I am not sure when this happened but we started thinking about love as black and white.
Which is not what love is at all. In fact, if there is one thing that could never be black and white it is dating and relationships.
But we like it to fit into this easy, pretty little package, don’t we?
“I like you. You like me! Let’s plan our super over-priced wedding and it will all work itself out. Yay!”
But here is the truth, once you are over the age of 30 or 35 it is pretty much all going to be somewhat complicated. It just is.
There are going to be exes in the form of wives, husbands, girlfriends and boyfriends. Possibly kids. Most likely pets. Aging parents. Maybe illness. Groups of protective friends and family. Demanding jobs. Ridiculous schedules.
Life gets in the way. All making it pretty messy for starting and then creating a relationship.
When it is that complicated, it gets real easy to start making excuses. To shy away from this crazy thing called love.
To tell everyone that the people you have been meeting just “don’t fit what you are looking for.”
Complain that “all the good ones are taken.”
Shout to the world that you are “just too good and have been single for so long that you are just not going to settle!”
Do you know how much of an asshole you sound like when you say shit like that? ” Settling” for another human being is so disrespectful. That as a fellow human they are not worth your time, energy or love.
ANNOUNCEMENT! THERE ARE 100 MILLION SINGLES JUST IN AMERICA, ARE YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING TELLING ME YOU CAN’T FIND ONE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? SERIOUSLY?
Clients say this shit to me all of the time and do you know what I hear when they say those phrases?
“Kira, I am fucking scared as shit of getting hurt and I am not even willing to try. So I am going to put up walls and pretend they are actually rainbows.”
But you are NEVER settling when you create a relationship with another human. Just some work better than others.
Let’s get real here. I am not asking you to date an addict or abuser. What I am asking you to do is stop making excuses and take the time to see the whole package. Not the 1/8,000,000th that you see on a first date or second date.
Slow the fuck down and stop pretending that it is them when we secretly know it is us.
Sure, there are people who we can create better relationships with than others and there are also people who are not healthy enough at this time to be in a relationship.
Unfortunately, when you are constantly spewing the lines above, I question if you are one of them. Sorry, grasshopper.
Because when you are in a good place in your head you see that there are going to be complications and understand with all of the other parts of the package that person is still going to be worth it.
That chemistry is not always instant (and shouldn’t be). Slow burns are the best.
Divorce can actually mean, I learned a lot and know how to do it better this time.
Having kids can say, I have learned how to take on responsibility and care fully for another human being. That I understand how to set aside my own needs for others when I need to.
All of these “complications” are just life showing up.
Every battle and challenge has made them stronger and is part of their journey. Making them exactly the type of person you want as your partner-in-crime. Someone ready to really give it a go and create this love thing, together.
Love is a fucking battlefield, so do you want someone who has experiences in the trenches or a newbie who has been so scared of love that they just make up excuses. Sure, they may not have any scars, but they don’t have any idea of what they are doing either.