So, what is the point of me sitting here and sharing my fears, frustrations and crazies with you and what the hell does it have to do with with love?

Wait for it…

I see people coming to me all the time for answers, secrets, tips and tricks, anything to get love all figured out. They want me to get into their latest date’s mind and tell me exactly what he/she is thinking to understand why they are not calling, texting, sharing or doing things that people are “supposed” to do in a certain way or timeline.

They are hoping that if I can make some educated guesses they can fix the situation so it feels good and safe.  Thinking that if they know all the rules they can avoid the uncomfortable, the unknowing, the fear, and most of all, the heart break.

Here is the biggest secret I can share with you:

There is no secret.  There are no actual answers.  There are no real rules.  Even if you do everything “perfectly” on your part, you still may get hurt. There is no way to guarantee a certain outcome. There is no right way or perfect moments.  You are going to have to fake it like the rest of us.  And there is nothing more worth faking than the intricate and beautiful art of love.

There is only getting over any of your crap that might be holding you back, knowing yourself well enough to know what you need and being able to express that to a person who is actually able to love you back.  That is all there is.

Love, dating, and relationships are all part of our adventure. On those days when you are beating your head against the wall wondering, “Why bother?” or saying, “I give up,”  just remember why you are doing this…because ultimately we believe that real and true love makes us a better person. Love, relationships, friendships, dating all help you know yourself better and work on vital life skills like communication, self-expression, empathy and just learning how to take care of someone and letting them take care of you.  And, you know…. that love thing.

It isn’t always just about the good stuff, it is sometimes about all of the stuff in between that helps us realize how truly strong, powerful and wonderful we are.  Isn’t that why we are all here?

Adventure for the day:

Let go of the outcome and enjoy the deliciousness of the journey.  Stop looking for things to “fit” into your idea of perfect and the way they are supposed to look.  As spring finally opens up, look at how you can change your perspective to see everything as a success instead of a frustration.  How can you fake it until you get the hang of it?

Talk to me.

~Kira

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{FOR THE GUYS} HOW TO: NOT BE TOO NICE AND END UP IN THE FRIEND ZONE

OK, seriously?

Let’s get something straight right now.  Nobody is too nice!  That doesn’t exist.  That is wacky shit like people telling me he/she just listened too well.  He/she was just too kind and giving in our relationship.  The sex was just too damn good, I HAD to leave.  See how crazy train that sounds?  If you don’t, you need to call me immediately.  Like yesterday.

If you have heard that before, there is a reason but not that you were too nice.  What actually happened was somewhere, somebody didn’t have the guts to tell you the real truth.

They didn’t have the guts to tell you your over-giving personality is making you look unconfident.  That your bending over backwards, is coming off as spineless.  That because you are so overly worried about them and their happiness it is looking like you do not care about yourself. That although that is nice, it ultimately doesn’t feel balanced if you are not also concerned about yourself in the relationship.

So someone, one day said that a guy was just “too nice” and it became a thing to say.  Like “gag me with a spoon” or “whoomp there it is.”  I honestly am appalled that as a society we have just accepted this.  I have been shouting back for years, “what does that even mean?  Is someone really too nice? That doesn’t even make sense.”

Trust me, I get it.  You were being awesome.  You were being your sweet, kind self and because you really were interested and cared for this person, you thought catering to their every whim would win them over.  You thought letting them choose the dates and restaurants was being considerate.  You thought always putting them first was thoughtful.  It is!  It really is, but for as much as women think and say they want to be pampered, catered too and **worshipped, most of them don’t actually want that.  And seriously, if that is the kind of lady you are looking for, no judgment.  This is just not the site for you.

You also possibly chose someone who is battling with their own loveable issues (a lot of people do.) All of the attention, sweetness and kindness just made them feel really uncomfortable.  Because if they deep down don’t like themselves it is a disconnect in their brain of why the heck you would like them so much.  I mean, what is wrong with you if you can’t see how actually weird, sad, not put together, etc they are?  That is a whole other article and I will get on it, just hold your horses.  Geesh.

The evolution of the genders in the last 50-100 years is a huge conversation, but most of the females I know are out there figuring it all out on a day to day basis.  Where they fit into the work world.  How to be smart, look good and keep their shit all together.  How to be and look strong when they don’t actually feel that strong all of the time.  How to navigate this crazy dating world that seems to be changing by the minute.  At the end of the day, they just want someone to step up, ask them out, really plan a date and then follow through.  Most of them are actually also looking for that sweet guy.  I know that is all sounding a little scary now a days but I think if you can do it, you will feel amazing and so will she.  Just the place you want to start a relationship.  In the amazing zone.

To hopefully clear something up, I want to give you this today nice guys, who I truly love and believe in and want to rule the world.

When you first meet someone, here are some tips to help you navigate the seven layers of women’s confusing brains so you can be your amazing sweet self but out of the dreaded friend zone.

1.  As soon as you meet someone, take the lead.  That doesn’t mean be an arrogant asshole, it means start the conversation.  Ask questions about passions, travel and share your own.  Let the kindness come through by remembering things that she said and referencing them.  Collect a number and then follow up in the next day or two (3 days is unnecessary).  Not with a text, with a call. They may not answer (because they get really nervous too) but leave a nice but brief message that you would like to take them out and name a date or two as an option.  If she doesn’t get back to you, I know that sucks but please know you rocked and some incredible lady is out there wanting your awesomeness.  I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!

2.  Plan the date.  I can not stress this enough.  I will help you if you want me to.  It does not need to be expensive but just taking the time to really plan something means the world to women nowadays.  If it is going to include anything out of the ordinary (and I hope it is) remember to let them know to dress accordingly.  This alone can change relationships.

3.  Keep healthy boundaries.  As you continue to get to know each other, no matter if you are thinking (“I am crazy about this girl,” which I hope you are) keep healthy and realistic boundaries.  Start the relationship with how you want it to end, with an amazingly respectful and beautiful partnership.  Giving and receiving.  Asking for what you need while listening to her needs.  Making her feel special and allowing her to do the same for you.  That is where the really, really good stuff starts and when you start great it can only go up.

You can do this, Handsome!  You are too amazing to let something as little as niceness get in your way of great love and relationships.  Let me help!  We can even talk about sci-fi:)

 

**I swear if I see another woman over the age of 6 wear a “Diva or Princess” t-shirt I am going to “PETA that shirt up” with blue paint.   Because blue is my favorite color and I am not really into red.  If you see in the news “Diva Shirt Paint Massacre” you will know it is me.

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HOW TO LET A GUY KNOW YOU’RE INTERESTED WITHOUT MAKING AN ASS OF YOURSELF

If I have learned ONE thing along this fucking awesome journey of being a life coach for singles, it’s this —

We make meeting people and starting relationships WAY MORE COMPLICATED than it has to be.

I mean, seriously. We are all SO freakin’ scared of getting hurt that we’ve developed bullshit systems to try to safeguard our hearts. Things like lists — “well, if he doesn’t have a 401K, I’m not even considering it,” rules — “we hung out last night, I can’t call him today,” and games — “if he doesn’t answer my text in 3 minutes or less, I’m not responding to him for 10 minutes.”

Don’t give me that look. I know you and your bullshit power plays. I also know what they guarantee, because they do actually come with a guarantee.

Your lists, rules, and games guarantee that no one is ever getting close to you. No one. EVER. Then we get together with the girls, pour the wine, and start shouting “Where is MY Jake Ryan?” (Insert ugly cry face here.)

God, I LOVE Jake Ryan. But seriously, even JAKE RYAN wouldn’t have a chance because you don’t know how to talk to him. Well, lucky for YOU sugarpants, I am going to show you how it’s done.

Let’s say you meet a great guy, hit it off, and as the chat is wrapping up you’re not quite sure what to do. Do you ask him out? Do you bat your eyelashes in some kind of flirtatious morse code and hope that he “gets it?” Do you get so drunk that you grab his face and make out with him — I mean, he HAS to get that, right?

What’s a girl to do?

OH, I have an idea!!! Communicate!!!

Listen, in this wacky world of dating and mating, we all get nervous and excited. All of us. And pretty much none of us knows what the eff we’re doing. Including Mr. Great Guy you’re sorta into in this scenario. He’s even more lost than you are, and he definitely doesn’t read minds.

This is why it’s SO important that you TELL HIM that you’re interested. Rejection is hard and Mr. Great Guy might think he has ZERO chance with you. But if you let him know you kinda like him, you’ve opened the door for him to actually ask you out, make a move, or take a chance. I get that this is scary and totally outside of your comfort zone, which is why I’ve made it SUPER simple for you.

So here is the very easy way to let someone know you are interested without making an ass of yourself.

As things are closing up, you look him in the eye and slowly say “I had such an amazing time talking with you.  I would really love to do it again sometime.”  If you really want to seal the deal, you touch him lightly on the arm as you say it.  That’s it.  Really.

I realize this isn’t rocket science, but it can put your mind at rest which is a HUGE part of the beginning of dating.  No more wondering if he’ll ask you out, if he likes you, if he knows that you’re interested. When you make things clear, you save yourself from hopping on the crazy train. Because when our minds get on the crazy train… we overthink, we obsess, and we often downright sabotage a blossoming relationship without even knowing it.  I know you would never do that, right?

I realize this doesn’t nearly cover all of the awkward conversations that come along with dating, which is why I created “What To Say When You Don’t Know What the Fuck To Say.” It’s a series of done-for-you scripts that make those super tough convos super simple. So in case you’re no longer interested in Mr. Great Guy after dates 1, 2, or 3, OR if you want to make things more “official,” you’ll know just what to say.

Grab yours below.