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HOW TO STOP DATING BAD BOYS

I admit it and I am not proud.

I like Bad Boys.

No, I am not a huge fan of tattoos.  I am pretty accident-prone, so motorcycles scare the hell out of me.  I think black leather is a bit cheesy.  Piercings?  All I can say is Ouch!

For years, I had this image in my head of what a bad boy looks like and because I never dated anyone who looked like the above description (OK, there was one tattooed guy when I was in my early 20′s) I thought I wasn’t dating bad boys.

I was wrong.

Turns out, bad boys are everywhere and they may be disguising themselves as normal guys you work with and hang out with every day.  They could be cute co-workers, guys you volunteer with, soulful musicians, accountants, passionate artists and even the adorable nerds that make you want to understand advanced math.

Wait Kira!  What is this shit?  If even the adorable nerdy guys can be bad boys, is there any hope?

Why yes, yes there is.

Kira story happening….now.

My flavor of “bad boy” was disguised as the passionate, creative, wicked smart, funny as hell, cute guys.  10 extra points if they had a good accent.

Witty banter flowed like boxed wine and I always got a little stumbly when they would go into their 10 minute soliloquy on what they were really passionate about–usually music.  They made me laugh, think and smile.  They led me through some of the most romantic and swooning moments of my life.  (Can we say Ryan Gosling anyone?)

You are probably thinking….wait!  I like that kind of  guy too.

I mean, who the fuck doesn’t?

What I am forgetting to mention (and loved to completely ignore) is that along with these fun qualities they also were brooding, narcissistic, non-confrontational, non-communicators, completely emotionally unavailable and were a little lost.

But don’t worry ladies….I thought I could save them and kept trying over and over, thinking I was the exception.  I had exactly what they needed.  More than  anyone else.  I was the one who could change them.

I would love them until they loved themselves!  (Sorry, it just doesn’t work that way.)

So, in between the rare swooning moments, they took me on the constant roller coaster ride of wondering where we stood, how they felt and what the fuck was happening. One moment we were all about each other, the next I didn’t hear from them for days.  Always left feeling sad, confused, frustrated and lonely.

I wanted to give up.  

My poor friends heard me threaten so many times.  But there was always a charming “bad boy” around the corner.

However, after awhile I realized that these “bad boys” are not actually bad. Just like women are not actually bitches (so stop saying that!).

They were truly great guys who didn’t mean to hurt me or lead me on.  They just hadn’t worked out their own shit to be able to give back what I needed.  Somewhere along the way they were not given a positive environment to share their feelings and they didn’t know what to do to be in a successful relationship.

Many of us don’t.

They also wanted to connect and feel love.  We all do.  They just weren’t in a place to do that successfully.

Funniest part is, many of them even warned me that they were not in a place for a relationship.  I didn’t care….I believed that “Love Conquers All!!!”

Um…..so heads up.  That is bullshit.

Ultimately, they were not in a place in their life where they had much to give and it was me who unconsciously settled for that in my mind. Staying around way too long waiting for them to realize how kick-ass I was.  Talking all of my friends ears off on “why would he do/say that?” or “what does that even mean?”

That shit is on me.

It was my job to set up healthy boundaries, ask for what I need, watch for signs of unhealthy behavior  and walk away when it was not working.  Blaming them just keeps me in my own version of hell.

And there is nothing more hellacious than trying to love someone who can’t love you back.  Or at least can’t create a relationship with you.

I was the perfect victim in the world of my own creation.  I was also the only person who could change it.

I needed to get out of my comfort zone.  Because what I was attracted to was obviously not working.

Try new things.  Shake things up.

Meet new people.  All kinds!

Let go of some stupid rules that never applied to me anyway.  How about I know myself and my needs well enough to make my own fucking rules!

I needed to slow down, love myself and this incredible world around us.

That is where real loves begin…..with ourselves.

So, how did I do this?

I stopped being a bitch who judged others I didn’t know.  I don’t know their world and haven’t experienced their experiences.  So who am I to tell them their different is wrong?

I started talking to everyone.  I mean everyone.  Realizing that everyone has a story and something you can learn.  

I started to remember what I loved to do and put more of that in my life realizing it was my fucking job to make me happy!  Not anyone else’s.  Talk about setting something up for failure before it begins.

I started complimenting people more, doing Regular Acts of Kindness (fuck random) and focusing on making others feel good.  Even on days when I didn’t.  

I started living the life I wanted instead of waiting for a unicorn with rainbow fairy dust to find me and do it for me.

In the process, it built confidence, trust and just made me a better person.

It has lead me to this very kick-ass business where I get to change people’s lives on a daily basis.

I have started to invite incredible people in my life from all of the world.

I have light-hearted days filled with fun and ridiculousness.

And am surrounded by lots and lots of love in all different shapes and sizes.  Because we need all kinds of love in our lives.  Not just one.

Finally, it has lead me to start a new group that is based on this idea.  The idea that we need to shut the fuck up  about why you are not dating the right people and just start living.  Filling your life with beauty, kindness and fun.  Build confidence.  Remind yourself what it feels like to feel good.

So you are ready when amazing love shows up.

Who’s with me?  Find out everything you need to know right here and join over 25 people who are ready to change their lives and the world.  Who doesn’t want that shit?

That’s right, no one.

-K