RIGHT NOW I’M SOMEWHERE IN THE SCARED SMITTEN PHASE.
One part crazy smitten. And one part scared shitless.
Zero parts “acting cool while liking someone.”
Here’s the thing…
This thing. This new “like” – was totally unexpected. I had no idea it was coming.
Prior to this, I had done a great job shutting off my emotions as I took care of my business (and myself). Dealing with the continuing journey of my father’s illness this year had been more than enough to handle.
So when someone great showed up, obviously, the walls shot up.
And by walls, I mean: forms of doubt in my head.
Like… I am not ready for this now, right? Am I in a place where I can even create a relationship? Fuck, I don’t even feel pretty right now. I haven’t kissed anyone in months. Am I strong enough to do this?
Am I going to fuck this up?
Honest answer? I sure hope not.
Because through all of the scared and the walls and the doubts that were (and are) showing up, there is a light of hope shining through. That light, which is always refreshing, is when two people are honest and real from the beginning.
And fuck if that is not totally grand.
Is there anything more beautiful than two people willing to be themselves and ask for what they need?
Two real people showing up with all of their goods and not-so-goods.
Laying it all out there.
And just so we’re clear, that doesn’t mean it’s perfect.
In the process of being real and scared there are going to be hiccups. Moments. I have already had a couple.
But in this personal case study of me dating, I continue to learn and reconfirm important ideas. So this is your lesson of the week, Sugarpants.
It is not the “moments or hiccups” that are bound to happen in anything real that matter to me anymore. It is the after.
It is how we talk it through.
How we solve the problem.
How we respect and care about each other enough to make sure that we are moving forward and feeling good.
Because if we are really doing this thing called creating a relationship (and so far we really are) we will be solving problems again and again. It’s just part of the gig.
And as we sat there on Monday night after a “moment”, facing each other. Sitting cross-legged on the hallway floor. Holding hands. Smiling, searching and scared, something happened. We talked about our fears. Our insecurities. We kicked down a few more bricks in those walls.