Podcast: What Is Your Goal In Love?

Were you mentioning that you like smart, passionate and super sweary rants about relationships? You were?  

We are so on the same page.  Kindred fucking spirits.

I broke some shit down on the podcast today about stepping back, looking at your goals and making sure your actions and decisions are getting you there.

Listen here.

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!)? That’s ok, check me out on iTunes and download for your workout or commute! Check out all of our podcasts here. 

Today’s transcript is right here.

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How I Turned My Hookup Into A Healthy Relationship

It was actually a little awkward.

The night I met my boyfriend there were a few faux pas.  Actually, a lot. Actually, okay, there were a shit ton.

So there was nothing precious or magical about it really.  At all.

For starters, I was a little drunk…and so was he.  By a little I might mean a lottle.

And we went bowling.  Bowling, I say!  (By the way, I super suck at bowling and kind of made an ass out of myself.  He actually fell.  True story.)

Our first kiss was out back behind the bowling alley, near a dumpster.  Confession: This is not even necessarily new for me.  I have dumpster kissed before. 🙂  It was nice but a little sloppy.  It didn’t knock my socks off.  We ended up making out for a bit in my Mom’s car.  Yes, I am 16.

I met him in my hometown of 5000.  I don’t really like my hometown.  I try to avoid most things in my hometown.  Walmart in particular, because can you think of anything less sexy than Wal Mart?

Although I heard from him a little the next day, I then didn’t hear from him for almost a week.  I honestly had written him off.

Even the next time I met him, I was like….ummmm, I think he is really cute, but I am not sure.

None of it was a disaster.  If anything it was a little funny.  But the truth is this: it was all very far from beautifully romantic.

I didn’t think he was “the one.”

There was no love at first sight.

I didn’t know it when I saw it.

My heart did not want shit.

I just thought that D seemed lovely.  Kind.  Smart.  Interesting.  Sweet.

But here is the truth.  I am not a life coach that works with singles just because I find love and relationships fascinating….which I totally fucking do.  I also do this because I am learning as I go along.  I am invested in sharing my own mistakes and takeaways.  Because I’m keenly aware that what holds me back might also be the kind of shit that is getting in your way.

And look, I’m the first to admit that I haven’t always been so great at this whole relationship thingy.  I get nervous.  I get downright scared. I have sabotaged a lot of shit.

But that doesn’t mean that I give up.  

If there is one thing I have learned in my seven years of doing this, it is that everyone can have love and a healthy relationship if they are willing to do some of the really tough work up front. Including me.

So I kept going.  I checked it out, knowing that I would not know in a date or two if I could create a relationship with him.  Doing what I preach to my clients and on this genius site! 🙂

I taught him how to treat me by creating healthy boundaries.  What was acceptable and what wasn’t, so he could always win.  Because if both people aren’t winning, love can’t really grow.

I showed him how I liked to be loved and learned what he likes.  Because knowing how to make the other person feel loved, cared, and good is a huge part of making it work.

I pushed myself out of my comfort zone again and again.  This process has not been “freak-out-free.” The difference is in how I handled it, starting with my own shit. When things felt uncomfortable, I worked out on my own whether it was actually a problem or my own fears.  If it was a problem, I talked to him, with honesty and kindness.  Often, they were my fears and I worked through them myself.  Because love and long-term relationships don’t always feel comfortable for me.

I leaned on my life support team….a lot.   I don’t think that the person I date needs to be everything in my life and they certainly don’t need to hear every crazy fear I have in my head.  My life support team helped listen, clarify, talk me off the ledge and figure out what made sense and what just didn’t.

I separated the truths from stories in my head.   Man, are there a fuckload of stories in my head about my attractiveness right now, the complications in my life and if I am going to fuck this up.  But those are stories not truths and digging deep I was able to  separate the two.

Most importantly, I communicated all the fucking time!  Not obnoxiously, but I shared who I was.  How I work. Where I am imperfect. Where I need a little extra support.  Where I get nervous.

The result?

A beautiful, healthy relationship that is really working.

I can say from the bottom of my heart, I adore this man.  The best part is that all of this is very, very real.  We have gotten in the habit to talk things out the moment they come up.  Our relationship is even stronger after we fight (a place where I used to run away).  I trust him totally and completely. He makes me think, laugh and smile….regularly.

We are perfectly, imperfect together.  He is my partner-in-crime.   Working as a team to better ourselves and create a kick ass future together.

It didn’t matter if our first couple of dates were a bit ridiculous and not very magical.  Unless you think bowling and dumpster kissing is magical.  

It is what you do afterwards that matters.  

And none of this could have happened if I didn’t do the tough stuff that I described above.  Because from the beginning, I opened up my Owner’s Manual, scary as it was to do it, so that he could see inside.

YES, SUGARPANTS, WE ALL HAVE AN OWNER’S MANUAL.  

Just like a car or fancy schmancy smartphone, we all work in different ways.  The way we love.  Fight.  Process.  Communicate.  Each one of us is different and it is our job to know what is inside and then open it up and share it.

If we don’t know what is inside, how can we expect someone else to figure it out?

Don’t worry, I am here to help:)

So I have created a new process and am sharing it with you.  It’s called The Owner’s Manual.  I know, creative.

It is nine steps of totally awesome self-fucking-awareness to help you know what you need to know to create beautiful, healthy relationships. At the end of it, you’ll leave knowing exactly how you work (and `embracing the shit out of it) and even more importantly, you’ll know how to communicate it.

Here is what you are going to learn.

Step One: The beginning (pre-work and the first call)

We’ll start with a self-knowledge inventory to explore your thoughts and beliefs on love, divorce, sex, relationships and life in general.  This will help you understand what a New Relationship looks like and how to actually get it (not just dream about it).  You’ll walk away understanding how to make decisions based on love, not fear.

Step Two: Who the fuck are you?

We are going to dig deep and get to the core of who you really are.  Even the stuff you have forgotten or covered up.  We will understand your natural strengths and weaknesses, your personality profile and more.

Step Three: How did you learn to love?

You learned it from somewhere and it might not be helping you out.  In fact, it might even be leading you to what you are comfortable with instead of actual love.  We will be doing visualizations to uncover what you learned, find out your love language and identify what you are attracted to and why.

Step Four: Stories vs Truths (two weeks)

Is what is going through your head on a daily basis really the truth?  Or just wackadoo thoughts and stories you are making up that aren’t helping you AT ALL.  We are going to dig into what is on repeat in your mind and learn what we need to change it to.  You will learn how to tell your truths from your stories and start doing daily activities to build confidence and happiness.

Step Five: Creating healthy boundaries and trust

It is super hard to create amazing and beautiful relationships if you don’t trust and can’t create boundaries that make you feel good.  We are going to look at any people pleasing (trust me, it is killing you), co-dependence or those big fucking walls (you like to call that picky) you like to put up and pretend they are healthy.  You are going to discover Interdependence.  (Hint: That’s where everyone feels fucking amazing!)

Step Six: How the hell you communicate

How do you fight?  Process information? Have tough conversations? Express love?  We are figuring that shit out here.

Step Seven: Your life support team

Is your life filled with awesome people who support you, listen and make you feel great?  Or not really…Your future partner can’t be the only awesome person in your life.  You need a whole team.  It takes a village, people.

Step Eight:  How you thrive

Relationships rarely break up because of love.  They break up because people have not thought about and discussed the details of the relationship.  How you view money, parenting, sex, intimacy, sleeping situations, etc.  We are going to take all that we have learned and breakdown what feels good for to you. That way you’ll know just what you need to communicate so your partner in crime is on the same fucking page.

Step Nine:  Your Owner’s Manual

Now that we know you, we will talk about sharing it with others.  How to open up your manual and show others in a way that feels good.

PODCAST: THREE SIGNS YOU ARE NOT READY FOR LOVE

OH SHIT.

It is gettin’ real today.  Real good, that is.

Today is a big ass reality check about no matter how much you bitch about it over wine, are you actually ready for love?

Listen up as I break down my thoughts on how to detect about whether or not you are even ready for love if someone great shows up.

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here.

Today’s transcript is right here.

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WHY I USED TO BE FUNNIER

I used to be way funnier.

My sarcasm was as thick as molasses and could roll off my tongue spouting little drops of comical genius on even the most awkward situations.  I felt it was my duty to give my snarky (and of course hilarious) thoughts to the world at all times.

I worked at it like a full-time job.  Looking for that perfect moment where I could share my funny take on every situation to show you how brilliant I was and how much you should like me.

I was smart as a whip and I used my words to cut people down to size with my humor.

Watch the fuck out world.  I was always on a roll.

And I sought out “funny” guys with my kind of sense of humor too.

A wonderful night was never complete unless I was having drunken witty banter with a cute guy where we make fun of each other and the world around us.  Feeling slightly superior because look how funny and smart we are.

I would test them by putting them down and seeing if they could handle it.  Seeing if they could handle me. Because I was a handful and they better just know that upfront.

And if someone didn’t like my delightful humor, it was their problem.

Duh.  I was “just joking”.

They needed to lighten up and get a sense of humor.

I mean, what the fuck was wrong with them?

And the interesting thing is these guys who were into this weird, slightly masochistic banter, usually never panned out for lots of reasons:

a) how does a guy who responds to snark and put-downs actually feel about himself?

b) when I started showing my softer side underneath (which was hidden there the whole time), they didn’t know what the hell to do with it.

c)  and honestly…..it is fucking exhausting.  Keeping up that constant witty brilliance on both of our ends doesn’t allow us to ever really not be “on our game”.

And ultimately, all of it was a whole lot of bullshit.  It was a big ole defense mechanism and it kicked my ass for many years.

That supposed humor that I was sharing was not about laughing or making myself or others happy.  The ultimate reason for humor.  It was about fear of being real and hiding behind a wall of sarcasm.

So then I wouldn’t have to get close to people and I could have another thing to blame when it didn’t work out. Because being kind seemed really vulnerable and that freaked me the fuck out.

Hiding behind all of that sarcasm was a tough question I didn’t want to answer.

What if the real me wasn’t that great?  What if the person behind the funny-I-have-my-shit-together-awesome Kira wasn’t enough?

But it is.

Because it is all I have to give and that is enough.  Once I believed that shit got a lot easier.

I love a good joke, a sense of humor is a must and laughing until I cry is a regular goal.

However, where I put my effort now is working on ripping down my own walls so no one else has to.  Getting out of my own way because I know that I am capable of great love, I just have this amazing habit of stepping on my own toes.

Along the way I realized that I had much more to give than my snark.  That being vulnerable is a must if I wanted a relationship that didn’t suck.  That I could laugh, be funny and have a wonderful time without putting myself or others down in the process.  That testing others is about my fears and pretty fucking disrespectful.

Now I look for the intelligent, kind, funny, deep dive conversations where you get to explore and learn from each other and leaves you smiling..that shit is awesome.   I am all about that shit.

It is hotter than any exhausting, witty snarkfest any day and is getting you a lot closer to a healthy relationship.

Bring on the LOVE!

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THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU NEED FOR LOVE

I recently read this super smart article on Psychology Today.  I passed it around to my clients and even on facebook because I thought there was so much truth there about the ways we sabotage ourselves when it come to love and relationships.

The people I heard back from really liked it, but there was a resounding message from them across the land…..

Fuck Kira!  This shit is hard.  I am not sure I want to do that shit.

I know, grasshopper.  I know…..

Knowing yourself well enough to recognize your stuff and then doing something about it….well, where do you even begin?  Wasn’t this supposed to be easier than this?  Just fall into place?  Happen organically and then we just live happily ever after????

Nope.

You have been lied to about love and relationships for a very long time.

Call Disney and tell them you want your childhood back.  While you are on the phone with them, get me tickets to Disney World.  It has been too long.  I love it there.

Let me break this down for a moment. (add beatbox sound)

So….here is the deal.  Unlike our ancestors, we don’t have to have relationships anymore.  It’s true.  We don’t have to get married to survive in our world like 100 years ago.  Your family doesn’t get a donkey for you anymore and procreation is doing just fine without you.

Without trying too hard, you can usually get a good job, an apartment and even a dog/cat and live a pretty great life.  I mean shit, you can have/adopt a kid on your own and start your own family.  Most likely, you are not going to go hungry, homeless or be dead and empty inside.

Ultimately, you don’t have to do this.

Here is the absolute truth that is not going to be found in the two million dating tips and tricks articles out there.

The truth is, relationships are not necessary for survival anymore so at the end of the day, you have to fucking want it.  

Bad.

With our pretty long list of expectations and even long life spans, married for life looks way different than it did a few years ago.  It is absolutely do-able, but you have got to want it more than the convenience of single life.

You are going to have to want it when letting someone in for real feels uncomfortable.  It will.

You are going to have to want it when becoming vulnerable is scary.  It is.

You are going to have to want it when compromising your life, schedule and things becomes annoying.  It is going to.

You are going to have to want it to communicate on the level that makes relationships work, which will bring on confrontation and insecurity.  They will show up.

You are going to have to want it when you go through rough days and moments and want to just hide your head and the sand and make it go away.  Which you will.

You are going to need to believe in love and relationships more than the days that you don’t like them or even yourself.  It’s going to happen.

Creating a long-term relationship is one of the most challenging things we can do in our life.  It will rock every fiber of your being and make you question yourself.

So you might be asking yourself, why the fuck would you do that?  That sounds hard.  Hard seems bad.

 

Here is what I believe.  Why I wake up every morning.  Why I run a business that is downright not easy for me.

I believe when we create great love and beautiful healthy relationships we become stronger, happier and better people.

I believe when we are loved we can be better friends. Knowing we are deeply loved, little stuff rolls off of us and we have more time to listen and support others to be better people.

I believe when we are loved, we can be better parents. Because when we can be loved and we can give love, we will not doubt being good enough for them. When we are loved we learn and teach it is OK to make mistakes.
Your love and respect for others will teach them to be honest, kind and real.  Modeling a healthy love relationship is the greatest gift you can give to your children.

I believe when we are loved, we can be better family members.  Because when we have deep love and support we don’t have to default to unhealthy behaviors with our siblings and parents.

I believe when we are loved we move through this world more kind and able to give to others.  We smile more and are doing random acts of kindness without even thinking about it.  We change lives just because we are loved.  This kind of love does not come from fairy dust nor does it just happen to lucky people.  It comes from doing smart but rewarding self-work up front so you can create that kind of love and relationship.

Being in a working, supportive relationship is nothing less than beautiful and CHOOSING to show up every day and be a part of someone’s life is the most amazing gift you can give and receive.  Better than anything you will get this holiday season.  Better than virtually anything on earth.

It means more than ever because we don’t have to be there.  We don’t have to have that relationship.  We are there because we believe in love.

I want this for you.  It is hard but I will help you in any way I can.

So, how bad do you want it?

 

PODCAST: DO YOU WANT LOVE ENOUGH TO ASK FOR IT?

So I spent a lot of my life waiting for love to find me….

It took me a long time to realize that I was the one pushing it away by just not asking for it!

Listen up as I talk today about a personal story that left me with a huge a-ha moment and changed the way I look at love and relationships.

 

 

PodcastLogoCan’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!) That’s ok, check me out on itunes and download for your workout or commute!    Check out all of our podcasts here on itunes!

Today’s transcript are right here.