Are Men Intimidated By Successful Women?

Here is one thing I know for sure about the women who work with me, read blog and listen to my podcast…

They’re smart as fuck.

Not only are they smart, but many of them have successful jobs. Many of them have masters or doctorates. Many of them are rockin’ it out in the corporate world, and that’s incredible.

And let me tell you something else, one of the first stories that I hear that they are making up in their head is that men don’t wanna be with successful women.  They come to me asking “am I single because I’m doing too well and guys can’t deal with that?”.

You know me…I  have thoughts.  Lots of thoughts.

Today on the podcast, I am breaking down what is real, what is a story and what the REAL culprit might be.

Listen here!

, , ,

What No Ones Tells You About Real Love

So there I was…

Bare-bottomed, lying face down on a paper covered bed in a clinic in Costa Rica.

Isn’t this how all good stories start? And you might be asking yourself…“what does this have to do with love?”  

Over the last 5 days I had developed a severely painful abscess in the – wouldn’t you know my luck? – upper crack of my butt. It had happened once before three years ago, and I prayed that it would never happen again.  But it did. While living in the jungle.  In Costa Rica.

No matter how much I planned, and prepared, or how many lists I made, I could not have prepared myself for this hell.

I cried the morning I figured out what the discomfort in my backside was.  I woke up early to the sound of the howler monkeys and thought to myself “why does my butt feel so weird?” And then it dawned on me.  The pain was so awful that I couldn’t sit for days.  There was multiple doctor appointments, antibiotics, pain-killers…all of it.  It was bad enough when it happened in the States where my cool-ass, female doctor who I have had for years would have kind of laughed with me through the pain of the procedure.

But this time I was in the jungle. In a foreign country.  Where I only kinda speak the language (I’m trying!)

I was freaking the fuck out.

However, this time something was different.  I had Danny.  My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years.

From the moment I started crying with my mind spinning of all of my fears of what could go wrong, he has been my rock.

The first day, he walked an hour into town in hell-hot-heat to talk to the doctor at the clinic, and pick up pain meds and food.

After that, he made me wonderful meals every day from scratch.

He cleaned up after the “Kira Tornado” that seems to leave a trail of pillows, computer cords, crackers, and glasses everywhere I go; dispensed whatever drugs I needed at whatever time; rubbed my feet every night (which I will admit he does regularly).

At the end of the day, he has taken total care of me.  Doing everything to make me as comfortable as I could be during this mild medical shitshow in the jungle.

And yesterday, when he held my hand as I cried out in pain in the clinic, soothing me, sweetly pushing the hair out of my face, telling me to squeeze his hand harder if I needed to…I just cried a little bit of happiness.

This was one of the worst experiences of my life, but I smiled through the tears because my heart was full.  I felt true, real, unconditional love.
It makes me laugh now as I think that I spent so much of my life being the super-awesome, independent woman who didn’t need anything from anyone.  I could do it all myself.  Asking for help from anyone felt weak. Why would I want to do that?

My understanding of love had to do with perfect romantic moments in my mind like a montage in a romantic comedy. And none of those moments had me being anything less than super-awesome, funny, and adorable at all times.

The thought of someone loving me through the really, really rough (and pretty gross times) didn’t even compute.  If I had weaknesses, well I would just hide that shit. Because no one wants to love that, right?

But that is not love.  That is two people playing relationship. Like two ten-year olds playing Barbie Dream House.

Because what no one tells you is: you can’t love perfect.  No matter how hard you try. Love lies in the imperfections and vulnerabilities that we bring with us.  Only then can people show up and bring compassion, trust, kindness and love.

Now I know what real love looks like.  Like two flawed, imperfect people choosing to be with each other every day.

In only 2 1/2 years, Danny and I have loved each other through a move to a foreign country (and now a move back to Wisconsin), rehab, parent illnesses, my health journey, the ups and downs of owning a business, dog emergencies, opposite schedules, terrible jobs and yes, even a butt abscess.

And these tough moments, that bring hard conversations, tears, honesty, trust,..that is where the love gets better. The connection deeper.  This vulnerable place is where we get stronger as a couple.  It did not fall into our laps, we built this.

So as you move through your days, do people know how to be great for you?  Care for you? Love you?

Looking to learn how to be more vulnerable and build a relationship like this? Join me for the next Owner’s Manual Class!  Clarity on who you are, what you need and how to ask for it to build strong, beautiful relationships.

If you liked this…share it!

, ,

Never Underestimate The Power of Women

I was in tears multiple times this past weekend.

I sat back in awe as I watched women all over the world stand up for what they believe. It confirmed what I already knew…that women who stand together can change the world.

And there is a lot of change needed.

As a life coach who works with singles, I am constantly blown away by the powerful women I see who rock their jobs/businesses, have strong, beautiful friendships, are raising thoughtful children and yet struggle with self worth and giving away their power in dating and relationships.

That shit breaks my heart.  

I want to take that power, that beautiful fucking vibe that flowed through the world this weekend, and have a conversation on how we keep it going. In the small ways, on a day to day basis, in your everyday life, not just in the overall fight to stick up for what you believe (which you should totally keep doing too), but for the every day culture of women.

Because here’s the deal, Sugarpants: we can’t say we are feminists and not speak up for what we need in relationships.

We can’t say that we are strong and then be afraid to be ourselves in front of others — as we are: highly imperfect.

We can’t say we are independent and then keep allowing bad behavior from people in our friendships and relationships just because we are too scared to be alone.

We can’t say we want to change the world and then tear ourselves and each other down every chance we get.

We can’t say we stand for love and then come from the space of fear. Or make decisions from loneliness, hurt, disappointment, or worry that we are unlovable.

Our intentions are so good. So many times, in wanting to be liked or loved by others, we end up allowing people to treat us badly because we’re just hoping that they’ll love us. But by not setting up boundaries, by not communicating what we need, by not just saying “that doesn’t feel ok,” when someone hurts us, we allow them to walk all over us and disrespect our time, body or feelings.

And here is the real issue, ladies: not only do your choices affect you, they also affect all of the women you know, and even the ones you do not know.

Because after awhile our unhealthy behavior makes people think it’s actually ok to treat us this way. That it’s normal.

This is how ghosting became a part of the dating culture, texting became an acceptable form of communication and fucking dick pics became a thing! How is someone you barely fucking know exposing themselves an ok thing? In the past, those people were called “flashers” and they were put in fucking jail. Unacceptable.

So, when you are disrespecting yourself, you are teaching that guy that that’s how you (and every woman) deserve to be treated. I mean, who do you think is teaching them these behaviors that we all complain about so much…. their mom?

It is time this behavior stopped and ladies starting helping each other out.  By taking care of ourselves and each other, we create a better future for relationships for all of us.

It is time to Ghandi this shit up and, “be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Here is how you can start:

  • Fucking love up the women around you. Connect in any way you can. Give free hugs (everybody needs them!)! Leave random notes of kindness everywhere! Smile more often at other women!
  • Make a point of giving out three compliments a day to women around you, and even to strangers. Encourage them to pay it forward. These little things add up.
  • If you see your friend making a mistake that she is going to regret, intervene. Whether they are accepting bad behavior or make piss poor decisions…talk to them about it. I can’t believe how often we watch our friends make shit decisions but don’t say anything because we are afraid that it is going to hurt the friendship. True friendships include hard conversations.
  • For that matter, when you see your friend behaving badly, (ghosting, not being herself, not telling the truth) call her out kindly. Too many times we blindly cheer them on, but are letting them continue unhealthy patterns.
  • If you want a relationship, admit it to yourself and others and actually DO things that are going to lead to one.
  • If someone is treating you like crap, let them know it is unacceptable and follow through on your word, knowing that you will feel better alone at night than with someone who doesn’t treat you well. Alone doesn’t have to be lonely.
  • Know that you, and every woman (and man for that matter), deserves to be loved and respected. But you have to start by respecting yourself and creating healthy boundaries that create a space where love and respect can grow.

I am so totally blown away by what I saw this weekend. The power we have to create change knows no bounds. And what I want most of all in the world is for all of us to use those voices to say “NO. ENOUGH,” to all the other bad behavior we see and experience every single day. If we do this, for ourselves and each other, I swear to holy unicorns in all the lands that we can change how we experience and create fucking amazing relationships.  

And maybe just change the world.


, , ,

How to Stop Giving Away Your Worth When Dating

{Sweary + ranty version of this article is available as a podcast here}

So today I have a favor to ask.  And it isn’t just for me, it is for all of us.

Ladies, can we stop giving all of our power away to men?  I mean, seriously?

Because in my nine years of doing this, I have encountered so many smart, educated, savvy, incredible women who, as soon as they get a sniff of love, lose all of their confidence and power.

True fucking story.

As soon as love enters the picture, they lose their power by:

Bending over backwards, losing themselves, and what we need while dating because we are afraid they will walk away.

Sleeping with people immediately because we are afraid they will move onto someone else.

Not speaking up about things when something feels uncomfortable because we are scared that they won’t fucking like us.

Faking orgasms!  Why would women do that?  

And that is really just the beginning.

Please understand, this article is not about putting down men.  It is about having a real discussion of why women are choosing and allowing bullshit in dating and relationships that gives our power and confidence away. Every. Fucking. Day.

Without even knowing it we are sabotaging  our relationships before they even get started.

Let me just give you a scenario.

You like someone. 

Maybe have been on a few dates. 

For the first time in a long time, you see potential!  The heavens have fucking opened up and there might be love here, people! 

But you know what?   As soon as the potential starts?  It all gets a little bit sketchy.

We start obsessively thinking and talking about them and the new situation. It’s like our new part-time job.  Where we get paid in crazy.

What does this text mean? 

Should I be upset that I haven’t heard from him for a few days? 

He said this…what do you think that means? 

Why do you think he did that?

Can you imagine how we could change the world if we took the time that we spent thinking/talking about dating and actually volunteered?  Gave back to your community or causes you believe in?  We would be changing the fucking world!!

And most importantly, no matter if we ask ourselves all of the questions that can drive us bonkers, we are concentrating on the wrong thing.  We are asking ourselves questions that we can’t really get the answers to and not asking the one question that actually matters...

Am I ok with this?  Does this feel ok to me?

THOSE Hot Pants, are the questions that matter.

If the answer is no to that question you: 

1) Tell them –  That is called a boundary and  here is how you do that.

When someone does something that doesn’t feel good to you, you:

    a) tell them what it is in a kind way.

    b) tell them why it is not ok with you.

    c) tell them what they can do differently.

Now here is the important shit! 

If they listened and respected it –  Woohoo!  We may have a real keeper here, people!  You have just started creating a potential relationship!  Look at you all grown-up awesome and shit!

However, if they don’t listen or respect that boundary then we have to acknowledge it and realize there is a good chance they are just not in a place to date you.  Because if they can’t respect that boundary in the beginning fuzzy-happy stage, are they going to do it any part of your relationship?

“But Kira,” you say, “isn’t that needy?  Or crazy?  I could never do that!”

Nope.  Uh-uh.  Let me tell you what shit IS crazy.

Expecting to just know what you need to feel good on a regular basis.

Expecting that they will just know how to love you.

Expecting that they know how to communicate with you, support you…all of it!  When you have never told them!

Now THAT shit is crazy!

Here is the love-truth I am dropping today:  

We can not be upset at someone for something we never told them.  

That includes all people in your life…  family, friends, co-workers, etc.

Did you tell them that you would love to hear from them daily? 

Did you say that you get triggered when people are late and how important punctuality is to you?

If not, then you are going to want to get real on what you need and be able to speak up about it.  That is not on them… that shit is on you.

So let me Brene Brown this shit up for a second!  What we are talking about here is called vulnerability and it is the core to have a deeper relationship.   

You know how scary that whole asking for what you need shit” is…  you will have to do that for the rest of your relationship –  that is what relationships are all about. 

However, if you can’t – this is what happens…

You can never create a deeper connection because that person can’t figure out how to be great for you or love you. If they can’t figure that out, it is hard for them to be part of your life and to stay long-term.

You know couples that get divorced because they “fell out of love” or some bullshit like that?  This is usually what happens – they never learned how to love and support each other beyond the honeymoon phase, so when things get tough, they can’t work through it.  They didn’t create a deeper connection by being vulnerable and asking for what they needed.

So in review: Not sharing what you need to feel loved and asking for it  = partners who don’t know how to love and support you = not creating a deeper connection = people leaving because they feel “like they fell out of love” and don’t feel connection to you.

I’ll tell you this from the bottom of my heart.  My relationship wasn’t built kissing in the rain, taking long walks on the beach or creating scavenger hunts for each other,  (Which we totally do.), or any of the other romantic moments that are sold to us on TV, in movies and books… 

It was built on the couch I am sitting on now as I write this.  Where I am crying over the frustration of my weight and health right now.

It was built standing outside of rehab last year, both of us crying as my boyfriend let go and sought help when he felt that his drinking was becoming too much for him to handle on his own.

It was built when we talk about our fears, our failings and where we need help and support from each other.

It is built multiple times a week if one of us is having a rough moment and the other one says “how can I be great for you right now?  What can I do?”

Because that is the shit that we do in this relationship.  

And that is what working, healthy relationships look like.

Bonus: do you think I worry for one second about cheating or about if he loves me?  Not a fucking chance.  We are working so diligently together on a future and being great for each other that I never have to worry about that shit.

He is my partner.  My greatest ally.  My support system and my best friend.  He is 100% in on this journey we call life.  I can not ask for anything more than that!

So do you want better relationships? 

Then let’s stop giving all of our power and confidence away to men. Because honestly, they don’t know what they are doing either!  So let’s start taking care of ourselves and each other.

How do we do that?

  1. Get clear on what we need in a relationship and have the skill set to communicate it.  Just a reminder that this is EXACTLY what we do in the Owner’s Manual. Check it out!
  2.  Start supporting our friends to take care of themselves in relationships and ask them to make us accountable too!  Encourage them to ask for what they need and speak up.  Say “I don’t think you are taking care of yourself in this relationship and I know you want to have an awesome relationship so how can you ask for what you need?” Be each other’s ally in doing this better!
  3. Start sharing this shit.  This article or the podcast that is on the same topic – much more “ranty and sweary”.  Let’s start getting on the same page and taking care of each other!  That’s how revolutions work!

So are you in?  Are you ready to take your power back?  If not for yourself, but for the awesome relationship you can create when you start by taking care of yourself!

Let’s fucking do this.

, , ,


Have you ever met someone and wished you had a crystal ball to see into the future?

Would he like your friends? Your family?
Is he a good communicator?  Is he kind?
Does he have the potential to be that amazing partner-in-crime you have been looking for?

“Love is blind” is a quote I believe in whole-heartedly, but in a little different way than most. I find most people blindly look for love hoping to “bump” into the right person. They shit their eyes and start to just feel.  Looking for the connection, spark and attraction. Which in theory is good, but doesn’t help you figure out if they are someone you can actually have a healthy relationship with.

It is great if you have chemistry and both of you like The Walking Dead but if you aren’t aware of the all the other important stuff – core values, communication, deal breakers – you are probably going to wake up one day and realize you wasted your time and boy, that shit sucks.

I am not the dating fairy who can sprinkle magic dust and show you five, ten or 15 years down the line.  But, by keeping your eyes open, you’d be surprised how much you can really learn about a person without spending the next six months wading around in a questionable relationship.  Remember as you start to get to know them that when they show you who they are…believe them.

In honor of Halloween!  Here are 5 types you can watch for that you should walk (err…run) away from…immediately: 

1. Denny Downer Syndrome: He is a great guy but has been dealt a “bad hand.” He works so hard at everything yet no one notices or appreciates him. He is always getting the raw end of the deal and for no apparent reason!  Life is just always so tough. {CLICK HERE FOR FUN and push play.}

I am getting super fucking depressed just writing this. We all know at least a few of these people – the constant victims in their own life. The people that never get a break.  That life seems to keep them down so they can never feel good.

Listen, I don’t mean to sound callous.  We all have bad days and bad situations…that’s life.  But, the guy who is truly suffering from the “downer syndrome” is probably making choices that are keeping him unhappy. Keeping him in his situations.

Plus, not only will his negativity rub off on you, but it is exhausting spending all of your time listening to his problems and telling him it will get better soon.  My guess is if he can’t figure out how to solve these problems, he won’t have much to offer to a healthy relationship (much less to you, when you have an occasional bad day).

2.  The Overachievers: He loves his life! When he isn’t working 70+ at his full-time job, he is also working just as hard at his part-time business or passion. In his “free time” he is training for the Ironman or hanging with the guys. It takes him two weeks just to schedule a date.

This one is deceptive because we are excited about motivation and a full, exciting life.  Right?  But we are so excited we miss this red flag. Because as cool as his jobs or passions are, there is a point that you will need to wave your arms and say, “Excuse me, but, um where would I fit in?”

It is great that he has so many wonderful things in his life; but with a schedule like that he has unconsciously decided not to make relationships one of them. Healthy relationships are for real people who have space in their life. It is very important that your date has a life, friends, goals and passions. But, if this person doesn’t have time for dating, he isn’t going to have time for you and a real relationship.

3.  Anger Management Needed: This is a classic red flag ignored time and time again. I have heard women make all the excuses. He just has a lot of passion or he is particular about the way he likes things. Make all the excuses you want, but if he is yelling at the waiter because his steak isn’t prepared to his liking or is rude to coffee shop employees, you can safely peek into what the future might be like with this person.

We have all seen the poor woman who spends half of her existence apologizing for her husband’s rude behavior and unless you want to be that person, run – do not walk – in the other direction.

4.   Ex Trash Talker: “She was absolutely crazy. She was super clingy. I had no idea she would back her car into my truck 26 times.”

Anyone who is actually dealing with someone who is mentally ill is NOT going to speak about her that way.  Or fucking shouldn’t.  That would make him super shitty.

Most likely, he was in an unhealthy relationship full of fear (jealousy, zero trust and communication, etc) and that he helped make that way.  Plus, if it was that bad…why did he choose to date her for three years – heck, even six months – that was pretty much his choice. In fact, if his ex was so bad, why did this even get off the ground?  As my Grandma always said, “it takes two to tango”. If he let that person into his life and then stuck around for it, that was a choice and there was a reason he made it.

5. Mr. One-Upper: You volunteer locally.  He did a month long relief effort. You like alternative music.  He has hung out with Chris Martin, from Coldplay, numerous times.  They are like BFFs.

It is great that he has traveled the world, has had incredible experiences and seems well connected. Unfortunately in Mr. One-Upper’s eyes, your accomplishments will never be quite as good as his, your dreams not as big and your life not as important. He is never going to let you shine in the relationship and everybody needs to shine.  You want someone who can not only share and celebrate his experiences, but yours too!

Your Halloween Adventure:

Sit down for 10 minutes and journal the shit out of this…  Have you ever dated any of these types?  What other qualities have shown up in your past relationships that you should have paid attention to?  Is there a pattern here? A negative type that you keep going back to?  Why?

, , ,

The Best Gift To Give To Your Mother This Mother’s Day

It’s almost Mother’s Day…

and as I think about the mothers in my life it makes me think back to stories about my Grandmother that I learned a few years ago.

Now, not my favorite Grandma.  Because I do have a favorite.  My Mom’s Mom was one of my favorite people on earth and an integral part of my childhood.  And her cinnamon rolls still haunt me. In a good way.

But, no, I’m talking about the grandmother who I feel like I barely knew.  The one that I didn’t really get.  The one that, in all honesty, I was embarrassed of while I was growing up. She was ridiculously tough.  Smart as a whip. Very few teeth.  Pretty eccentric. To say she was a character is an understatement.

Then, she had a life-changing stroke. One that made her unable to recognize me anymore. I was only 9 at the time, so I came to mostly resent how this affected my family.

In the quiet moments over the last couple of years, my Dad has shared stories of this tough, eccentric lady who would walk everywhere (miles and miles even at age 83), lived in an old, dilapidated, farmhouse on a farm that she ran mostly on her own, as my grandfather was away traveling the world.  WHILE raising three sons.  In these stories:

I learned how hard she worked running a farm, raising kids as an unofficial single mom, and teaching full-time.

I learned how rough her life was as a child having to leave her mother after their father abandoned them, and her Mother couldn’t take care of them.

I learned how just how tough most her life was, and how it never really got easier.

The more and more I have learned, the more I am proud that I am her granddaughter.  

The embarrassment and resentment I had as a child is gone.  All I see now is how hard she had to fight to just live her life.  Raise a family. Put food on the table and clothe her children.  Try to live a different story than her own mother who had to abandon her own children.

It also makes me think of my own Mother who has had her own struggles of finding her footing as a woman, mother and teacher over the last 70+ years.  Finding her own voice over the years after not really having the chance to develop one as a child.

And I sit back and think about my life, and see the silly stories that show up in my newsfeed on facebook and in women’s magazines, well…it makes me embarrassed.

Embarrassed over the not very important things I spend my time worrying about.  My weight, not liking my clothes right now, the small details of my business, etc.  The pretty pathetic list goes on and on.

And in all honesty as I look around, it makes me a little embarrassed for all of us.  To know how hard our mothers and grandmothers fought for us and how much I look around and still see so much fear.

We keep ourselves in prisons of perfection, scared to fail and thinking that we will be judged by some invisible peanut gallery.  We worry that if we get out of our comfort zones and try new things, they might not work out the way we hoped.  They won’t live up to our unrealistic expectations. We might have to feel real life feelings that food, wine and Netflix can’t numb away.

My Grandmother didn’t have time to worry about being judged or failing.  She had to put food on the damn table!  She had a farm to run!  

So, including myself in the conversation, I want to ask you, what the hell are we doing here, ladies?

Why are we spending our days consuming unreal reality television, filtering the shit out of Instagram pictures, comparing ourselves to every other woman we know (and don’t) and shaming ourselves when we don’t measure up to our imaginary story about their lives?  Aren’t we better than this?

Didn’t our foremothers fight for us to have lives where we didn’t have to live so much in fear?

We need to stop the shame and blame and push ourselves out our comfort zones to start living with purpose.  

Having the bigger conversations that our mothers and grandmothers were not able to have.  We need to do the self-work to not make the same mistakes.  We need to break our family chains.  

Because of my mother, grandmothers and all the women before them, I get to have a different story.  A different path. I get to run a business I love.  I get to have a relationship built on partnership.  I get to travel and see the beauty of this world.  The list of luxuries goes on and on.

And honestly we owe them more than the silly shit that we are focusing on day after day.  We owe them for:

The 18 hour days they put in.

The voices that were not heard.

The walls they were up against again and again.

We can not take for granted the centuries of struggle we’ve been through to get to the place we are today.  I know we have a ways to go, but so much of that starts with us.

So I ask you to start here.  This Mother’s Day, sit down with your mother and collect the stories of your past generations.  Listen to the struggles, the triumphs, the obstacles and the celebrations.  Write them down or record them for your possible future generations.

Then I ask you to sit down and get bold.  If you don’t like your life, change it!  In 2016 we have the resources, tools and support systems in place to slowly start making our lives better.  For us and the women of the future.  Are we going to be the generation who had opportunities and chose to stay scared?  Because getting out of our comfort zones is scary?  

No, the Depression was scary.  The Black Plague was scary.  You going after a different job is not really scary. Rejection does not kill you.  Hunger and disease does.  

So if you have been wanting to see a part of the world…go book your trip!

If you are single, and don’t want to be…work on it! (I mean, that’s what I do…)

If your relationship isn’t going as planned, work on it!  I love this workshop.

If you are not happy with your health.  This coach makes my world better.

If you are struggling with parenting, get on it!  Start here and then go here!

Or find your own coach, therapist, expert, program, class that can help you shift what’s not working.  Because you don’t have to be unhappy and you don’t have to do it alone.

Together, we can change our stories and the stories for our future generations.  Just by working on ourselves.

If you can’t do it for yourself right now, do it for your Mom or your Grandmother who fought so hard for you.  

That’s the best Mother’s Day present you could give.  A better life.

If you liked this, please share it! Let’s start having the bigger conversations for a better life.


, ,

Is Being Single Tragic Or An Adventure?

Deep thoughts today…

Being single is not tragic.

You are not broken or unlovable and the love gods do not hate you.

It is a stage in your life just like childhood, being in a relationship, marriage, being a parent, etc. All of these stages we are growing, evolving and learning about ourselves. Some last longer then others.

However, you get to choose if you are happy or not in this stage. You decide whether or not your life is full of friendships, adventure, fun, exploring, travel and kissing awesome people. Or if you are lonely, sad, checked out, pining for love and possibly desperate.

Think hard about the two people I just described. Which one is going to get to a good relationship faster? If you are not sure, we need to talk now!

We have a lot more control over whether or not we are single than we like to think. And we certainly have a choice to be sad about it or look at it as an awesome stage in life with adventures.

Which are you choosing and why?

Need help choosing adventure?  Then get your cute butt in the League!

You will join other unicorn revolutionaries (amazing women) from around the globe in smart conversations, challenges, activities and more.

With monthly themes, audios, videos and just a shit-ton of fun! Learn, get support and kick yourself out of your comfort zone. Woohoo!


So get ready to change your life and get in there!

, , ,

We Are All About 5 Seconds From Bat Shit Crazy

Fuck if I haven’t been known to buy a ticket to the crazy train once or twice.

And as I am almost five months into something new and really awesome (Yes, thank you.  Thank you very much.) I can not even fucking believe how much the crazy has shown up.

Shit I thought I had taken care of YEARS AGO has reared it’s ugly head, laughed in my face, and reminded me both how human I am and how out of my comfort zone creating relationships can really be.

Let’s just say it has all been very, very humbling.  

And as I sit back a little chafed from my own experiences lately, I realize that one of the biggest fears about getting ourselves out there, meeting people, dating and creating relationships is that we will, well….. let the crazy hang out.

And nothing has the opportunity to bring out that crazy quite like love.  Right, Sugarpants?

When we even sniff the possibility of smitten, that usually logical brain that helps us make smart decisions every fucking day turns on us.  Like my 7th grade best friend did in Home Ec when we were making biscuits…..but I digress.

As we start to get deeper into the dating and it stops being just butterflies and THIS PERSON IS AWESOME ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME!!!!  The logic goes out the window and the thoughts and feelings start to take over.  

All of the feels.  All of the time.

For me, those dagnab feelings start swimming around in my head and make me question everything I know as true. Things I actually witnessed.  Moments I was a part of.  Truths, real conversations, all of it.

It truly feels a little crazy.  

Because here is a truth we forget about or maybe you have never really thought about before.  I want you to sit down for this one.  It is a biggie….

Our thoughts and feelings can be big fat liars.

As we go throughout our day we have thousands of thoughts and feelings running through our head. Observations, judgements, choices, all of it.  We have our own movies on play in our head as we act out the starring role in this thing called life.

However, here is the rub, all of these thoughts and feelings are not truths.  They are only perceptions.

And most of them are coming from places of fear or past experiences and actually have no real sense or truth in them.

Well shit. 

And HERE is the roughest part…it is our fucking job to figure out the difference.  Especially if you want to be awesome in your relationship.

We get so caught up in the thoughts and feelings or the story line that we abandon the truths.  And the truths are where love exists.  Where relationships move forward.  Where all the squishy good shit that makes you feel like the world is a beautiful place full of unicorns, glitter and cake lives.   Man, I love cake.

When we abandon our truths and give into the fleeting feelings of the moment, that is where fear takes over.  Getting us to a big fat fucking nowhere.  

Need an example?  Ok, no problem….I had a “moment” recently.  

Truly.  It’s a gift.  You’re welcome.

The awesome man I am dating and I have completely different schedules.  And of all the things you think about when you are creating a relationship and talking about love, the super unsexy things show up.

For us it is schedules.

He is literally sleeping when I am awake and vice versa.  

So in the pocket of hours that we get to see each other it is pretty much a guarantee that one of us is going to be tired.  Sometimes even exhausted.

So recently, as we are hanging out  I was just really, really tired.  I just couldn’t wake up.  My wagon was draggin’.  And if truth be told, I am not very adorable when I am tired.  In fact I can be quiet and just plain salty.

But I adore this man, and I really wanted to see him, so I just thought I would power the fuck through.  Right?

Well, let me throw in that I am also going through some emotional family stuff and am PMS-y.  Which good for you if you don’t get PMS-y, but I do and it really can help cloud the truths.  

So, through all of this, it was almost inevitable that a ‘moment’ might happen with D.  And it did.

He didn’t do something the way I wanted him to and I just stepped inside my head and started letting the the thoughts and feelings take over.  

I mean, not just thoughts and feelings….crazy shit that has no place in my head and certainly not in this relationship.

Does he not want the same things as me?

Is he not as attracted to me as I think he is?

I can’t bring this up to him because he won’t listen, right?

and then I went to the dark place….can I even do this?  Actually be in a relationship? Is this going to even work out? 

Spoiler alert:  Abso-fucking-lutely.  I am crazy about this guy.  This is so damn real I am mildly freaked out a good percentage of the time. There is so much goodness here I am still pinching myself on a daily basis because he keeps showing up and slowly creating something really fucking beautiful with me.

But that doesn’t stop the feelings and thoughts from coming.  Weird, crazy thoughts.  Untrue thoughts.

Thoughts that just lay there in my head.  Like my cat Leroy, on the heat vent, in winter.

That is where it is my job to know the difference between the truths and the perceptions.

And what people forget to tell you when they talk about love, soulmates and all the romantic stuff that takes up space in our head and becomes stories and expectations of our future relationship, is that it is our job too.

It is our job to control our thoughts that make us feel crazy and know the difference.

It is our job to know our truths so we can respond to a situation, not react.

It is our job to have enough self awareness to know what we need and the confidence to express it to that person.

We need to communicate like mother fuckers to stop hurting each other and start helping each other.

And if you can’t do that, all of this love stuff is going to be a huge fucking struggle.

Because as we expect more and more out of our relationships in 2015, we have to have some radical fucking knowledge about ourselves to be great in them.  Otherwise, we keep walking around with our feelings hurt or just plain uncomfortable and we don’t even know why.

Where healthy relationships lie is where your future partner-in-crime just gets to show up every day, know their own truths and work with you to create something awesome.  

That is all.  

That is why I have been working on something new for a long time in my coaching business.  It is called The Owner’s Manual.  It is the core of my research, coaching and beliefs.

The Owner’s Manual is extreme self awareness to understand how you work.  How you love, communicate, trust, think, process, etc.  So that you can know how you thrive in a relationship.

But most importantly, so you have the knowledge to open up that Manual and show it to the right person so they understand how you work. And feel good.  And you both can create love.  And awesomeness.

, , , , ,

How I Turned My Hookup Into A Healthy Relationship

It was actually a little awkward.

The night I met my boyfriend there were a few faux pas.  Actually, a lot. Actually, okay, there were a shit ton.

So there was nothing precious or magical about it really.  At all.

For starters, I was a little drunk…and so was he.  By a little I might mean a lottle.

And we went bowling.  Bowling, I say!  (By the way, I super suck at bowling and kind of made an ass out of myself.  He actually fell.  True story.)

Our first kiss was out back behind the bowling alley, near a dumpster.  Confession: This is not even necessarily new for me.  I have dumpster kissed before. 🙂  It was nice but a little sloppy.  It didn’t knock my socks off.  We ended up making out for a bit in my Mom’s car.  Yes, I am 16.

I met him in my hometown of 5000.  I don’t really like my hometown.  I try to avoid most things in my hometown.  Walmart in particular, because can you think of anything less sexy than Wal Mart?

Although I heard from him a little the next day, I then didn’t hear from him for almost a week.  I honestly had written him off.

Even the next time I met him, I was like….ummmm, I think he is really cute, but I am not sure.

None of it was a disaster.  If anything it was a little funny.  But the truth is this: it was all very far from beautifully romantic.

I didn’t think he was “the one.”

There was no love at first sight.

I didn’t know it when I saw it.

My heart did not want shit.

I just thought that D seemed lovely.  Kind.  Smart.  Interesting.  Sweet.

But here is the truth.  I am not a life coach that works with singles just because I find love and relationships fascinating….which I totally fucking do.  I also do this because I am learning as I go along.  I am invested in sharing my own mistakes and takeaways.  Because I’m keenly aware that what holds me back might also be the kind of shit that is getting in your way.

And look, I’m the first to admit that I haven’t always been so great at this whole relationship thingy.  I get nervous.  I get downright scared. I have sabotaged a lot of shit.

But that doesn’t mean that I give up.  

If there is one thing I have learned in my seven years of doing this, it is that everyone can have love and a healthy relationship if they are willing to do some of the really tough work up front. Including me.

So I kept going.  I checked it out, knowing that I would not know in a date or two if I could create a relationship with him.  Doing what I preach to my clients and on this genius site! 🙂

I taught him how to treat me by creating healthy boundaries.  What was acceptable and what wasn’t, so he could always win.  Because if both people aren’t winning, love can’t really grow.

I showed him how I liked to be loved and learned what he likes.  Because knowing how to make the other person feel loved, cared, and good is a huge part of making it work.

I pushed myself out of my comfort zone again and again.  This process has not been “freak-out-free.” The difference is in how I handled it, starting with my own shit. When things felt uncomfortable, I worked out on my own whether it was actually a problem or my own fears.  If it was a problem, I talked to him, with honesty and kindness.  Often, they were my fears and I worked through them myself.  Because love and long-term relationships don’t always feel comfortable for me.

I leaned on my life support team….a lot.   I don’t think that the person I date needs to be everything in my life and they certainly don’t need to hear every crazy fear I have in my head.  My life support team helped listen, clarify, talk me off the ledge and figure out what made sense and what just didn’t.

I separated the truths from stories in my head.   Man, are there a fuckload of stories in my head about my attractiveness right now, the complications in my life and if I am going to fuck this up.  But those are stories not truths and digging deep I was able to  separate the two.

Most importantly, I communicated all the fucking time!  Not obnoxiously, but I shared who I was.  How I work. Where I am imperfect. Where I need a little extra support.  Where I get nervous.

The result?

A beautiful, healthy relationship that is really working.

I can say from the bottom of my heart, I adore this man.  The best part is that all of this is very, very real.  We have gotten in the habit to talk things out the moment they come up.  Our relationship is even stronger after we fight (a place where I used to run away).  I trust him totally and completely. He makes me think, laugh and smile….regularly.

We are perfectly, imperfect together.  He is my partner-in-crime.   Working as a team to better ourselves and create a kick ass future together.

It didn’t matter if our first couple of dates were a bit ridiculous and not very magical.  Unless you think bowling and dumpster kissing is magical.  

It is what you do afterwards that matters.  

And none of this could have happened if I didn’t do the tough stuff that I described above.  Because from the beginning, I opened up my Owner’s Manual, scary as it was to do it, so that he could see inside.


Just like a car or fancy schmancy smartphone, we all work in different ways.  The way we love.  Fight.  Process.  Communicate.  Each one of us is different and it is our job to know what is inside and then open it up and share it.

If we don’t know what is inside, how can we expect someone else to figure it out?

Don’t worry, I am here to help:)

So I have created a new process and am sharing it with you.  It’s called The Owner’s Manual.  I know, creative.

It is nine steps of totally awesome self-fucking-awareness to help you know what you need to know to create beautiful, healthy relationships. At the end of it, you’ll leave knowing exactly how you work (and `embracing the shit out of it) and even more importantly, you’ll know how to communicate it.

Here is what you are going to learn.

Step One: The beginning (pre-work and the first call)

We’ll start with a self-knowledge inventory to explore your thoughts and beliefs on love, divorce, sex, relationships and life in general.  This will help you understand what a New Relationship looks like and how to actually get it (not just dream about it).  You’ll walk away understanding how to make decisions based on love, not fear.

Step Two: Who the fuck are you?

We are going to dig deep and get to the core of who you really are.  Even the stuff you have forgotten or covered up.  We will understand your natural strengths and weaknesses, your personality profile and more.

Step Three: How did you learn to love?

You learned it from somewhere and it might not be helping you out.  In fact, it might even be leading you to what you are comfortable with instead of actual love.  We will be doing visualizations to uncover what you learned, find out your love language and identify what you are attracted to and why.

Step Four: Stories vs Truths (two weeks)

Is what is going through your head on a daily basis really the truth?  Or just wackadoo thoughts and stories you are making up that aren’t helping you AT ALL.  We are going to dig into what is on repeat in your mind and learn what we need to change it to.  You will learn how to tell your truths from your stories and start doing daily activities to build confidence and happiness.

Step Five: Creating healthy boundaries and trust

It is super hard to create amazing and beautiful relationships if you don’t trust and can’t create boundaries that make you feel good.  We are going to look at any people pleasing (trust me, it is killing you), co-dependence or those big fucking walls (you like to call that picky) you like to put up and pretend they are healthy.  You are going to discover Interdependence.  (Hint: That’s where everyone feels fucking amazing!)

Step Six: How the hell you communicate

How do you fight?  Process information? Have tough conversations? Express love?  We are figuring that shit out here.

Step Seven: Your life support team

Is your life filled with awesome people who support you, listen and make you feel great?  Or not really…Your future partner can’t be the only awesome person in your life.  You need a whole team.  It takes a village, people.

Step Eight:  How you thrive

Relationships rarely break up because of love.  They break up because people have not thought about and discussed the details of the relationship.  How you view money, parenting, sex, intimacy, sleeping situations, etc.  We are going to take all that we have learned and breakdown what feels good for to you. That way you’ll know just what you need to communicate so your partner in crime is on the same fucking page.

Step Nine:  Your Owner’s Manual

Now that we know you, we will talk about sharing it with others.  How to open up your manual and show others in a way that feels good.


Are You Willing To Be Changed for Love?

So, I fucking love a good guest post.

Especially when it is from one of my clients who can write circles around me.  One who is not scared to open up her fears and dump them on the page.  All for the sake of your learnin’ and love.  Let me introduce to you the incredible Jamie Jensen.


You don’t know me, but I’m working with Kira. I’m doing the Owner’s Manual.

I’m rocking it. Except when I’m not.

Here’s the thing. I’m a little bit of a control freak, a people pleaser, a worrier.

My default mode is STRESS.

My normal setting is WORKAHOLISM.

My energy is usually in DRIVE.

So just  “being” is really hard for me, because even when I can truly achieve it (and achieve it well) I struggle with feeling like I deserve it, or earned it.

This goes for work performance, finances, and body image.

If I don’t feel like I’m fit, lean or thin enough — I can’t possibly deserve to live with any abandon in my body. If I don’t feel like I’ve practically killed myself to accomplish something major, I am looking for proof that I deserve to celebrate. If I think about my overall financial snapshot, I feel severely damaged as a human. Which is unfortunate, because there are people in way worse situations than mine.

But the best (worst) part of this amazing (that’s sarcasm) self-image I have? My major accomplishments go largely uncelebrated. Seriously people, I made a movie. A MOVIE. And I’m just like “meh, I could do better.”

So basically, I’ve spent a long ass time in the business of torturing myself.

It’s a lot of fun. (NOT.) And the thing is – no one knows it’s even happening, because I’m very good at making sure everyone else is OK and having fun.

Yeah, I’ve been putting on a good show as a cover for my ever fluctuating self esteem, for my whole life.

So now, in my 30s, I’m finally coming into my own and learning how to truly please myself, and, more importantly, actually believe I deserve to. I’m starting to finally feel free and enjoy my life on my own terms. However, I can not be in denial of this fucked up perceived social value that a lot of women have.  Women are in the space of feeling like they have to prove their worth, while simultaneously hoping some guy is going to come along who will flip the switch and prove it for them by loving them.

Neither is going to happen, baby cakes. Especially not if you don’t deal with your shit first.

So, yeah. I’m finally in a place where I am doing what I want, and not feeling guilty about it. So insert a potentially loving relationship into the mix, and what comes out of the other side? Straight up fucking CRAZY. Because fuck, relationships are a lot of things. But if nothing else, they are mirrors.

So let me tell you what I’m seeing…

FIRST, all of the reasons I freak out when I start dating someone…

  • What if I hurt them because I don’t know what I want?
  • What if I’m not as into them as I think I am?
  • What if they reject me?
  • What if they don’t want what I want?
  • What if I am humiliated by another failed relationship?
  • What if I make myself vulnerable and get hurt?
  • What if I’m not lovable? Because of my body, emotions, money, etc…

What if I’m not “good enough?”

Any of this shit ringing a bell? Yeah – these are the knee jerk responses when you’re operating from fear. Love doesn’t say this to me. Love says I’m a hot-as-fuck, hilarious, compassionate, driven, successful, creative and fun KEEPER, and no one should let me slip through their fingers. But love hasn’t been running this show 24/7. Newsflash, LOVE, your vacation is over!

SECOND, all of the reasons I think I don’t deserve to be in a loving relationship.

Hey, when I’m not kind to myself, I don’t believe that anyone else should be kind to me either.

  • I’m fat, gross, not attractive enough.
  • I’m not financially stable enough.
  • I’m overly emotional or “crazy,” this is my favorite because this is the one that says I can’t actually love someone – because love is emotional – and then if I show that I have feelings, all bets are off. My stock will drop.

I’m exhausted just thinking about all of this. Literally anyone in my life from the outside looking in would be like “are you crazy?” And I will look them right back in the face and say “YES.” Because this shit is batshit crazy, but it doesn’t make it any less real, or any easier to eliminate. It’s a default setting. Kind of like a loop that I circle through – you overcome, rinse, repeat.

But I’m seeing someone now. Someone amazing. Someone who makes me think things like “where have you been all my life?” Someone who I can’t get enough of. Someone who is worth me working on all of this CRAP so I can enjoy the possibilities, and be what they truly deserve.

Which makes me, of course, freak out.

Here are the thoughts that make truly investing in someone so scary:

I’ll be rejected or abandoned. Cheated on, or in some way, “not enough.” Inadequate. Not the girl they want. Not the woman they need. Not the one they love. Fun, cute, sexy, but lukewarm. Mediocre. Meh.

I’ll fall in love and have to deal with losing someone I love. I’ve already lost a parent. Will I be OK? Sure. Do I want to deal with pain like that again? Not really.

I’ll have to change. Here’s the clincher. I have to change. I have to sacrifice. I have to let go. But what I really have to let go of, is all of the shit that isn’t serving me anyway. (See above for a list of “shit.”)

I’ll have to start being kind to myself so I can be kind to someone else. I’ll have to believe I deserve love, and allow myself to love another person. I’ll have to stop being 31 going on 15, and just be 31.

I’ll have to put someone else’s needs before mine (I’m good at that) except instead of it being everyone’s needs, it will just be those of this one person whom I’ve chosen to devote myself to.

I’ll have to allow the good into my life, without sabotaging it.

I’ll have to love my body as it is, so I can experience pleasure with complete abandon.

I’ll have to stop performing and start BEING with another person. Just being. And trusting that it’s enough because it’s all there really is.

I’ll have to show up, consistently, and keep showing up – because, like everything else in life, there are no guarantees. Just two people showing up and trusting the other person to keep showing up too.

I’ll have to do what’s right for the relationship instead of what’s right for my ego.

I’ll have to communicate. Fuck up. Learn. Figure out what I need to feel good, and how to continue having that conversation so everyone feels good. THIS SHIT IS HARD. And I’m totally scared I’m going to fuck it up, roll over and forget to voice myself which will only be bad for the relationship.

But most of all, I’ll have to love. Like really, really, give myself over to it. For the sake of everyone, for the sake of my dreams, for the sake of the kind of relationship I have always wanted but never had the balls to really try on.

So here I am – I’m scared. I’m falling in love. I’m changing.

And it feels really fucking good.

Ready to make changes like Jamie?  Let’s talk turkey and create an Owner’s Manual for you.

, ,

The Real Problem With Ghosting

I am keeping it short and sweet.

Ok, not sweet because I am mildly frustrated at the daters out there.

OK, not frustrated, pissed as fuck.

Let me try that again…..WTF ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE PEOPLE?????

We need to talk about this.

Mother. Fucking. Ghosting.  

Aren’t we all above this?  Seriously?

I had not even heard the term “ghosting” until I was interviewed by an adorable 20-something blog who asked me about it.  If you don’t know what it means, it is the newfangled word for “when people seriously suck ass and are too scared to let you know they are not interested.”

I hate this shit.  This shit is what is ruining the world.  Starting wars. Melting the glaciers. Keeping the Kardashians on TV.

I might have been a little dramatic there:)  But that is how much I fucking hate it.

I am not going to rant today on ghosting and how it is fucking unacceptable and if you are out there dating and can’t let someone know in a grown up way that you are not interested you should NOT be dating.  I already wrote that article two years ago here.

What I am going to rant about is how much we let that shit get to us.  We let it take over our head space.  Question our worth.  Decide if we are lovable.  Shake our confidence to the core.

We have to stop that, because here is the simple truth.

That person that you liked, went on a couple of dates with, gave your time and energy to, were open to creating the MOST BEAUTIFUL THING ON EARTH WITH (a relationship), did not even take the time to let you know they were not interested.  Could not do a twenty second text.  A one minute facebook message.  A two minute email.  A five minute phone call.  Nothin’.

That is fucking bullshit.


Problems you do not want.  Problems that lead to lies, cheating, break-ups and divorce.  I am not even being dramatic there.  That is truth.

Your whole entire relationship, you are going to have to communicate.  Solve problems together.  Have compassion for your partner.  Do the hard stuff that makes us uncomfortable, but is necessary.  That is how love grows and healthy relationships work.

That is what we are looking for.

They have just proven to you that they can’t do that.  For whatever reason, they are not there yet.  But you don’t want to date that.  And you DEFINITELY don’t want to doubt yourself or let it truly effect your confidence.  Because they have proven that they are not in a healthy place, so why would you take the word on something as important as how you feel about yourself?

And if you are a person who is doing this behavior, check yourself!  Why aren’t you willing to be honest?  Uncomfortable?  Kind, because it is the right thing to do?  What is going on there?  You need to figure that shit out.

Because here is a truth:  you don’t get to have all of the great stuff that comes with love and relationships and not the tough, uncomfortable stuff too.  It doesn’t work that way.  You know it and I know it.

So the next time you get ghosted, it is ok to take a moment and be disappointed because you were interested.  Because you thought there was potential.  But then put it away.  Because that person just proved that they were not really ready for a relationship anyway.

So grab your prosecco and celebrate that there are awesome people who are ready and waiting to create something beautiful with you.  Let’s spend our time on that, OK Sugarpants?

I am here to help:)

, , ,

What I did right (and wrong) in the first six months of my relationship

Listen to the podcast version below.

PodcastLogo-150x150Can’t listen right now (cause we know you are probably at work!)? That’s ok, check me out on iTunes and download for your workout or commute! Check out all of our podcasts here. 

Or just read below:)

Sometimes I feel like I am on a reality show.  

A really boring reality show, mind you.

No, there is no island where you vote people off, or villa full of sexy bachelors, and the only star I get to  dance with is my cat Leroy.  He’s pretty much a legend though.  I know, you wish you knew him.

But back to the point: Relationships.

Relationships are always tricky, but dating and mating when you are a life coach who talks about love all day long has its own unique pressures.  Naturally, I want to be crushing it on all levels, all the time, because, well, I know a shit ton about how this relationship stuff should work! I’m here to speak for beautiful, healthy relationships after all – so shouldn’t my own model exactly that?

Well, sometimes I am crushing it, and sometimes I am not.

However, just like the cameras on a reality show, I am in 24/7 observation mode of how I am doing.  Yes, like my own case study.  I am my own Big Brother. Creepy, right? AND stressful.

Let me take a moment and tell you that my sweet and awesome boyfriend is super patient.  He watches me, amused, as my mind works 100 miles an hour, trying to figure out why I reacted a certain way to something.

Evaluating my own reactivity is pretty ridiculous and mildly exhausting, but fuck if I am not learning things about myself every single day.

So in the name of science (and all things ridiculous) I am going to share this case study with you.  Because I am good like that.  And I want you to know that even people who have a shit ton of knowledge and talk about this all day, every day, still have fears, freak out, lose their shit and mess up.

So here is what I did right (and wrong) in the first six months of my relationship.

Right:  Showed him who I was.  Full on.

Listen, I am a fucking handful. I am. Every part of me when I meet someone new wants to tuck a few things away that make me less than stellar.  We all have our own quirks, ways that we do things, the way we like things, personality traits, etc.  But from the beginning I was just me.  Fun but flawed.  Confident with insecurities.  A talker.  Passionate but goofy.  Now those all sounded indie movie cute, let me also get real here.  I also shared my struggles with my weight and body image right now.  My frustration with health issues.  Sadness over my Dad and his current health condition.  Also that I was messy, hate doing dishes, only wash my hair a few times a week and am in some form of pajamas 70-80% of the time. I was just absolutely me, because that person was going to come out anyway.

Why this worked:

I didn’t vomit out my life story and all of my problems the first couple times we met, that is just sabotage.  But I always showed up as myself.

It also allowed him to be absolutely him and I let him know pretty quickly in that I would like him for just him.  Because that is how I want to be liked.  I am working on things that I am not proud of, but ultimately what he saw is what he got.  And if he liked that stuff, we were in business!  So far, so good. 🙂

Right:  Took credit where credit was due.

There is a lot of blame game in relationships.  Even when we have behaved badly, we love to point fingers to the other person at what they did to illicit that response.  But no matter what happened in the first place, we are 100% responsible for our actions.  We have to learn how to acknowledge and apologize, but more importantly do the personal work to understand where those not-so-awesome actions came from.

As far as I am concerned, the thought of people “needing to handle you at your worst to deserve to have you at your best” is bullshit.  YOU need to handle you at your worst and be strong enough to step away, ask for time, talk to a friend or professional if you can’t control the words that come out of your mouth.

We all have moments-God knows I have had a few, but I apologize, learn from them and then figure out what the fuck provoked them so I can prevent them.

Because we are looking for a stable, consistent loving relationship people and it is NO ONE’S job to put up with your bullshit.  You can have a shitty day, talk about it, ask for hugs and support but you can’t lash out.  You are not 5.

Take care of that shit.

Why this worked:  

Trust is easier to build when we can observe someone who is responsible for their actions. We have less fear of getting hurt.

Right (and wrong):  Talked shit out like a mofo

You would think that someone who communicates for a living would LOVE communicating in a relationship.  Well, in fact I DO.  The moment I sniff that something is off, I am on it like blue bonnet!

Why this worked:

Right from the beginning, I set up that talking when there was even the slightest bit of a problem was the norm.  He was pretty thrown off by it because he had never been in a relationship where he worked through problems before.  But, we got really fucking good at it.  There was even a moment that we talked out a problem and hi-fived afterwards because we just kicked ass and both of us felt good.  One of us would bring the frustration and then figure out what felt good for both of us.  That kind of open communication is addicting.  We are not perfect at it, but we are pretty damn good!

When it didn’t:

Too much of a good thing is not always good thing. 😉  Although I find the psychology and human motivation in relationships beyond fascinating (even my own) enjoying the relationship is way more important.  As a chronic over-analyzer, if I am not careful I spend time thinking instead of doing.  This helps no one.

Right:  Created a support team.

In the beginning there were times where things were rocky.  And by rocky I mean I would freak out if I didn’t hear from him in the timeline I expected and if I even grabbed a sniff of getting hurt.  Honestly, it was all of my stuff from past dates and relationships.  And I knew it.

I believe that during that early time we need to have a couple of solid people in our lives as a reality check.  To talk us off the ledge, to stop us from sending that bitchy/crazy text, someone that gives us a solid outside point of view.  Because when we like someone a lot we lose a bit of reality.  As a former runner from relationships, I am so fucking scared of getting hurt that I will look for reasons.  My friends and therapists helped me keep that in check so I could show up and be great for him. And him for me.

Why this worked:

Relationships grow trust much more consistently, and faster, if people aren’t freaking the fuck out all of the time.  True story.

Right:  Asked for what I needed

As a recovering super independent person it is very hard for me to be vulnerable and ask for what I need in a relationship.  For a long time I lived in the fear of “what if I ask and they don’t want to give it”?  So I would just take on all of the shit and pretend that everything was OK.  Easier than rocking the boat, right?

Yup, until you realize that you are not really participating in the relationship or giving that person a chance to be great for you.  And if you aren’t really participating, it isn’t a real relationship.  Yeah, I fucking said it.

Want to know why people leave you easily?  Because they don’t know where to contribute.  If they can’t find a place to support you in your life, they aren’t going to stick around.  Everyone needs to feel needed in some way.

So I made a promise to myself and him, that if I was frustrated or needed something from him, I would ask for it. And told him to do the same.

And you know what?  He delivered!  It is amazing what people will do when you give them the chance to be great for you.

Why this worked:  

I got what I needed and he didn’t need to play the “guess what I am thinking” game. That game sucks and no one ever wins.  And when no one is winning, no one is happy.

The thing is, none of this was overnight.

I didn’t wake up one day and say “all is good!  I am going to be excellent in my relationships from now on!” Even with a shit-ton of knowledge of how to do this.  I had to get clear on what I really needed to feel happy.  Where my own shit was holding me back from that and how the hell to ask for it.

Without those things, you are just trying to fit yourself into other people’s ideas of a happy relationship.  That is going to get you nowhere.

After working through my stuff and getting clear, I know it is working.  How?  I am happy.  In fact we are happy.  Not because this is perfect, but because this is real and we are creating a partnership that works towards a better future. One where love can grow.

Now that is a reality show worth watching.

, ,

Do you know how to solve problems in your relationship?


One part crazy smitten. And one part scared shitless.

Zero parts “acting cool while liking someone.”

Here’s the thing…

This thing.  This new “like” – was totally unexpected.  I had no idea it was coming.

Prior to this, I had done a great job shutting off my emotions as I took care of my business (and myself). Dealing with the continuing journey of my father’s illness this year had been more than enough to handle.

So when someone great showed up, obviously, the walls shot up.

And by walls, I mean: forms of doubt in my head.

Like… I am not ready for this now, right?  Am I in a place where I can even create a relationship?  Fuck, I don’t even feel pretty right now. I haven’t kissed anyone in months.  Am I strong enough to do this?

Am I going to fuck this up?

Honest answer?  I sure hope not.

Because through all of the scared and the walls and the doubts that were (and are) showing up, there is a light of hope shining through. That light, which is always refreshing, is when two people are honest and real from the beginning.

And fuck if that is not totally grand.  

Is there anything more beautiful than two people willing to be themselves and ask for what they need?

Two real people showing up with all of their goods and not-so-goods.

Laying it all out there.

And just so we’re clear, that doesn’t mean it’s perfect.

In the process of being real and scared there are going to be hiccups.  Moments.  I have already had a couple.

But in this personal case study of me dating, I continue to learn and reconfirm important ideas.  So this is your lesson of the week, Sugarpants.

It is not the “moments or hiccups” that are bound to happen in anything real that matter to me anymore. It is the after.

It is how we talk it through.

How we solve the problem.

How we respect and care about each other enough to make sure that we are moving forward and feeling good.

Because if we are really doing this thing called creating a relationship (and so far we really are) we will be solving problems again and again.  It’s just part of the gig.

And as we sat there on Monday night after a “moment”, facing each other. Sitting cross-legged on the hallway floor.  Holding hands.  Smiling, searching and scared, something happened.  We talked about our fears.  Our insecurities.  We kicked down a few more bricks in those walls.

As a former “runner“, the beauty of this does not escape me.

I am reminded that the goal isn’t to be perfect.  To not have problems.  To not be scared in something as powerful as the potential of love and a healthy relationship.

It is to be able to work through those “moments” when they show up.

Because this isn’t a movie. It’s real life. And those moments are bound to happen.

Working through them, openly and honestly…

I don’t know if there is anything more stunning than that.  I can’t wait to find out.

, ,

The Truth About Settling

Well fuck.

I feel like I can’t walk out the door or check my facebook lately withouts seeing/hearing/reading a lot of shit about “settling” when it comes to love and relationships.

You may have seen it too.  Picture quotes all over exclaiming!

Don’t settle!

Never settle!

Stop settling!

They drive me absolutely cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

So I have a few thoughts I want to share about “settling” today.  Some  grievances to air.  Some bones to pick.  There may be a rant or two in here, so you might want to sit down.

It starts with this.

What the fuck does that even mean?  Please! For the love of God, please tell me!

Or as the brilliant Inigo Montoya said “You keep using that word.  I do not think that means what you think that means.”

Don’t settle?  Never settle?  FOR WHAT?????  What the fuck do you think you are settling for?

Please do share, people that shout this from the mountain tops!  What are you supposedly settling for?

Settling for a fellow human being?

Someone who is trying the best that can?

Someone who is fighting their own battle every single day?

Someone who is flawed, imperfect…just like you?

But most importantly, is a person that you have chosen to see/date/hook-up with?

No one here is a victim of dating without their knowledge.  You didn’t trip and fall into a relationship.

Just didn’t happen.

And do you know how much of an asshole you sound like when you say shit like that? ” Settling” for another human being is ridiculously disrespectful. That as a fellow human they are not worth your time, energy or love.

They are just a person who may not be in the same place as you or able to create a relationship with you.

BRAND SPANKING NEW GENIUS IDEA!!!!  So, how about you don’t date those people and in the process quit shaming them for not being your thing, in your space or at the same time in their journey.

Yeah, please stop doing that.

So, let’s get some truth out there.  Shall we?

When we talk about settling we need to stop talking about other people.   Like they are the problem.

You are not a victim of your life when it comes to dating and relationships.  You are living out the consequences of YOUR choices.  You get to decide if you are welcoming amazing people into your life or not.

So, I want you to do me a favor today and replace the word “settling” with the word “choosing”.  Because that is actually what is happening here.

You are choosing to be or not be with a person.

You are choosing to ask or not ask for what you need.

You are choosing to set up or not set up healthy boundaries that take care of you.

You are choosing to create a relationship that works, feels good and moves forward or not.

When we use the word choosing, it gets you out of passive victim mode and into “I own my choices and where they lead me mode”.

When you are choosing you can’t “settle”.  It is impossible.

Plus, want to know what I see about those people who are not settling?

They are sitting alone, sadly in the corner waiting for someone who is not going to come.  Waiting for the perfect.  Waiting to be fucking completed.

They don’t want to admit it but they are looking for someone else make their world right.  Make them lovable.  Make them feel special.  Because they don’t know how to do it themselves.

So it is super fucking easy to sit back, judge others and exclaim “I am not settling!”

Or when they are in a relationship they feel like they are because they haven’t taken the time to know what they need and figured out how to ask for it from their partner.

Who most likely wants to know you and make you happy.  If you actually let them know how to do it.  Because it turns out that men are not mind readers.  Who knew?

Because when you are in the true space of love you see that the imperfections is where love exists.  Where we can support and appreciate each other.  Our job is to have a beautiful, working relationship.  Not a perfect one.

That starts with two people committing, meeting each other halfway, communicating and working through their problems together.  Showing up for each other every. single. day.

I don’t think that is settling, that is real.  That is stunning.

Sign me up.


, , ,



I love my iphone.

It’s an iphone 5. Next to my macbook, it’s one of my favorite possessions.

If an electronic device could complete me, it would be my iphone.

It helps me do my banking, connect with friends, run my business, play walkie talkie with my life coach buddies, work out, listen to music.  It is the Beloved Wesley to my Buttercup.  I fucking love it.

However, I have also noticed that it is also really kicking my ass and holding me back from the real world.  

You remember the real world, right?  Where things like making out, water fights and other cool shit happens?  Man, I love making out.

More importantly the real world is where we all have conversations where we can actually see people’s faces and hear  intonations in the other person’s voice. You know, so we get what’s being said and don’t just jump on the crazy train?

Fuck.  Trust me, I get it.  Dating can be hard.  But I gotta tell you, we make it harder than it is.

Gather round boys and girls, it is story time where Kira shares her own personal tales  and looks like an asshole for your learnin’.  It’s kind of like Reading Rainbow….but for singles.

Let’s start at the beginning (it’s a very good place to start.  Yes, that just happened.)

I kinda like a boy.  A whole lotta kinda.

It’s new, it’s fresh, it’s unexpected and I’m currently somewhere in-between the 24/7 excited/nervous phase.

But as I put myself out there for the first time in a long time, fuck if I’m not learning a shit-ton about myself.  It is always an eye opening personal case study. I examine what I think I have figured out and make huge realizations about lots of stuff I haven’t!

And this time it is about fucking texting.

TEXTING!!!!  (Shaking fists at the air)

Something I have been so dead against in dating and relationships and it somehow snuck in.  I don’t even know when or where, it just did.

Most of my clients will tell you that when they first start dating, I advise to not use text.  Maybe a “I’m running late for dinner” kind of text but nothing that has emotion or is communicating anything that could be misconstrued.  Because shit – if that isn’t the stupidest reason for a new, exciting something to end!  Because of a fucking text.

But there I was, phone in hand last week, wondering where the fuck my texts were.


Now, of course, I am reasonably smart at this dating thing.  I am open, honest, try to be kind in everything I do AND keep my expectations in check.

But after 48 hours of not hearing from him….I had somehow managed to convince myself that he wasn’t interested.  I was kicking him to the curb in my mind.  Super annoyingly talking my friends’ ears off.  Talking about “concerns” that was really me trying to talk myself out of “the like.”

But here is the crazy pants part!  Only 2 days before, he had told me he was interested, numerous times, in real life!!!! Face to face!  With the sweetest kiss in the history of mankind to follow it!  

What the fuck is wrong with me???

Here I was, believing bullshit stories in my head about what the proper amount of texting is – without sharing it with him!

This is where I went wrong. It wasn’t about the texting.

I had let my fears in, and kids: they have no place hanging out in your head when you are trying to create love.

All of my past experiences had crept up on me. They flashed in front of my eyes, reminding of the guys that never called.  Never followed up.  Never did what they said they would do.  It was like a bad movie starring Mindy Kaling and Paul Rudd.  And I love Paul Rudd.

But looking at the male gender as a whole is pretty fucking stupid. No two men are really the same. And god knows I don’t want to be clumped in with the type of women who say their sole purpose in life is to be pampered and wear shirts that say “Princess” or “Diva”.  Yuck.

So when I finally saw him a few days later, it took everything in me not to make some snarky comment about not hearing from him much this week.  I checked myself before I wrecked myself. I did bring it up. But in a nice way. And you know what? He just looked at me and plainly said, “I am just not much of a texter.  I should have told you that.”


All of that inner turmoil for nothing. But even though the subconscious sabotage made an unwanted appearance, I am now able to jump off the crazy train and buy the big girl ticket for the sane train.  It’s never too late to ride the sane train. So I walked my talk, I did what I would tell my clients to do. I said “thank you for letting me know that” and then I asked him for a favor.  I let myself be vulnerable and asked for what I knew I needed.

I said, “for my sanity’s sake can you check in every day?  Nothing big, just to let me know you are thinking about me and still interested.”

He said yes.

It is surprising how smooth things can go when you ask for what you need 🙂

What are you not asking for?   Why the fuck not?

, ,



We can’t keep living like this.

School shootings.  Overdoses.  Politics.  Suicides…


I don’t have enough background or knowledge to give you detail after detail on each situation that is happening, however,  I can tell you, that there is something swimming around in our society that is creating this behavior and we are the only ones who can stop it.

And it all starts with love.

Although we all say we are out there trying to find it, most songs are sung about it, movie and TV plots created around it, even the ridiculous amount of quotes on facebook every day talking about it (yes, I know I do it), we really aren’t that fucking good at giving and receiving it on a daily basis.  And we straight up fully suck ass at sharing it with people who we don’t know.

Here is the truth.  We don’t really like ourselves that much anymore.  

Someone, somewhere started setting up some ridiculous standards a while ago about how we should look, act, learn, live, parent, etc and when we don’t fit that mold, there is something wrong with us.  So somewhere deep down we believe that if we don’t keep striving for those things, we won’t be loved.  By a significant other, our parents, our children or anyone.

So we create these fucked up things/places/groups that supposedly keep us safe, distract or even numb while we are working daily for all of these perfect ideals that don’t actually exist or make anyone happy.  They are comfort zones. Those comfort zones can look many ways but include: unhealthy relationships and friendships, toxic groups and beliefs, unhappy jobs, drinking and drugs, unhealthy relationships with food, etc.

We are all trying so hard not to feel the real feelings of life which can hurt.  However, those real feelings can also feel amazing.  Yin and yang, baby.

Because of that unhappiness and our fucked-up view of what we are supposed to be, we constantly judge others not like us or those ideals.  Tearing people down online and off.  Finding a little bit of some smug joy that “we have it more figured out than they do.”

HA!  Look how superior we are!  We are definitely going to some level of Special Heaven where prettier, skinnier people with nicer things go!

But we are getting this wrong.

Until we start liking ourselves enough to love and be loved we are spreading judgement and sometimes even hate in our society.

You may think that just by “doing your thing” everyday, that you are not hurting anyone.  OK, I am not going to say whether that is true or not…hello!  This is an article on judging!  But it is the complacency that is killing us.  The “I am not happy but it is easier to stay in my bubble, not rock the boat and just hope that things change” bullshit that is ALLOWING the world to keep on spinning into this sadness.

Someone fucking tell me now so I can just start upping my day drinking.  Are we going to ignore the hunger and poverty, right here in our own country?  Are we not going to acknowledge the abuse and neglect that happens to children and animals probably within 2 miles of your house?  The addictions and mental illness?  All of it?

Something’s fucking gotta give.

I am simply a life coach.  One who works with singles.  I am not going to pretend to know how to solve the world’s problems such as the environment, world economics, hunger, poverty, abuse and addiction.  However, I believe in a very simple idea that I do think changes the world.  Love.

Starting with liking yourself enough to have enough to be able to give to others.  To connect.  To create a place where we aren’t scared of each other but instead supporting each other to grow, learn and love.

I would be a pretty shitty life coach if I didn’t share some even small ideas on how to change this.  And I am not going to tell you to fucking meditate or do yoga.  Those are great things that I do believe in, but let’s get back to some basics here.

Here is where we can start to change the world.

1.  Do (at least) three things a day that are things you absolutely love and are passionate about.

That can look however you want it to, but it can not be some 30-second bullshit.  It should be real things.

If you are already saying that you don’t have time, get a grip!  How about starting with the 10 things you are doing that you hate to do?  If you are now going to whine about your significant other and kids remember this simple thought:  You have to put yourself at least tied for first priority in your life.

Plus,  how great of a parent/significant other are you being when you are exhausted and unhappy all the time? Nobody actually cares about all the stuff you are worried about and who cares?  That is their shit, not yours.

2.  Do (at least) 3 things a day for strangers.

Do not start over-thinking this.  I know you do that oh-so-well:)

Start with making eye contact, say hello and smiling. Go out of your way to give a compliment. Buy someone a coffee.  If you want, let it grow when you stop doing the 10 things you hate to do mentioned in the above paragraph.

If you do this just 3 times a day regularly, I promise that it will become the best addiction you have ever had and you are changing your life.  Bonus: you are changing other’s lives too.

Screw Random Acts of Kindness we need Regular Acts of Kindness!

3.  Stop fucking multi-tasking.

You are not actually getting that much shit done and usually it is half-assed.  There is research that people who remain present in their tasks and life are happier and feel more satisfaction.

Another simple way to change lives?  Give your full attention to the people you are with and talking to.  Now go get your Staples button and say “that was easy.”

4.  Be Kind Online

Here is a rule that I am making up right here, right now and hope the world follows it from this point on.

If you are not willing to sit across from a person, look them in the eye and say something, you can’t blog it, tweet it or leave it as a comment. Period. 

The anonymity of online has allowed hatred to grow and be spewed in horrible, toxic ways.  We need to stop that shit…yesterday.

I don’t care if you don’t like an opinion, article or blog post, there are nice ways to share your opinion or give constructive criticism.  You haven’t lived their life or had their experiences.  Stop pretending like you know more than they do.  And if you do know more? Write your own fucking blog!  You should then be a superstar!!!  Congratu-fucking-lations!

Listen, I do not have it all figured out and take the blame for our world on my shoulders just as much as the next person.  But I am sitting here, writing this on a Sunday night and ready to commit to these things.  Because I just turned 40 and I am going to stop fucking around.

I am here to change the world with love.

and clearly swearing:)

Who’s fucking with me?

Want the easiest way to change the world?  Join the League!  An FREE group program that changes the world by changing ourselves.  Let me be the Miyagi to your Ralph Macchio.  

, ,



Seriously, we are getting to the point where this is ridiculous.

If I hear one more person tell me how they want men to step up, plan the date, take the lead, grow a pair, I am going to spit out my champagne….and you do NOT want to make me spit out my champagne.  It is “my precious”.

But I’m all kinds of riled up. And I am going to tell you why…

I don’t have this blog or my business to give you stupid tips and tricks about online dating or what to wear.  I don’t give a fuck what you wear.  If you want a tip about that, here it goes.   Wear something from Star Wars.  Or some good 80s movie like The Princess Bride.  And then definitely post it online for my entertainment.  Yes, please do that, cause that shit’s hilarious.

If that’s what you want, this article is NOT for you. Scoot.

This article is for those of you who want to have a real conversation about love and relationships. For those of you who want to stop reducing the search for  the most significant relationship in your life to an awkward dinner interview. If that sounds like you-you are in the right place.  Come sit over here by me, Sugarpants.

And today,  I have a big topic.  One that is not going to make you very happy.  But guess what? I am not here to make you happy. I am here to get you to think about what might not be working and how to change it.

If that pisses you off, I am ok with it. So go ahead and be pissed at me.

Then when you’re done being angry… actually process what I’m about to say and see if it is at all applicable to you.  If it’s not, yay for you!  Your trophy is coming in the mail.

In all the things I work on with my clients, classes and in The League, I want to shout this one from the mountaintops!  Are you ready for this? This is big.

It is time we give guys a break.  And I mean fucking immediately.

You might be thinking, “but they’re the problem!” Nope. Wrong.

There seems to be some weird urban legend that guys were pulled into a special room in 6th grade and shown the filmstrip of their lives!  One that included lessons on how to date, read women’s minds, ask them out, every detail of the female anatomy and also – how to not have insecurities in dating and relationships.  That must have been some fucking filmstrip!  (I wonder if Morgan Freeman narrated….that shit would be awesome.)

News Flash:  After lots and lots of research on the interwebs and conversations with guys I know, it turns out this film strip does not exist.  I repeat: it does not exist!

So this leaves us with one thing….it turns out guys do not have a clue what they are doing either!  

I know…..fuck.

In fact, I even have a theory about their cluelessness.

Are you ready for it?

If these men have not witnessed a good relationship (and, uh, most of us haven’t) and don’t have many close friends that they can talk shit out with, they are totally on their own.




Kinda freaked out.

Because they want love too whether they admit it or not.  We all do.  

60 years ago and pretty much forever before that, guys kind of knew what their roles were.  It was practically carved out for them.  They knew what was expected of them and how to be in a relationship.

But things have seriously changed.  I am in no way saying for the worse, I just think we have all lost our footing a little bit. Men and women.  We’re not sure where we stand or what our roles are. We don’t really know what relationships should look like or even feel like anymore.

Truthfully, we are just not really sure how to do this love thing! This is why we need to start having smart conversations around this.

And that is what I am doing here.

See, in this new world of gender roles, many guys are left scratching their head,  unsure what to do.

Do they open doors or not?

Plan the date?

Offer to pay?

Take your hand?

Go in for the kiss at the end of the date?

I think we all know the sting of “trying” for something and having a big fat turndown.  That feels like total shit and can even leave us questioning if we want to do this.  And dude, we are talking about love.  Of course we want to do this!

But it is all kinds of fucked up for guys.

They haven’t stopped being chivalrous, we just don’t know what chivalrous is anymore!

Think on this….what works with one person does not seem to work with the next!  The poor guy just figured out their last girlfriend and now it turns out their new one works COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY!  Who would do that???

What is this? The seventh level of hell???

I realize after coaching lots of guys that we women can seem like an unsolvable, completely inconsistent puzzle where they play to win but often end up losing. All they really need, all they’re really waiting for, is *drumroll please* for us to tell them what we need!!  HA!  Right?  Like that is going to happen!  We have been brainwashed by Hollywood that the “right guy” can read your mind and just know what you want.

Yup, that is what real love looks like to most women.  Someone who has super powers, can read your mind, and has nothing better to do with their day than find ways to be romantic for you and figure you out.

Le sigh.

How about this for real love instead?

Someone who is amazing enough to ask you questions, listen to your answers and keeps showing up every day because we all are a little quirky and are not AMAZING all the time.

So the next time you sit around complaining about guys, I want you to think about this.

You know how you are uncomfortable waiting for that phone call or text?  

Imagine having to be the one who has to always make it.

Not knowing if the number you got was real.

If they are going to answer back.

If they are actually interested.

If they are going to be nice.

Because for all the shit talk I hear about players and stuff, let me tell you, there are SO many women who are NOT NICE ABOUT THIS!!!

Which is bullshit, by the way. So here’s my new rule for you, ladies.

You can’t sit here and bitch that you want guys to step it up.  Approach you.  Ask you out.  Be chivalrous.  Take the lead and do all of the things when you aren’t stepping up. You can’t give fake numbers, lie about why you are not interested or just drop off the face of the earth without any reason at all.

And this also goes for your friends who do that shit. If you see it and allow it,  you are part of the problem.  You are helping to create the “the population of fucked up.”  For all of our sakes…let’s please stop this bullshit.

Because even the nice guys can only take so much.  And after awhile, they stop wanting to be nice guys or just give up.

We women need to be part of the solution.

So how do you do that? Would I leave you hanging?  Nope.

1.  Know what the fuck you need and learn how to have the confidence to express it.  This isn’t being bossy or needy, it is being smart and creating a successful relationship.  They need to learn this from you.  (you know this is what I do in the Owner’s Manual, right?

2.  Stop putting weird expectations on men and relationships.  They are human.  They have flaws.  So do you.  They don’t know what they are doing either.  So how about you work together to see what you can create.

3.  Be kind and honest.  Not interested, that’s ok.  Just actually let them know in a kind way.  If you have hung out a few times, be honest why.  They may make changes to be a better dater or boyfriend. Everybody wins!!!

It is time that we work together to not only change ourselves but the way we all date.  Only we can change the culture, the expectations and more importantly the results.    It doesn’t have to be this hard.

Tonight, give the guys you know a hug.  They need it.  They are doing the best they can.

Let’s give them a break, shall we?

, ,


You know what I think is funny?

Well actually British comedies that make you feel slightly uncomfortable, this SNL skit, and Louis CK.  I love Louis CK.

But you want to know what else?

People who say that they want amazing love and a healthy relationship and then do nothing in their life that reflects that.

And I mean nothing.

What does that look like?  Oh I will tell you what that looks like.  You know I am bossy like that.

*Not having a fucking clue of what you need in a relationship to feel good and thrive so you keep thinking…“well this one seems to to fit” and you spend weeks/months with them only to be disappointed again.

*Not taking care of your shit and wounds from your childhood and past relationships, so you keep creating bullshit relationships and then playing the victim when they don’t work out.  Man, does that shit get old.

(I have a personal rule that I think should be shouted from the mountaintops.  You get until 30 years old to blame other people and then it is time to put on the big girl/boy pants and get therapy/coaching like the rest of us.)

PS.  Getting help or support to make changes is not weak!  Pretending you don’t need it and leaving a wake of broken crappy relationships is.

*Being so excited that you set up zero boundaries in the beginning to make sure that they like you and then when the real you leaks out (as it is going to) everyone is confused why you all of a sudden don’t want to do their laundry or actually like sports.

*Sleeping with someone because it “feels good” when you know jack shit about the person.  Thinking that because you have chemistry you have love.  (spoiler alert: when you have chemistry, you have chemistry.  Yay you!  That has very little to do with a relationship.)

*Better yet, thinking that just because you want to make out 24/7 with someone in the beginning that they will automatically be a great boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife or PARENT!  What does your libido have to do with the family you create together?  Seriously???

I mean, what the fuck is everyone doing?  Why does every usually brilliant person I know turn off their fucking brain when it comes to love and relationships?

I feel like everyone is trying to make chicken salad from chicken shit!

So today I ask you one simple question that can help start fixing this situation…..what is your goal?

If it is to have crazy, amazing chemistry and to be obsessively in love with each other.  Awesome!  I am not judging you.  That is great!

Just do me (and you) a favor.  Let’s just stop pretending that crazy amazing chemistry automatically turns into a relationship.  And let’s stop being disappointed when that doesn’t last forever.


It would be exhausting if it did.

I mean would we even have electricity, cars or most inventions if we all lived in that obsessive love phase all of the time?  We would all be fucking!!!  All of the time.  That is it!  It would be like Game of Thrones 24/7!!

So stop acting like that is love and that is what relationships are based on.  It is not.  But because of some fucked up Hollywood bullshit we think that is what love and relationships look like.

That love is feeling butterflies all of the time.

Or that it comes instantly and “you will know it when you see it” bullshit.

That they will just know, understand and “get you”.  Seriously?  How does that even make sense?

Life is fucking messy.  So are relationships.  They are made up of two very flawed human beings with scars and fears.  And that is completely ok.

So let me break this down for you.  I need you to sit down today and figure out your goal.

Is it crazy love?  Super fucking duper!  Just know you are going to be looking for someone new to get that “fix” about every year to year and a half.  No big deal, that is just how obsessive love works.

Is it a committed relationship?  Well, hot dog!  Good for you Sugarpants!  That is a great but lofty goal nowadays.

So…..a couple of things.

a) You need to take care of your shit so you are not just reacting to the person day after day.  

Taking everything personally and just hoping that your relationship works.  Freaking the fuck out over everything.  Nitpicking your partner because of values that your parents had but they don’t.  Playing some weird ass power plays.  Waiting for your partner to read your mind.  That shit is exhausting and not really a relationship.

The couples I know who are making this work,and I am lucky to know a few, don’t doubt that it will work out because they are 100% fucking in this!  They are a team.  Partners in crime.  All in.  And working  together to fix whatever problems come up.  That is what commitment actually means.

I think my friend Kate Swoboda said it best in a recent interview for The League.  She said that from the beginning of their relationship she and her husband had the same two shared values.  1) That nobody has one foot out the door and 2) that when things get tough they go to couples therapy right away.  With those shared values, they were able to work through lots of tough things.  See where that might come in handy?

b)  Know what you NEED to thrive in that relationship.

How do you communicate?

How do you fight?

What is the best way to solve problems for you?

What kind of daily support do you need?

How do you feel about finances?  Sex? Having fun together?

What are your day to day values so you are both working together towards common goals?

If you don’t know these answers how the fuck do you plan on having this amazing relationship?  Are they just supposed to know stuff that you don’t even know?  In what world does that even make sense?

I don’t believe people fall out of love or stop loving each other.  Their relationship changed and they didn’t do the work up front to change with it.  And getting to know the core of each other.

c)  Do you have realistic expectations so that your partner can just be his/herself?

Not the weird media-driven bullshit stories you have made up in your head.  Where you fall into this beautiful and romantic relationship without having any tough conversations up front.

Do you know why my grandparents had a super wonderful relationship?  They didn’t expect that much.  They each had a well defined role, they walked into it just wanting a nice boy/girl from down the road and then enjoyed each other’s company.  That is pretty much it.

We are complicating the fuck out of everything. 

So what is your goal?

Crazy attraction?  A beautiful relationship?  Figure it out!

In the meantime….are you living a life that is going to get you there?


, , ,


So last week was pretty fucking amazing.

After years of hoping and wondering how to create a kick-ass, yet affordable, group that embraces life in ridiculous ways and better themselves….it all came to fruition last Sunday.

The League of Adventurous Singles (my new upcoming brand, by the way) launched last week with 60 members from around the world and I hope it keeps on growing.

Now, if I can just open a camp where singles from around the world can all come regularly.  And we can canoe, play capture the flag and have wine in a water cooler so it is on tap, my business life will be complete!

But I digress.

So, after I launched it at noon last Sunday, it all went pretty darn smoothly.  I added new members.  Sorted out some registration issues.  Welcomed people with the most ridiculous video I have ever created.


And after things settled down for a bit, I got in my car and drove an hour and a half to see my Dad in the hospital.  Where he has been since January 11th, when an infection nearly took his life.

I am actually sitting and typing this from his hospital room while he sleeps.

It was a rough morning of emotional outbursts of anger and swearing mixed with uncontrollable sobbing as he tries to comprehend what exactly has happened for about the 200th time. Sometimes he gets it, sometimes he is doesn’t.

Physically, his body has changed.  He still has a healing time of at least 6 months.  But the 5 months in the hospital has made him weak.  So he can’t walk anymore or barely stand.  Until he can stand and walk he can’t come home and see “his kitties” that he talks about every day.

We have no idea at this point if he will ever mentally be the father we once knew.  A beyond brilliant, but fragile man who loved The Goonies and Adventures in Babysitting, knew everything about cars and would call me about five times a day to just ask what I was doing.

I would kill for one of those calls now.

I am exhausted.  Emotionally and physically.  And I have nothing on my Mom who is with him at least five days a week or my sister who works all week and then visits on the weekend.

We have all had breakdowns and tantrums over the last couple of months and we just accept it.

On my good days, I just try to be happy he is still alive and and appreciate the time with him.  Even if it doesn’t feel like him.  On my rough days, I am tired, sad, sick of hospitals and that fucking smell, pissed off at things and downright not the version of myself that feels like I can take on the world.

I miss her.

I have filtered out friends, because you figure out who you really want to talk to when something like this happens.  Cancelled more than a few appointments with friends, clients and peers.  Taken a hard look at my life and then just ignored it because I don’t have the energy to actually deal with anything.

I have no idea what is going to happen to my Dad.  I have no idea if he will ever come home.  I have no idea if he will ever be back to a version of himself.  There are glimpses, but who knows.

I am not writing this as a sob story to have people feel sorry for me.

Many people deal with similar things with parents or loved ones.  Hell, I even hear stories regularly of friends or acquaintances who are personally dealing with cancer or diseases.  My life is easy compared to them.

But as I walk through my day, online and off, I realize that right now I am not the funny, reasonably charming, fierce as fuck force to be reckoned with who is hellbent on changing the world with love, swearing and scavenger hunts:)

I have moments where I am grumpy, introverted and hurting.

I have moments where I am am socializing with friends and feel guilty for taking that time for myself.

I have moments where I am pissed off that my Dad isn’t trying harder at physical therapy and is not his old self.

And in those moments I am not always pleasant Suzy Sunshine that I used to be and feel like I am failing at life.    I occasionally snap at people.  I have flipped off more than a few drivers.  I have yelled at my family.  Freaked out on a guy and made some questionable decisions.

And those people who judge me and may think I am a bitch.  Unfriendly.  Grumpy.  Disconnected.  They don’t know me.  They don’t know my story.  They have no idea of the life I am living right now.

And rarely do they ask.

Because in so many ways, we have stopped talking to each other.  We think we know people through their facebook posts, pictures and checkins. We judge people by the way they look, the car they drive, the job they have, the clothes they wear, where they shop, how much they weigh, who they date, what kind of pet they have.  The list goes on and on.

And you know what?  We don’t know fucking shit about anything.  Absolutely fucking nothing.

Most days you have NO idea of the battles that each person faces.

The struggles that they have.

The sadness, frustrations and worry that occupy their mind.

The pain they may be working through.

And we just sit back and judge them because that is so much easier.  It keeps us safe in our comfort zone.  Allows us to look at life in black and white.


She is this.  He is that.

This person seems to have enough of these qualities to get to hang out with me and that person does not.

It is fucked.

Every person has a story.  Every person is a complicated mix of emotions, reactions, projections and life experiences that make them so much more than we can see or even learn right away.

So how do we change this shittiness?

1.  Stop thinking you can tell if someone is great for you in the first 5 minutes.  The only thing you can tell in 5 minutes is that you are attracted to someone.  Woohoo!  Good for you!  Your trophy is in the fucking mail!

For the rest of us who are wanting relationships that last longer than the span of a fruit fly, be open to attractions that come slowly.  Are you looking for a relationship or a fuck?  You tell me.

If it is a relationship, are you living a life that is going to get you the relationship you want?  Think on that.

2.  Walk around with this sentence in your head at all times.  I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THAT PERSON IS DEALING WITH, SO I AM JUST GOING TO BE KIND.  I didn’t say you have to kiss their ass, be their best friend or date them.  Just be respectful.  Here is a big fucking reminder.  “Those who are the hardest to love need it the most.”  

3.  Buy into the unknown.  There is no fucking crystal ball.  You have no idea on a daily basis who is going to change your life.  You are hoping it is the cute guy’s profile online that you have been flirting with, but it might be the funny but sloppy co-worker that you never really considered before.  Or your barista.  Or the person that fixes your car.  You have no idea the impact that different people will play on your life until you actually let them.

This starts with talking to everyone.  Smiling.  Asking questions.  Collecting stories.  Just like we do in the League.

What part of your life do people not see?  What are you holding back?


, ,


So this is it.

Everything I feel like I have been working towards…maybe my whole life starts tomorrow.  Dramatic, I know.  But true.

I think I may have always been a little different than the average bear.

In life, I have always leaned towards the fun in situations.  In fact, the first portion of my work life was working with kids.  Running programs for them on cruise ships and at camps.  I loved it.

The ability to create a special place, a community, where they could re-invent themselves.  Be someone they never thought they were.  Push themselves in ways they never thought possible.

Change in the most beautiful ways.

All from just showing up and joining in on the fun.

Whether it was a water fight, practicing a skit, capture the flag or the amazing things that happened around that campfire, they were able to dive in first to the fun.  Let go of their inhibitions.  Be in the moment and just enjoy it.

Close their eyes and trust that everything was going to be just fine….

When did we stop doing that?

When did we give up our child-like curiosity?

When did we give up the NO FEAR attitude of a new adventure?

When did we stop looking at this world as a place to explore?  To embrace?  To climb all over like a jungle gym?

When did we get so scared of everyone around us? 

When did we buy into the fear?

It is time that we stop.

Because as I have said so many times before….

“What starts in fear will never end in love.”

When we move through life based in fear and the idea that it will hurt us, it probably will.

When we move through life based in love, you never know what amazing will show up.

The love for yourself.

Love for who you want to be.


Love for the world.

That is why I have created The League.

Because I want to start creating these experiences for adults.  And why not for singles?  A time in your life where you could use the push, the community, the fun and the reminder to begin in love.

So let’s fucking do this.

It is time to get passionate about life, make new friends, find the fun and start creating the life you have always wanted.

For you and for the amazing people (maybe someone special) you are going to meet while you have your adventures along the way.


Check out The League here.

If you have ANY questions, feel free to email me at The League


ps. I think one of the scavenger hunt participants said it best…

“Fear has ruled long enough in my life. What do I mean? Fear of what people think, fear of going to hell for (just about anything), fear of not finding love, fear of not pleasing people enough, fear of being homeless, fear of losing my job, fear of my child dying, fear of not having a man….and the list is endless. This hunt has shown that by conquering fears, like lunch alone by myself, I will survive and grow in the process. Giving into my fear, I lack courage. I want to leave a legacy to my daughter to be fearless. Part of being fearless is being vulnerable.”

Sarah, Denver



OK…I admit it and I am not proud.

I used to really like Bad Boys.

No, I am not a huge fan of tattoos.  I am pretty accident-prone, so motorcycles scare the heck out of me.  I think black leather is a bit cheesy.  And piercings?  All I can say is OUCH!

However, for years, I had this image in my head of what a bad boy looks like (probably from the movie Grease when I was 5) and because I never dated anyone who looked like the above description I thought I wasn’t dating bad boys.

Boy, was I totally and completely wrong.

It turns out, bad boys are everywhere and you probably aren’t recognizing the because they may be disguising themselves as normal guys you work with and hang out with every day.  They could be cute co-workers, guys you volunteer with, soulful musicians, accountants, passionate artists and even the adorable nerds that make you want to understand advanced math.

Wait, what are you saying?  If even the adorable nerdy guys can be bad boys, is there any hope?

Why yes, yes there is.

Gather round…let me share a personal story.

My flavor of “bad boy” was disguised as the passionate, creative, wicked smart, super funny, cute guys.  10 extra points if they had a good accent.

Witty banter flowed like boxed wine and I always got a little stumbly when they would go into their 10 minute soliloquy on what they were really passionate about–usually music.  They made me laugh, think and smile.  They led me through some of the most romantic and swooning moments of my life.

You are probably thinking….wait!  I like that kind of  guy too.

I mean, who doesn’t?

What I am forgetting to mention (and loved to completely ignore) is that along with these fun qualities they also were brooding, narcissistic, passive-aggressive, non-communicators, completely emotionally unavailable and honestly…a little lost.

But don’t worry ladies…I could save them!  And kept trying over and over, thinking I was the exception–just like every Rom-Com told me.  I had exactly what they needed to realize their full potential. I was the one who could change them.

I would love them until they loved themselves!  

le sigh.

But in between the rare swooning moments, they took me on the constant roller coaster ride of wondering where we stood and how they felt. One moment we were all about each other, the next I didn’t hear from them for days.  Always left feeling sad, confused, frustrated and lonely.

I wanted to give up.  

But there was always a charming “bad boy” around the corner ready to take me on the roller coaster ride.

It took years of crying in my cornflakes, exhausting my friendships as they were forced to listen to conversation after conversation of confusion and frustration, that I finally had to get real with myself.

If I was riding on this dating roller coaster, I had to admit to myself that I was the one buying the ticket and I was going have to be the one to stop the ride.

It started by admitting that these so-called “bad boys” are not actually that bad.

At the end of the day, they were truly great guys who I don’t think ever meant to hurt me or lead me on.  They just hadn’t worked out their own crap to be able to be great for me and create a relationship.  Somewhere along the way they were not set-up for dating and relationship success.  They probably were not raised in a positive environment where it was ok to share their feelings.  They weren’t taught dating and relationship skills and overall, they didn’t even know what to do to be in a successful relationship.

Most of us don’t.

I couldn’t ignore that they also wanted to connect and feel love.  We all do.  They just weren’t in a place to do that successfully.

Funniest part is, many of them even warned me that they were not looking for a relationship for exactly these reasons.  However, I didn’t care….I believed that “Love Conquers All!!!”

LOVE would save the day!

All we needed was LOVE!

Um…..so heads up.  That is BS.

Because when I didn’t set up healthy boundaries, ask for what I needed, watch for signs of unhealthy behavior and walk away when it was not working…love couldn’t grow or even show up.

Blaming them just kept me in a place where I could be the perfect victim in the world of my own creation.  If it was all their fault, it wasn’t on me and that meant I wasn’t broken…right?

But playing the victim kept me in that sad, frustrated, unhappy place where nothing changed.  And if nothing changed I still didn’t get love.

It was on me to step back and look at my role in the situations.  If I wanted the situation to change, I had to change.

I needed to: 

Dig in on why I was getting into these situations.  Because what I was attracted to was obviously not working.

Figure out why I kept pushing away the guys who really liked me an would show up consistently. Because I did that. 

Find out what I needed to actually feel good in a relationship.  Because it is different for everyone.

Have the confidence to ask for what I needed.  Because I would hide my needs when I liked someone and it left me feeling lost and empty.

Most importantly, I needed to slow down, watch for unhealthy signs and be able to walk away if it isn’t working.

Because love and dating are not so scary if you know how to choose the right people and walk away if they aren’t ready to be great for you.  

Once I did that, I was able to spot the “great guy” who was available and ready to create an amazing relationship with me.  One where I wake up every day knowing I am totally and completely loved for who I am.

Are you ready to get off the roller coaster and break up with bad boys?  How can I help?


If you liked this article, then get tons more dating genius just like this in my brand new FREE audiobook!  Download it here!

, ,


I have never written this article before because honestly, I felt a little like Captain Obvious talking about it. However, I have heard so many stories around this lately that I have decided that I have been “the chosen one.” You know, kind of like Eddie Murphy in The Golden Child.  Just like any other very special messenger from the Gods, I gladly accept the challenge.

So, here we go.

If you are single and out there meeting people, singling, texting, hanging out, making out or any other form of general dating…FALLING OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH (otherwise known as ghosting) IS NOT A fucking OPTION.


Here is an explanation in case I am not being obvious enough.

Whether you’ve hung out for a few nights or been on a few dates there may come a time when you realize it’s not working for you.  When that happens you need to step up and tell them “thank you, but no thank you.”

Be open, be honest, and both of you can move on.  Not answering phone calls, texts, facebook messages, tweets or any communication is NOT FUCKING ACCEPTABLE.

It is disrespectful and downright gutless.  Stop doing that shit.

Please do not even think I am aiming this at one particular gender, because this kind of behavior is an equal opportunity offender.

I feel that if you can not be kind enough to do this, then you need to step back, check yourself and take a break from dating for awhile.

Ask yourself why you can’t be honest with others?  Why is that so uncomfortable for you? It is part of every relationship.  It is good practice.

And I know we all have crap, that is why there are life coaches and therapists.  There is no need to drag other people into your shit with you and leave them in the wake of it.  You and I both know that is just not kind and all I am asking for here is a little kindness.

We are all out here just doing our best to find love and be loved, and it isn’t easy.  There are going to be freak outs, missteps, awkward moments and lots and lots of nervousness, but if we are all kind to each other, this gets a whole heck of a lot easier.

I am in no fucking denial that this is not easy.

Rejection is tough and no one wants to hurt someone else’s feelings.  Nor do we like to feel like the bad guy/gal in that situation.  But there are tons of reasons why connections don’t happen or fade and I already wrote an article about that here.

Either way, everyone deserves a little kindness and closure. Without that they have no idea what happened and have a hard time moving on.

Doesn’t everyone deserve to move on?

Just so you know, I would never ask you to stop doing something hard without giving you some idea on how to do it.  I am good like that.

No one needs a long list of reasons, excuses or you apologizing 76 times.  Also, no one needs a bunch of BS, because if you really thought they were so amazing you would probably be dating them, right?

Be kind, but make sure they know you mean it.  Here is a kind way to end a new “thing.”

“I just want to tell you thank you so much for the time we have spent together.  I have to be honest that I am not wanting to move this forward and just don’t feel it is what I am looking for right now.  I  have really loved getting to know you and truly appreciating getting a glimpse into your life.  I wish you the best of luck. “

Kind yet final.  That is what we are going for here, people.

I am going to give everyone the benefit of the doubt that depending on the length, they know the best way to do it.  But PLEASE, for the love of all that is good left on this earth, do not use social media for this.

If you have been on more than a few dates it deserves a call (not a text) and if you have been dating more than a couple of months there should be some kind, but realistic, reasons so they can learn from the experience.

You can do this.  I can help.  Let’s fucking change this together!

, ,


So I have a little confession for you…..

I am a recovering fixer.


This is truth. I always joke (but am serious as fuck) that I can smell a tortured soul from across the room.  Especially if they are a musician.  It is my gift and my curse.

After a couple of drinks, I find I am drawn to everything this person has to say and that all I want in the world is to help them realize the potential that they don’t see.

How can they not see it?  It is right there in front of them!  Just relax handsome musician, help is here!!!!  I will help you become all that you can be!

Le sigh. You know what?

That is such utter bullshit for a bunch of reasons. Let me break down the basics.

You can’t fix anybody’s shit.  No matter how much you love them, inspire them, encourage them and even do shit for them, it never works.  Never.  They have to do it for themselves.

You are just dragging out the inevitable. In fact, if there is some really bad behavior going on there and you are allowing it, you are actually enabling them by not allowing them to fail and then eventually change.  You are holding them back from their better lives.

Plus, just because you are there tirelessly supporting them through some really rough stuff does not automatically mean they will stay with you and love you forever once they have figured their stuff out.

Actually, now that they are healthy, they will probably move on to someone who is also healthy and doesn’t spend their life fixing people.

Finally, if you do stay together, you will feel super uncomfortable in the relationship because you can’t fix anything. You will have a hard time figuring out what is your role in the relationship and ultimately move on to your next project so you can save the world.

One by one!

Never feeling like you have a healthy and balanced relationship. Plus, if you are a fixer on any level, here is the one thing I want you to remember.

Ultimately, when you date for potential, it makes you an asshole.

I could not give a fuck if you have the best intentions under the sun, every person should be able to date someone who loves them for exactly where they are at.

Right at this very moment. Just as is.

If you don’t like where they are at at this moment.  You need to move on.  They deserve to be with someone who thinks they are the end all be all for just being them. Isn’t that what you want too? And if they are in such a bad place that no one will date them, then that is part of their journey too.  They will use that pain to make the changes they need to make and become better people who can have a healthy relationship.

Ultimately, this behavior is exhausting and never going to get you where you want to go.  You’ve got to stop fixing others and start working on you!

There is a reason this behavior feels comfortable for you and you need to figure it out to start dating others who can truly love you and create healthy relationships with you. Because with amazing love and healthy relationships we will evolve into better people.

That is where the really gooey good stuff lies.  But it has to start with love, appreciation and respect.

Right where we are.

, ,


Fucking trust.

It comes up a lot with my clients.

And why wouldn’t it?  Let’s be honest, there are a lot of shit relationships out there and if you have been dating for awhile there is a pretty good chance you have been in at least one.

It is hard to throw a rock nowadays and not meet someone with “trust issues”.  Just bringing up dating will cause them to delve into a depressing tale at the drop of a hat about cheating, divorce or lots of lies.

I have to be honest, I have heard some stories that would not only stop me from dating but hole me up in my house in the fetal position shouting for Ewan McGregor!  (What?  I love Scottish accents!)

But a lot of times when I hear these stories, they are told like the badges of honor.  Proving to me (and themselves) that there is no one good out there, so why even bother.  What’s the point?

However, they are quietly hoping I am going to prove them wrong, because everyone wants to believe in love.

So today I am keeping it short but mostly sweet.  I am going to drop some knowledge to put this trust thing in perspective.  To give you back that hope.

Because when we stop believing in love, what do we have?  

A life that is depressing as fuck, that’s what.  Like a world without naps, coffee, champagne or mini ponies.  I don’t want to live there….do you?

So here it goes!

When we start to talk about trust issues and not being able to trust others, we need to take a big giant step back and ask a much bigger question.

That question?  Do we actually trust ourselves?  

Let’s let that sit there for a second, shall we?

Because at the end of the day, trust is not really about them, it is about us.

We can not control others so we need to trust that we will make the right choice in who we choose to date.

Trust that we can slow down and recognize red flags.

Trust that we will communicate what we need.

Trust that we can set-up healthy boundaries that build healthy relationships.

And most importantly, trust that we can walk away when something is not working.  That is the big one.

Because, when we can do those things, we can keep our heads and hearts open and make smart choices in our relationships.  We can openly trust and kick those “trust issues” to the curb.

Everyone is doing the best that they can and deserves our trust.  However, it is always our choice to stay or walk away if it is not working.

Adventure of the Day:

Journal the shit out of these questions:

Do you trust yourself?  Know what you need enough to ask for it?  Trust yourself to walk away if it isn’t working?  If you don’t, how can you change it?