My sarcasm was as thick as molasses and could roll off my tongue spouting little drops of comical genius on even the most awkward situations. I felt it was my duty to give my snarky (and of course hilarious) thoughts to the world at all times.
I worked at it like a full-time job. Looking for that perfect moment where I could share my funny take on every situation to show you how brilliant I was and how much you should like me.
I was smart as a whip and I used my words to cut people down to size with my humor.
Watch the fuck out world. I was always on a roll.
And I sought out “funny” guys with my kind of sense of humor too.
A wonderful night was never complete unless I was having drunken witty banter with a cute guy where we make fun of each other and the world around us. Feeling slightly superior because look how funny and smart we are.
I would test them by putting them down and seeing if they could handle it. Seeing if they could handle me. Because I was a handful and they better just know that upfront.
And if someone didn’t like my delightful humor, it was their problem.
Duh. I was “just joking”.
They needed to lighten up and get a sense of humor.
I mean, what the fuck was wrong with them?
And the interesting thing is these guys who were into this weird, slightly masochistic banter, usually never panned out for lots of reasons:
a) how does a guy who responds to snark and put-downs actually feel about himself?
b) when I started showing my softer side underneath (which was hidden there the whole time), they didn’t know what the hell to do with it.
c) and honestly…..it is fucking exhausting. Keeping up that constant witty brilliance on both of our ends doesn’t allow us to ever really not be “on our game”.
And ultimately, all of it was a whole lot of bullshit. It was a big ole defense mechanism and it kicked my ass for many years.
That supposed humor that I was sharing was not about laughing or making myself or others happy. The ultimate reason for humor. It was about fear of being real and hiding behind a wall of sarcasm.
So then I wouldn’t have to get close to people and I could have another thing to blame when it didn’t work out. Because being kind seemed really vulnerable and that freaked me the fuck out.
Hiding behind all of that sarcasm was a tough question I didn’t want to answer.
What if the real me wasn’t that great? What if the person behind the funny-I-have-my-shit-together-awesome Kira wasn’t enough?
But it is.
Because it is all I have to give and that is enough. Once I believed that shit got a lot easier.
I love a good joke, a sense of humor is a must and laughing until I cry is a regular goal.
However, where I put my effort now is working on ripping down my own walls so no one else has to. Getting out of my own way because I know that I am capable of great love, I just have this amazing habit of stepping on my own toes.
Along the way I realized that I had much more to give than my snark. That being vulnerable is a must if I wanted a relationship that didn’t suck. That I could laugh, be funny and have a wonderful time without putting myself or others down in the process. That testing others is about my fears and pretty fucking disrespectful.
Now I look for the intelligent, kind, funny, deep dive conversations where you get to explore and learn from each other and leaves you smiling..that shit is awesome. I am all about that shit.
It is hotter than any exhausting, witty snarkfest any day and is getting you a lot closer to a healthy relationship.