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CONFESSIONS OF A RUNNER

Confessions.

So as you are learning a little bit about me on here you will realize I am a life coach and someone who has made it her life mission to help people create better relationships. And I am someone who weirdly shares A LOT of information about her past relationships all for your learning pleasure.  One of the two.  But I don’t think I have introduced you to the person I am who I am not so proud of.  One that you might relate to or at least have seen in other people.

Hello, my name is Kira and I am a Runner.

No, not the healthy kind like in marathons and crap.  The other kind.  OK, I will explain.

Truly, I know I am so many great things. I don’t need to list them now, just get to know me!  But you know the saying “When the going gets tough, the tough get going”?  That has not always been me.

When it comes to relationships, and even sometimes life, I am more “When the going gets tough, I get going…. out the door.”  Wait!  Isn’t that a Billy Ocean song?

In the past, when I didn’t like my life, I just up and changed things.  Now, this is not all bad.  There are some very good parts to being able to step back in your life and see what you are not liking and change it, instead of getting stuck there.  In some ways it is one of my best qualities.  Because of that trait I have traveled the world, met incredible people, kissed fascinating men and really feel like I have lived.

Yet, when it comes to love and relationships in the past, I have not boded so well.  I have a story for this and this one is probably one of the toughest.

Not too soon after college I re-connected with my first love.  I talk about it recently here to give you some background.  He had broken my heart but we were young and we always had this connection like we were tied together by some invisible string.  Even when we weren’t together, we were never really apart.  So, when we started talking again it felt like going home.

The re-connection was quick and easy and it took no time at all to resurrect those 16-year-old feelings.  However, we were about 1,000 miles away and it had been a few years since we had seen each other.  Soon, he was bringing up us meeting halfway to see if something was really still there -not an unnatural thing since I pretty much thought he was “the one” at the time.  Side note:  I don’t believe in”the one” now, but we can talk about that at a later time.

So when he asked to meet up, I got nervous.  Like wanting to vomit when I thought about it nervous.

My mind starting letting the fear, instead of love, in. What if I wasn’t as cool in real life?  What if he started to see “my stuff”? What if he didn’t find me attractive? What if he just didn’t like me?

So, when he also started getting a little nervous (which is going to happen, because guys get scared, too) I did what I do best:  I got the hell out of there.  I pushed him away.  I got bitchy.   I freaked out on him and  made sure he didn’t want to see me again.  Ever.  And when I came to my senses a few months later and called him trying to recreate the connection again it was too late.  He had already moved on to someone else. It wasn’t until I wanted to get emotionally healthy years later when I started doing some self work and looking at my past relationships and why they didn’t work out that I realized what I had done.

I think it is all beautiful and life coach-ey to say that we should a live a life without regrets.  I would never take back all that I am and the road that got me here.  But I do regret this.  I still wonder what my life could have been with him because I think there were a lot of possibilities there that I have not seen very many times.

It turns out, as I have looked back at my relationships over the years, I realize that a lot of the time I had one foot out the door, ready to bolt when things got scary or tough. When things were good I was always just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  (How many foot/shoe sayings are there?) I was just waiting for them to disappoint me or hurt me.  Say the wrong thing.  Not rise to my unrealistic expectations.  Because then, they would be proving my deepest darkest fears right.  Proving somewhere deep in me, that I was unloveable or at least not relationship-friendly.

But here is the truth, ladies, I guarantee at some point they are going to say the wrong thing.  They are also going to disappoint you.  There will be fights, miscommunications and crap that will hurt.  But with the right person, it will be worth it.  It will be worth the tough talks, the awkward silences and uncomfortable moments.  Because only in the kind of relationships where you let the raw and beautiful imperfections show, do you get to grow as a person and create something real.  That is when the good stuff really begins.

Your Adventure for Today:

If you feel like this might be showing up in your life, print this out and repeat after me….regularly.

I promise that I will do my best to not buy into this fear anymore. I promise to not let the small things show up and to leave because it is hard or uncomfortable.  I promise to accept love as much as I give it even when I don’t know if I deserve it. I promise to not live in the past or overthink the future.  I promise to let you know when I feel like I want to default into my old habits so that you can be there to remind me of how amazing you are.  I promise to retrain myself for you because you (and I) are worth it.

Ladies, is it time that you unpack your bags with me?  Let me help you find someone great and stay awhile.

-Kira