I HAVE TO BE HONEST. I AM ABOUT TO LOSE MY SHIT OVER HERE.
Seriously, we are getting to the point where this is ridiculous.
If I hear one more person tell me how they want men to step up, plan the date, take the lead, grow a pair, I am going to spit out my champagne….and you do NOT want to make me spit out my champagne. It is “my precious”.
But I’m all kinds of riled up. And I am going to tell you why…
I don’t have this blog or my business to give you stupid tips and tricks about online dating or what to wear. I don’t give a fuck what you wear. If you want a tip about that, here it goes. Wear something from Star Wars. Or some good 80s movie like The Princess Bride. And then definitely post it online for my entertainment. Yes, please do that, cause that shit’s hilarious.
If that’s what you want, this article is NOT for you. Scoot.
This article is for those of you who want to have a real conversation about love and relationships. For those of you who want to stop reducing the search for the most significant relationship in your life to an awkward dinner interview. If that sounds like you-you are in the right place. Come sit over here by me, Sugarpants.
And today, I have a big topic. One that is not going to make you very happy. But guess what? I am not here to make you happy. I am here to get you to think about what might not be working and how to change it.
If that pisses you off, I am ok with it. So go ahead and be pissed at me.
Then when you’re done being angry… actually process what I’m about to say and see if it is at all applicable to you. If it’s not, yay for you! Your trophy is coming in the mail.
In all the things I work on with my clients, classes and in The League, I want to shout this one from the mountaintops! Are you ready for this? This is big.
It is time we give guys a break. And I mean fucking immediately.
You might be thinking, “but they’re the problem!” Nope. Wrong.
There seems to be some weird urban legend that guys were pulled into a special room in 6th grade and shown the filmstrip of their lives! One that included lessons on how to date, read women’s minds, ask them out, every detail of the female anatomy and also – how to not have insecurities in dating and relationships. That must have been some fucking filmstrip! (I wonder if Morgan Freeman narrated….that shit would be awesome.)
News Flash: After lots and lots of research on the interwebs and conversations with guys I know, it turns out this film strip does not exist. I repeat: it does not exist!
So this leaves us with one thing….it turns out guys do not have a clue what they are doing either!
In fact, I even have a theory about their cluelessness.
Are you ready for it?
If these men have not witnessed a good relationship (and, uh, most of us haven’t) and don’t have many close friends that they can talk shit out with, they are totally on their own.
Kinda freaked out.
Because they want love too whether they admit it or not. We all do.
60 years ago and pretty much forever before that, guys kind of knew what their roles were. It was practically carved out for them. They knew what was expected of them and how to be in a relationship.
But things have seriously changed. I am in no way saying for the worse, I just think we have all lost our footing a little bit. Men and women. We’re not sure where we stand or what our roles are. We don’t really know what relationships should look like or even feel like anymore.
Truthfully, we are just not really sure how to do this love thing! This is why we need to start having smart conversations around this.
And that is what I am doing here.
See, in this new world of gender roles, many guys are left scratching their head, unsure what to do.
Do they open doors or not?
Plan the date?
Offer to pay?
Take your hand?
Go in for the kiss at the end of the date?
I think we all know the sting of “trying” for something and having a big fat turndown. That feels like total shit and can even leave us questioning if we want to do this. And dude, we are talking about love. Of course we want to do this!
But it is all kinds of fucked up for guys.
They haven’t stopped being chivalrous, we just don’t know what chivalrous is anymore!
Think on this….what works with one person does not seem to work with the next! The poor guy just figured out their last girlfriend and now it turns out their new one works COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY! Who would do that???
What is this? The seventh level of hell???
I realize after coaching lots of guys that we women can seem like an unsolvable, completely inconsistent puzzle where they play to win but often end up losing. All they really need, all they’re really waiting for, is *drumroll please* for us to tell them what we need!! HA! Right? Like that is going to happen! We have been brainwashed by Hollywood that the “right guy” can read your mind and just know what you want.
Yup, that is what real love looks like to most women. Someone who has super powers, can read your mind, and has nothing better to do with their day than find ways to be romantic for you and figure you out.
How about this for real love instead?
Someone who is amazing enough to ask you questions, listen to your answers and keeps showing up every day because we all are a little quirky and are not AMAZING all the time.
So the next time you sit around complaining about guys, I want you to think about this.
You know how you are uncomfortable waiting for that phone call or text?
Imagine having to be the one who has to always make it.
Not knowing if the number you got was real.
If they are going to answer back.
If they are actually interested.
If they are going to be nice.
Because for all the shit talk I hear about players and stuff, let me tell you, there are SO many women who are NOT NICE ABOUT THIS!!!
Which is bullshit, by the way. So here’s my new rule for you, ladies.
You can’t sit here and bitch that you want guys to step it up. Approach you. Ask you out. Be chivalrous. Take the lead and do all of the things when you aren’t stepping up. You can’t give fake numbers, lie about why you are not interested or just drop off the face of the earth without any reason at all.
And this also goes for your friends who do that shit. If you see it and allow it, you are part of the problem. You are helping to create the “the population of fucked up.” For all of our sakes…let’s please stop this bullshit.
Because even the nice guys can only take so much. And after awhile, they stop wanting to be nice guys or just give up.
We women need to be part of the solution.
So how do you do that? Would I leave you hanging? Nope.
1. Know what the fuck you need and learn how to have the confidence to express it. This isn’t being bossy or needy, it is being smart and creating a successful relationship. They need to learn this from you. (you know this is what I do in the Owner’s Manual, right?
2. Stop putting weird expectations on men and relationships. They are human. They have flaws. So do you. They don’t know what they are doing either. So how about you work together to see what you can create.
3. Be kind and honest. Not interested, that’s ok. Just actually let them know in a kind way. If you have hung out a few times, be honest why. They may make changes to be a better dater or boyfriend. Everybody wins!!!
It is time that we work together to not only change ourselves but the way we all date. Only we can change the culture, the expectations and more importantly the results. It doesn’t have to be this hard.
Tonight, give the guys you know a hug. They need it. They are doing the best they can.