You complete me? I just threw up in my mouth a little (or a lottle).
So I have been working some shit out about relationships.
Partially because I like to have really smart conversations with people, to theorize and research, to figure out why things are kind of fucked up.
Partially because I am working through stuff myself.
Because even though I can see other people’s shit, I don’t always see my own and I try to learn from my successes and mistakes. I am sometimes amazed as I stand back and watch myself make decisions, then dig deep enough to figure out why I am making them. Eventually, turning them around if they are based in fear.
BTW, it ain’t easy.
Seeing the fears that show up when we start to care about someone is like watching a bad 80s movie. It’s not good but you can’t turn away.
But, here is what I do know. So many times we are looking for the destination, however love and relationships don’t end when you find someone. That is where they begin. And if you are doing this relationship thingy right, your shit is going to show up at some point. Guar-an-teed.
In fact, it is probably showing up in how you find someone.
So in all of this researchery, I have really seen two reasons of why people have relationships.
1. To confirm who they are, or more importantly, who they want to be.
This is what that looks like.
I am loveable, right?
If someone loves me there is no way I am crazy.
If I am with someone really attractive, others will think I am special. That I am clearly cool and successful. Even if I feel like shit on the inside.
If someone chooses me, I must not completely suck. They can fix me.
If am in a relationship, that proves that I am ok. That I am worthy. That I must be pretty enough.
That there is nothing wrong with me.
2. Bring someone awesome into your life. Just to share this crazy journey and be great for each other.
Because when you like yourself enough (and have taken care of your shit) you don’t need to be completed. Fuck You Jerry Maguire!
You don’t freak the fuck out about everything they say wondering if they are trying to hurt your feelings, you just know they aren’t.
You aren’t weirdly needy or insecure when they can’t be amazing for you every day, because you are taking care of your own shit. But you feel comfortable enough to reach out for help, input or a hug when you need it.
You accept them fully for who they are, flaws and all, because you are not needing them to be perfect to make you look good. You already feel good enough to not care about that shit.
You realize that they are choosing to show up in your life every day and create a relationship with you. That, my amazing friends, is the most incredible gift we can give another person. That shit is beautiful.
See the difference there, Sugarpants?
I get that when we feel loved we feel stronger and happier but that is only when it is love that can grow into something stronger and happier. The rest is built on fear and that is not a foundation to support real love. There is nothing happy in that place.
When you are good on your own creating that amazing relationship is not the destination, it is just the next step in the kick-ass journey called life.