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WHY I USED TO BE FUNNIER

I used to be way funnier.

My sarcasm was as thick as molasses and could roll off my tongue spouting little drops of comical genius on even the most awkward situations.  I felt it was my duty to give my snarky (and of course hilarious) thoughts to the world at all times.

I worked at it like a full-time job.  Looking for that perfect moment where I could share my funny take on every situation to show you how brilliant I was and how much you should like me.

I was smart as a whip and I used my words to cut people down to size with my humor.

Watch the fuck out world.  I was always on a roll.

And I sought out “funny” guys with my kind of sense of humor too.

A wonderful night was never complete unless I was having drunken witty banter with a cute guy where we make fun of each other and the world around us.  Feeling slightly superior because look how funny and smart we are.

I would test them by putting them down and seeing if they could handle it.  Seeing if they could handle me. Because I was a handful and they better just know that upfront.

And if someone didn’t like my delightful humor, it was their problem.

Duh.  I was “just joking”.

They needed to lighten up and get a sense of humor.

I mean, what the fuck was wrong with them?

And the interesting thing is these guys who were into this weird, slightly masochistic banter, usually never panned out for lots of reasons:

a) how does a guy who responds to snark and put-downs actually feel about himself?

b) when I started showing my softer side underneath (which was hidden there the whole time), they didn’t know what the hell to do with it.

c)  and honestly…..it is fucking exhausting.  Keeping up that constant witty brilliance on both of our ends doesn’t allow us to ever really not be “on our game”.

And ultimately, all of it was a whole lot of bullshit.  It was a big ole defense mechanism and it kicked my ass for many years.

That supposed humor that I was sharing was not about laughing or making myself or others happy.  The ultimate reason for humor.  It was about fear of being real and hiding behind a wall of sarcasm.

So then I wouldn’t have to get close to people and I could have another thing to blame when it didn’t work out. Because being kind seemed really vulnerable and that freaked me the fuck out.

Hiding behind all of that sarcasm was a tough question I didn’t want to answer.

What if the real me wasn’t that great?  What if the person behind the funny-I-have-my-shit-together-awesome Kira wasn’t enough?

But it is.

Because it is all I have to give and that is enough.  Once I believed that shit got a lot easier.

I love a good joke, a sense of humor is a must and laughing until I cry is a regular goal.

However, where I put my effort now is working on ripping down my own walls so no one else has to.  Getting out of my own way because I know that I am capable of great love, I just have this amazing habit of stepping on my own toes.

Along the way I realized that I had much more to give than my snark.  That being vulnerable is a must if I wanted a relationship that didn’t suck.  That I could laugh, be funny and have a wonderful time without putting myself or others down in the process.  That testing others is about my fears and pretty fucking disrespectful.

Now I look for the intelligent, kind, funny, deep dive conversations where you get to explore and learn from each other and leaves you smiling..that shit is awesome.   I am all about that shit.

It is hotter than any exhausting, witty snarkfest any day and is getting you a lot closer to a healthy relationship.

Bring on the LOVE!

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WHY YOU ARE NOT DATING GREAT GUYS

It took me a long time…..

but there was finally a time after the therapy/coaching and hitting my head against the wall so many times I thought I had a permanent concussion from dating unavailable men, that something shifted in me.

One day, I woke up and didn’t want that shit anymore and I had to have a tough moment where I needed to fess up to myself that it was ME choosing them.  Again and again.

I was the one buying the ticket to the crazy train and that shit was on me.

After some pretty solid self work, I dated a great guy.  Before we start the applause and cheers, let me admit something to you…..it wasn’t fucking easy.

Things would be going well and then I would freak out.  For the weirdest reasons that weren’t even real reasons.

I would come up with excuses of why it would never work.

Talk myself out of it.

Push him away.

Quietly sabotage it because after years and years of shouting “where are all the good ones??” I actually had no idea what to do with one when he showed up.

It felt weird and super duper uncomfortable.  “This person likes me??  Don’t they know how ridiculous I am?  What happens when they see all of the crazy hanging out???  This could get really messy.”

I was talking myself out of it before any of the really good stuff could even happen.

At that point, I had to have the hard conversation with myself about why it felt wrong when someone kept giving me everything right?  

When he kept caring about me and then asked me to trust him.  You can read about that here.

Doing all of the things that I had actually been talking about for all of those years.

What the fuck was wrong with me???

So here is what I figured out during that time and I want to share some of my growing pains with you.  You’re welcome.

If we do not like ourselves very much, question our worth and if we are truly capable of having a healthy relationship, when someone starts to like you it just doesn’t make sense.

It doesn’t compute in our subconscious brain.

We learned when we were young that love looks a certain way (probably not a healthy one) and it just doesn’t match up in your head.

So instead of feeling good when someone kind likes us and treats us well, we have learned to know and accept half-ass, unavailable or partial love because that is what we know.  That is what feels comfortable to us.

That is what has become your kind of love and by the way, that is shit.

These are the moments, Sugarpants, where you have to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Having a hard time knowing if you do this?  Here are some tell-tale signs.

You will say that someone who likes you is “too nice.”

Even though they are doing what you know is appropriate, you will feel like it is clingy or too much.  “Why is he all up in my grill?  Why is he asking me so many questions? Why does he want to know so much about me?  Does he have an ulterior motive?”

Even though you initially thought they were cute, you now don’t find them attractive because what they are doing feels weird to you.  “Hmmm, are they really that cute?  I should ask my friends.”

They are too supportive!  (I am just shaking my head on that one, ladies.)

You may even think that they seem weak because they are making themselves vulnerable and available to you.  “Doesn’t he have anything better to do than ask me about my day?”

But this is some fucked up kind of bullshit we have bought into.

That a kind, healthy person who can give and receive love is too needy.  Yes, let’s throw away the guys that show up regularly, ask us questions and listen to the answers and have the ability to create something great with us.  Let’s do that.

Instead, we spend our days chasing the  unavailable guys because we are going to love him until he loves himself! Even if it takes fucking years!!!  We are in this to win this no matter how shitty it makes us feel!   Then we will have earned their love and they will never, ever go away!

Good luck with that.  Tell me how that shit goes for you.

The lesson:  if good people liking you makes you feel uncomfortable and you sabotage it, you need to step up and take care of that shit because that isn’t magically going to go away.  You are just going to keep dating people who are comfortable and most likely unhealthy.

What did I do?  I did something I never did before.  I told him my fears.

I shared what I was worried about.

I let him in on what I was freaking out about and why and more importantly what he should do when that happened to help me work through it.

I gave him the owner’s manual to my heart.  

So he could succeed and we could create something together.

I stopped struggling with myself and gave into the love.  I went all in.

Because love has to go both ways and for all those years I had learned how to give but forgot to learn how to receive.

It changed my life.

Ready to change your life?  Get in the Owner’s Manual!

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I AM NOT FOR EVERYONE…NEITHER ARE YOU

I need to say something hard.  Out loud.  I want to yell it in some ways because it is uncomfortable.  

I was at a party this weekend and was talking to a nice and attractive gentleman I had just met.  Being playful and a little champagney (Yes, that is a word.  Stop judging me!)  I asked him to tell me three things about himself.  He was clever, a bit cryptic and lovely.  When he turned the question around on me, which doesn’t always happen,  I went into the struggle in my mind of being absolutely real vs. looking awesome.  I wrestle with this a lot.  I like looking awesome.

I don’t even recall exactly what I said, but after one of them he said.  “That was a bit vulnerable, thank you.”  

I smiled and was relieved that he acknowledged that, because here is the truth.

This is fucking hard for me.  

Part of me really loves to be this online presence that doles out smart stuff about love and talks about adventure and travel.  It is safe. Not necessarily easy, but safe.

I have also created a business as a life coach that feeds into that.  Sliding into the comfort of always asking the questions.  Of exploring without being explored.  That is what my clients pay me for, so I can easily justify it.  However, I can’t deny that it has bled into my personal life too.  My friendships and even dating.

That after a while, I have stopped sharing my own stories, fears and dreams.  I just keep them to myself in a way I never did before.  So if I fail, no one really knows.  I fail a lot, by the way.  You probably didn’t know that.  Because I like to look awesome.

So here are some not so awesome things about me I want to share with you:

I am slightly obsessed with teen TV shows, books and movies.  I totally contributed to the Veronica Mars Movie Kickstarter campaign.  In the past, I even will go out of my way to go to opening weekend to a teen flick .  Where I sometimes eat popcorn and milkduds at the same time so it tastes like caramel corn.

This makes me a little dorky.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I make up words and not very good ones.  Hello, champagney?

Yup, I do that. I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I am not close to a size 4 or 6 and that is one of my biggest personal battles that can steal my confidence away if I am not careful.  Although I am working hard on it,  it is a daily struggle.  I refuse to let it define me.

I know people assume things about me that hurt.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

When I am passionate about something (such as love and healthy relationships) I swear like a sailor.  My mother is not proud and I am pretty sure that my grandmother is turning over in her grave every time I drop the f-bomb.  Which is a lot.

Some people are offended by it. I am not for everyone and that is ok.

For better or for worse, I am doing everything in my power to not officially grow up.  I think it is highly over-rated. I tend to lean towards a more playful existence.  That is not to say that I am not evolving, learning and growing every day.  I just am not interested in buying a house or settling down in the way that many people are.  Plus, I just refuse to take life so seriously.

Some people think that is immature.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I love what I do.  I want to do it forever.  Some people think it is a fucking joke and have no problem telling me or making passive aggressive comments on facebook or my blog about it.  That feels like shit.

Some people don’t get it or even try.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I am goofy and seven layers of ridiculous on a daily basis.  I break out into song in public sometimes, have been known to play Marco Polo in a store and am inappropriate pretty regularly.

Sometimes people think I am embarrassing.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I mostly listen to a lot of eclectic indie music but sometimes I listen to not-so-good Top 40.  I have the new Justin Timberlake on repeat on my work playlist.  Wait.  I am listening to it RIGHT NOW!  Selena Gomez is next.  (Notice that they are both previous Disney TV stars!!)

Some people think that mainstream music is crap and are above it.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

Curiosity is my driver.  I can get bored easily so feel it is my responsibility to choose wisely about who I let into my life and spend time with.  I never want to hurt anyone, but I have.

This is a challenge for me and makes me look fickle.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I secretly love sci-fi and fantasy and really want to go to Comic Con.  I am currently watching past Dr. Who, as well as, numerous sci-fi shows on Netflix, like Lost Girl.  They soothe me.

My inner nerd is strong.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I am messy and not proud of this quality.  It is good when I am dating someone since it forces me to clean up regularly. I could NEVER be with someone who is OCD.  It would get bad….very quickly.  We don’t even want to talk about the amount I spill things.

Some people can’t tolerate that.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I speak at colleges and it scares the bejeezus out of me virtually every time.  I live and thrive for interaction, so speaking at people (with very little response) makes me feel like I suck.  Even when people tell me I don’t.

I am not for everyone and that is ok.

Even though I am a bit bossy in life and certainly in my job, I love when someone calls me out on my shit.  When they challenge me and make me think.  Sometimes, I hope they tell me what to do when I get overwhelmed and am not sure what to do next.

I don’t always share that though but am working on it. I am not for everyone and that is ok.

I have been known to get nervous around guys I like. I get snarky and put myself in the friendzone.  It is my default comfort zone with men and I have to fight it all of the time.

I am still learning about myself and what works for me.  I am not for everyone and that is ok.

So Sugarpants, why am I telling you all of my shit?  My quirks?  My wabi sabi?

Because the best thing that my life and business has taught me is that I am not for everyone and that is ok.  Some people think I am smart, reasonably funny and refreshing.  Other people probably think I am immature or obnoxious.  I just hang out with the former rather than the latter.

Many of my clients want everyone (or almost everyone) to like them.  They bend over backwards, go out of their way trying to win this attention and affection.  I have one thing to say to that.

Stop doing that shit.  It is killing you.

There are going to be some people you connect with who will think you are amazing.  There are going to be some that just don’t.  That actually says very little about you and more about what you learned was acceptable behavior when you were growing up.  Your acceptable and their acceptable are two different things.  It just is.  So, no matter what you do or say, you are probably not going to change their mind.  You are, however, going to lose yourself and your mind in the process looking for others to deem you worthy of love.

I am telling you these not-so-adorable things about me because I am just me.  Highly flawed, but still ok.  I like me and the woman I am evolving into.  The best part is that I find the more I embrace me, the more the right people show up in my life.  Clients, friends and in love.

The sooner we can let go of people pleasing people who will never be pleased, we can embrace all of our shit and start surrounding ourselves with amazing people who like us, for us.  That is where great love shows up.  That is what we are doing here.

You are not for everyone and that is ok.

Adventure of the day:

Journal the shit out of  these questions.

*Who are you wasting your time trying to please and why?

*What are you having a hard time embracing about yourself?

*Who can you start spending more time with right now who makes you feel great?

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THREE SIGNS YOU ARE NOT READY FOR LOVE

Let’s take a moment and just admit that lots of people don’t really know what the fuck they are doing when it comes to love.

It doesn’t matter how many times you complain to anyone who will listen about how you are ready for love and want to date someone.  Just because you bitch about it doesn’t mean it comes true.

Otherwise, I would be living in Italy, with my hot chef boyfriend, Paolo, and this would have a lot more spelling errors because I would be wine-soaked by noon every day. 🙂

Honestly, talk is cheap.

It gets you absolutely nowhere unless you plan on actually doing something to make it happen.  And by doing, I don’t mean signing up for every dating site, going to every event until you exhaust yourself or announcing to every friend that you are single and pushing them to set you up.  That is exhausting and not worth your time if you don’t have your shit together in the first place so that if someone great shows up you even know what to do with it!

Am I right?

Here are three signs you are not ready for love.

1.  You don’t like anything.

You know what I am talking about.

You are the one at the party pointing out bad outfits and talking about how you loathe the music.

At work you are always complaining about your co-workers and boss.

Your last five dates were “atrocious!”

A few people out there may think your snark and dark side is funny but you and I know the truth, Sugarpants.

Your self esteem is struggling and when you point out everyone else’s failings you think people won’t notice yours. You might be able to keep that disguise around work or even some friends, but love is not going to fall for it.

Here is the hard truth.  When you are like that, the translation to other people is, “what does she actually think about me?” A new wonderful date after laughing a few times is going to start wondering what things you are going to nit pick about them.  And ultimately, anyone who is healthy is not falling for your act.

When you like yourself it shows through the way you move in this world.  In the way you are kind, accepting of others, understanding that everyone is fighting their own battle, realizing that the best thing about life is that everyone is different.  That doesn’t mean you don’t get to have a little snark, it just means it isn’t constantly focused at others.

Because honestly,  you just look like an asshole.  Nobody wants to date an asshole.

2.  You are uncomfortable with someone liking you

You meet someone.

They are awesome, until…..they start to like you.

Oh fuck.

They are doing everything that they are supposed to be doing and it feels super duper uncomfortable.  You start looking for excuses to get out of it.  You start to look for stupid things that don’t really matter to talk you out of it.

They are being too pushy.  Too clingy.  Too nice.  

You and I both know this is bullshit, so let’s stop pretending that it isn’t.

Here is the hard truth:  If you do not like yourself very much, when someone starts to like you it doesn’t make sense.  It doesn’t compute in your brain.  You learned that love looks a certain way (maybe not a healthy one) and it isn’t matching up in your head.

This is where you have to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

If good people liking you makes you feel uncomfortable and you sabotage it, you need to step up and take care of that shit because that isn’t magically going to go away.  You are just going to keep dating people who are comfortable and probably unhealthy.

No one’s goal is “Let’s have a mediocre, unhealthy relationship that is really hard and makes me feel like shit most days!”  No one.

3.  You have zero idea what you need

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Sorry I needed to get that off my chest, because you are killing me, Smalls.

I can guarantee what you are looking for is what I call an “evolved relationship.”  Something much more than your parents or grandparents, fed to us by media and an overall drive towards self awareness.  I am no way saying these are bad things, but to have a relationship like this you need to KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU NEED!!

Not want.  

Here is the hard truth:   Throw away the three page list about the qualities of your soulmate.  That shit is degrading to the future person that is choosing to love you, show up every day and be great for you.

Instead, work on what you need.  To feel good.  Thrive.  Learn how to be your best self.  Learn new perspectives.  Love in a huge way.

Recently I was quoted this:

“Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, It’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.”  – Dream for an Insomniac

To some, this is the beginning of love.  The “I want to know everything about you, have sex all of the time and consume you” phase.  That phase, called obsessive love and that so many are striving to have, actually has to evolve or the relationship will slowly fade.  But when you know what you need, can communicate it and work with the other person you can grow it into that mad, passionate, extraordinary love that happens in a beautiful, healthy relationship.

We change lives just because we are loved.

This kind of love does not come from fairy dust nor does it just happen to lucky people.  It comes from doing smart but rewarding self-work up front so you can create that kind of love and relationship.

So I ask you, are you ready?  Love is waiting for you to catch up.

This is EXACTLY what we do in the Owner’s Manual!  Check it out if this year you want to become ready for love…

-Kira