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Podcast: Why You Should Stop Looking For Love

No, I am not trying to be a super downer.  

I am a life coach for God’s sake.  I think we know I am am mostly rainbows, unicorns with a side of sugar cookies.  The good kind. With sprinkles.

But we are not fucking around here, people.  Love is too amazing to be messed with.

Today I am going to shake shit up by letting you know why you immediately need to stop looking for love and what you need to do instead.

Listen here.

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Podcast: Why You Are Not Dating Great Guys

One day, I woke up and didn’t want to date unavailable men anymore and I had to have a tough moment where I needed to fess up to myself that it was ME choosing them.  Again and again.

I was the one buying the ticket to the crazy train and that shit was on me.

Today, I break down what I have learned about why I was dating unavailable men and how I changed it.

Learn from my mistakes, grasshopper.

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!)? That’s ok, check me out on iTunes and download for your workout or commute! Check out all of our podcasts here. Today’s transcript is right here.

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How I Turned My Hookup Into A Healthy Relationship

It was actually a little awkward.

The night I met my boyfriend there were a few faux pas.  Actually, a lot. Actually, okay, there were a shit ton.

So there was nothing precious or magical about it really.  At all.

For starters, I was a little drunk…and so was he.  By a little I might mean a lottle.

And we went bowling.  Bowling, I say!  (By the way, I super suck at bowling and kind of made an ass out of myself.  He actually fell.  True story.)

Our first kiss was out back behind the bowling alley, near a dumpster.  Confession: This is not even necessarily new for me.  I have dumpster kissed before. 🙂  It was nice but a little sloppy.  It didn’t knock my socks off.  We ended up making out for a bit in my Mom’s car.  Yes, I am 16.

I met him in my hometown of 5000.  I don’t really like my hometown.  I try to avoid most things in my hometown.  Walmart in particular, because can you think of anything less sexy than Wal Mart?

Although I heard from him a little the next day, I then didn’t hear from him for almost a week.  I honestly had written him off.

Even the next time I met him, I was like….ummmm, I think he is really cute, but I am not sure.

None of it was a disaster.  If anything it was a little funny.  But the truth is this: it was all very far from beautifully romantic.

I didn’t think he was “the one.”

There was no love at first sight.

I didn’t know it when I saw it.

My heart did not want shit.

I just thought that D seemed lovely.  Kind.  Smart.  Interesting.  Sweet.

But here is the truth.  I am not a life coach that works with singles just because I find love and relationships fascinating….which I totally fucking do.  I also do this because I am learning as I go along.  I am invested in sharing my own mistakes and takeaways.  Because I’m keenly aware that what holds me back might also be the kind of shit that is getting in your way.

And look, I’m the first to admit that I haven’t always been so great at this whole relationship thingy.  I get nervous.  I get downright scared. I have sabotaged a lot of shit.

But that doesn’t mean that I give up.  

If there is one thing I have learned in my seven years of doing this, it is that everyone can have love and a healthy relationship if they are willing to do some of the really tough work up front. Including me.

So I kept going.  I checked it out, knowing that I would not know in a date or two if I could create a relationship with him.  Doing what I preach to my clients and on this genius site! 🙂

I taught him how to treat me by creating healthy boundaries.  What was acceptable and what wasn’t, so he could always win.  Because if both people aren’t winning, love can’t really grow.

I showed him how I liked to be loved and learned what he likes.  Because knowing how to make the other person feel loved, cared, and good is a huge part of making it work.

I pushed myself out of my comfort zone again and again.  This process has not been “freak-out-free.” The difference is in how I handled it, starting with my own shit. When things felt uncomfortable, I worked out on my own whether it was actually a problem or my own fears.  If it was a problem, I talked to him, with honesty and kindness.  Often, they were my fears and I worked through them myself.  Because love and long-term relationships don’t always feel comfortable for me.

I leaned on my life support team….a lot.   I don’t think that the person I date needs to be everything in my life and they certainly don’t need to hear every crazy fear I have in my head.  My life support team helped listen, clarify, talk me off the ledge and figure out what made sense and what just didn’t.

I separated the truths from stories in my head.   Man, are there a fuckload of stories in my head about my attractiveness right now, the complications in my life and if I am going to fuck this up.  But those are stories not truths and digging deep I was able to  separate the two.

Most importantly, I communicated all the fucking time!  Not obnoxiously, but I shared who I was.  How I work. Where I am imperfect. Where I need a little extra support.  Where I get nervous.

The result?

A beautiful, healthy relationship that is really working.

I can say from the bottom of my heart, I adore this man.  The best part is that all of this is very, very real.  We have gotten in the habit to talk things out the moment they come up.  Our relationship is even stronger after we fight (a place where I used to run away).  I trust him totally and completely. He makes me think, laugh and smile….regularly.

We are perfectly, imperfect together.  He is my partner-in-crime.   Working as a team to better ourselves and create a kick ass future together.

It didn’t matter if our first couple of dates were a bit ridiculous and not very magical.  Unless you think bowling and dumpster kissing is magical.  

It is what you do afterwards that matters.  

And none of this could have happened if I didn’t do the tough stuff that I described above.  Because from the beginning, I opened up my Owner’s Manual, scary as it was to do it, so that he could see inside.

YES, SUGARPANTS, WE ALL HAVE AN OWNER’S MANUAL.  

Just like a car or fancy schmancy smartphone, we all work in different ways.  The way we love.  Fight.  Process.  Communicate.  Each one of us is different and it is our job to know what is inside and then open it up and share it.

If we don’t know what is inside, how can we expect someone else to figure it out?

Don’t worry, I am here to help:)

So I have created a new process and am sharing it with you.  It’s called The Owner’s Manual.  I know, creative.

It is nine steps of totally awesome self-fucking-awareness to help you know what you need to know to create beautiful, healthy relationships. At the end of it, you’ll leave knowing exactly how you work (and `embracing the shit out of it) and even more importantly, you’ll know how to communicate it.

Here is what you are going to learn.

Step One: The beginning (pre-work and the first call)

We’ll start with a self-knowledge inventory to explore your thoughts and beliefs on love, divorce, sex, relationships and life in general.  This will help you understand what a New Relationship looks like and how to actually get it (not just dream about it).  You’ll walk away understanding how to make decisions based on love, not fear.

Step Two: Who the fuck are you?

We are going to dig deep and get to the core of who you really are.  Even the stuff you have forgotten or covered up.  We will understand your natural strengths and weaknesses, your personality profile and more.

Step Three: How did you learn to love?

You learned it from somewhere and it might not be helping you out.  In fact, it might even be leading you to what you are comfortable with instead of actual love.  We will be doing visualizations to uncover what you learned, find out your love language and identify what you are attracted to and why.

Step Four: Stories vs Truths (two weeks)

Is what is going through your head on a daily basis really the truth?  Or just wackadoo thoughts and stories you are making up that aren’t helping you AT ALL.  We are going to dig into what is on repeat in your mind and learn what we need to change it to.  You will learn how to tell your truths from your stories and start doing daily activities to build confidence and happiness.

Step Five: Creating healthy boundaries and trust

It is super hard to create amazing and beautiful relationships if you don’t trust and can’t create boundaries that make you feel good.  We are going to look at any people pleasing (trust me, it is killing you), co-dependence or those big fucking walls (you like to call that picky) you like to put up and pretend they are healthy.  You are going to discover Interdependence.  (Hint: That’s where everyone feels fucking amazing!)

Step Six: How the hell you communicate

How do you fight?  Process information? Have tough conversations? Express love?  We are figuring that shit out here.

Step Seven: Your life support team

Is your life filled with awesome people who support you, listen and make you feel great?  Or not really…Your future partner can’t be the only awesome person in your life.  You need a whole team.  It takes a village, people.

Step Eight:  How you thrive

Relationships rarely break up because of love.  They break up because people have not thought about and discussed the details of the relationship.  How you view money, parenting, sex, intimacy, sleeping situations, etc.  We are going to take all that we have learned and breakdown what feels good for to you. That way you’ll know just what you need to communicate so your partner in crime is on the same fucking page.

Step Nine:  Your Owner’s Manual

Now that we know you, we will talk about sharing it with others.  How to open up your manual and show others in a way that feels good.

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PUT DOWN YOUR FUCKING PHONE!

LET ME START BY ADMITTING SOMETHING….

I love my iphone.

It’s an iphone 5. Next to my macbook, it’s one of my favorite possessions.

If an electronic device could complete me, it would be my iphone.

It helps me do my banking, connect with friends, run my business, play walkie talkie with my life coach buddies, work out, listen to music.  It is the Beloved Wesley to my Buttercup.  I fucking love it.

However, I have also noticed that it is also really kicking my ass and holding me back from the real world.  

You remember the real world, right?  Where things like making out, water fights and other cool shit happens?  Man, I love making out.

More importantly the real world is where we all have conversations where we can actually see people’s faces and hear  intonations in the other person’s voice. You know, so we get what’s being said and don’t just jump on the crazy train?

Fuck.  Trust me, I get it.  Dating can be hard.  But I gotta tell you, we make it harder than it is.

Gather round boys and girls, it is story time where Kira shares her own personal tales  and looks like an asshole for your learnin’.  It’s kind of like Reading Rainbow….but for singles.

Let’s start at the beginning (it’s a very good place to start.  Yes, that just happened.)

I kinda like a boy.  A whole lotta kinda.

It’s new, it’s fresh, it’s unexpected and I’m currently somewhere in-between the 24/7 excited/nervous phase.

But as I put myself out there for the first time in a long time, fuck if I’m not learning a shit-ton about myself.  It is always an eye opening personal case study. I examine what I think I have figured out and make huge realizations about lots of stuff I haven’t!

And this time it is about fucking texting.

TEXTING!!!!  (Shaking fists at the air)

Something I have been so dead against in dating and relationships and it somehow snuck in.  I don’t even know when or where, it just did.

Most of my clients will tell you that when they first start dating, I advise to not use text.  Maybe a “I’m running late for dinner” kind of text but nothing that has emotion or is communicating anything that could be misconstrued.  Because shit – if that isn’t the stupidest reason for a new, exciting something to end!  Because of a fucking text.

But there I was, phone in hand last week, wondering where the fuck my texts were.

Guilty.

Now, of course, I am reasonably smart at this dating thing.  I am open, honest, try to be kind in everything I do AND keep my expectations in check.

But after 48 hours of not hearing from him….I had somehow managed to convince myself that he wasn’t interested.  I was kicking him to the curb in my mind.  Super annoyingly talking my friends’ ears off.  Talking about “concerns” that was really me trying to talk myself out of “the like.”

But here is the crazy pants part!  Only 2 days before, he had told me he was interested, numerous times, in real life!!!! Face to face!  With the sweetest kiss in the history of mankind to follow it!  

What the fuck is wrong with me???

Here I was, believing bullshit stories in my head about what the proper amount of texting is – without sharing it with him!

This is where I went wrong. It wasn’t about the texting.

I had let my fears in, and kids: they have no place hanging out in your head when you are trying to create love.

All of my past experiences had crept up on me. They flashed in front of my eyes, reminding of the guys that never called.  Never followed up.  Never did what they said they would do.  It was like a bad movie starring Mindy Kaling and Paul Rudd.  And I love Paul Rudd.

But looking at the male gender as a whole is pretty fucking stupid. No two men are really the same. And god knows I don’t want to be clumped in with the type of women who say their sole purpose in life is to be pampered and wear shirts that say “Princess” or “Diva”.  Yuck.

So when I finally saw him a few days later, it took everything in me not to make some snarky comment about not hearing from him much this week.  I checked myself before I wrecked myself. I did bring it up. But in a nice way. And you know what? He just looked at me and plainly said, “I am just not much of a texter.  I should have told you that.”

Fuck.

All of that inner turmoil for nothing. But even though the subconscious sabotage made an unwanted appearance, I am now able to jump off the crazy train and buy the big girl ticket for the sane train.  It’s never too late to ride the sane train. So I walked my talk, I did what I would tell my clients to do. I said “thank you for letting me know that” and then I asked him for a favor.  I let myself be vulnerable and asked for what I knew I needed.

I said, “for my sanity’s sake can you check in every day?  Nothing big, just to let me know you are thinking about me and still interested.”

He said yes.

It is surprising how smooth things can go when you ask for what you need 🙂

What are you not asking for?   Why the fuck not?

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STOP WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COMPLETE YOU

You complete me?  I just threw up in my mouth a little (or a lottle).

Le sigh.

So I have been working some shit out about relationships.

Partially because I like to have really smart conversations with people, to theorize and research, to figure out why things are kind of fucked up.

Partially because I am working through stuff myself.  

Because even though I can see other people’s shit, I don’t always see my own and I try to learn from my successes and mistakes.  I am sometimes amazed as I stand back and watch myself make decisions, then dig deep enough to figure out why I am making them.  Eventually, turning them around if they are based in fear.

BTW, it ain’t easy.

Seeing the fears that show up when we start to care about someone is like watching a bad 80s movie.  It’s not good but you can’t turn away.  

But, here is what I do know.  So many times we are looking for the destination, however love and relationships don’t end when you find someone.  That is where they begin.  And if you are doing this relationship thingy right, your shit is going to show up at some point.  Guar-an-teed.

In fact, it is probably showing up in how you find someone.

So in all of this researchery, I have really seen two reasons of why people have relationships.

1.  To confirm who they are, or more importantly, who they want to be.  

This is what that looks like.

I am loveable, right?  

If someone loves me there is no way I am crazy. 

If I am with someone really attractive, others will think I am special.  That I am clearly cool and successful.  Even if I feel like shit on the inside.

If someone chooses me, I must not completely suck.  They can fix me.

If am in a relationship, that proves that I am ok.  That I am worthy.  That I must be pretty enough.  

That there is nothing wrong with me.

or

2.  Bring someone awesome into your life.  Just to share this crazy journey and be great for each other.

Because when you like yourself enough (and have taken care of your shit) you don’t need to be completed.  Fuck You Jerry Maguire!

You don’t freak the fuck out about everything they say wondering if they are trying to hurt your feelings, you just know they aren’t.

You aren’t weirdly needy or insecure when they can’t be amazing for you every day, because you are taking care of your own shit.  But you feel comfortable enough to reach out for help, input or a hug when you need it.

You accept them fully for who they are, flaws and all, because you are not needing them to be perfect to make you look good.   You already feel good enough to not care about that shit.

You realize that they are choosing to show up in your life every day and create a relationship with you.  That, my amazing friends, is the most incredible gift we can give another person.  That shit is beautiful.

See the difference there, Sugarpants?

I get that when we feel loved we feel stronger and happier but that is only when it is love that can grow into something stronger and happier.  The rest is built on fear and that is not a foundation to support real love.  There is nothing happy in that place.

When you are good on your own creating that amazing relationship is not the destination, it is just the next step in the kick-ass journey called life.

PODCAST: STOP MAKING UP STORIES IN YOUR HEAD ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS THAT AREN’T TRUE

Seriously, stop doing it. It is so beneath you.

What do I mean? Here is what I mean.

I regularly get to talk to really smart and amazing singles. However, sometimes we start to talk about a past situation they are stuck on or a mediocre situation that is still hanging around in the air like a bad cheese smell and the smart and amazing gets thrown out the window. They all of a sudden get that whiney sound in their voice and say something usually like “I know they are {fill in totally crappy quality}…but I just still like them. I don’t know why!”

At that moment, my inner life coach starts to silently cry in the fetal position in frustration.

Listen to some smart stuff on why this is kicking your ass and what to do about it!

 Here is my friend Rob that I talked about in the podcast.  He is brilliant (and dreamy).

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YOUR ADVENTURE OF THE DAY:

Journal on these questions.

*What stories are you telling yourself that is holding you back from real love?

*What stories have you made up about your past relatiobships (good or bad) that just aren’t true?

*What is so wrong with just real you and real life?

*What would happen if we just lived and loved fully?

 

Share your “stories” below!  I want to hear from you!

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, read the article (it is not as much fun though) or check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.