,

LOSING CONTROL IN THE NAME OF LOVE

I tend to write these posts mostly about my past debacles in dating and relationships.  Stories that I have reflected on, owned up to and want to share so you can hopefully check yourself before you make the same mistakes that I have made. You’re welcome, Sugarpants.

However, today is different.  I am standing outside myself, watching, learning and a little surprised.  Surprised how many things are coming from a really good, healthy place in the new possibility.

I am also aware how I like to mildly sabotage myself when I am not paying attention.

So there is that….

As I am processing all that is happening to me, I wanted to get it out of my head and share it with you.  Share what I am feeling.  What I am scared of.  Talk this shit out.

This weekend I was out for breakfast with my good friend, Life Coach/Therapist Mary Kay.  Everyone should have a Mary Kay.  She listens hard, calls me out on my shit and I always walk away feeling clearer and better.

I like to think I am my clients’ Mary Kay.

So we are having this tough conversation about a new possibility that I have been checking out and I am making sure that it is all making sense.  Sounding healthy.  That I am actually doing the shit that I preach.

And as we were digging into the deep, I all of a sudden started to question myself and then without noticing, “the crazy” went wild.  I started thinking of all of the ways that this could end badly.

What if I freak out and push him away?

What if I am disappointing in bed?

What if I get scared and bolt like I have before?

What if he just ends up not liking me once he sees how real I am.

What if I just fucking blow this?

Mary Kay listened quietly, as she always does and looked at me kindly. She then looked me in the eye and said, “Kira, you really like this guy.  You have forgotten how scary it is being that vulnerable.  But you can’t keep looking for reasons that this is going to fail.  You know that and I know that.  You are coming up with reasons so you can take back control.”

Wait!  WHAT?????

She explained to me that she saw this working with juvenile delinquents.  That being so uncomfortable in the space of not knowing how the courts were going to rule (probation, leave their home, an institution, jail, etc) they would act out and commit another crime just so they knew what to expect.

Shit just got real.

Although this isn’t mind-blowing, I have never thought about it like this.  But as I started to move through my head I knew that when things get scary and I am unsure of the outcome, I check out.  I never really realized it was because I wanted the ball back in my court.  I wanted to take control of the situation that felt out of control.

That I would rather end it than be in the unknown.  I am not so good with the unknown.

But that is total crap because as one of my favorite authors says, “To Love is to Lose Control.”

Because love and relationships are going to feel uncomfortable.  They are not always going to feel good.  There are going to be bumps, miscommunications and not awesome moments.  Your past will show up to haunt you and your fears will get the better of you some days.  There are not always going to be rainbows and unicorns.  You are going to have to be vulnerable and give up control for it to work.

However, great love and creating a beautiful relationship is worth it.

So close your eyes and get ready to jump into the awesome.

Let’s get uncomfortable together, shall we?